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Delete Your Account: The Kid Isn’t All Right

This week, Kate Upton needs to excel in one career before she starts a new one, Jimmy Fallon is over, and Marc Jacobs owes me a sweater

Delete Your Account is a weekly column that takes the hot air out of celebrities and their social media shenanigans. Every Friday, I will decide whether or not each perpetrator should delete their accounts and never grace the internet again. This week, Kid Cudi stirs up more hip-hop drama than Empire could ever muster, Sean Lennon is just as awful as his father, Kate Upton needs to excel in one career before she starts a new one, Colton Haynes dabbles in slut-shaming, Jimmy Fallon is over, and Marc Jacobs owes me a sweater.

KID CUDI

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I hate seeing families torn apart. Kid Cudi and Kanye West first collaborated on The Blueprint 3 and 808s and Heartbreaks, the latter of which Cudi was brought in to co-write and produce several songs for. Cudi signed to Kanye's label, G.O.O.D. Music, in 2008, and a friendship was born. Kanye introduced Cudi's "Day n Nite" video on BET's 106 and Park. In a Complex cover story, Cudi called out "thirsty" people who try to come for Kanye:

I don't even talk about Kanye, and that's my homeboy! They talk about Kanye like they're bosom buddies with this nigga. Talking about, "I be in Hawaii" — man, shut the fuck up. Why you got to tell everybody everything? Then people like Wale get mad that 'Ye ain't give him no beats. 'Ye ain't give you no beats because we ain't fucking with your raps. It's not a conspiracy theory. We don't fuck with you musically, so we're not going to provide music for you. The shit is a service, it's a quality of a certain standard. Niggas are just so thirsty it's ridiculous. I've been eating humble pie forever, and people still call me an asshole.

During a 2010 interview with Houston Radio Station 97.9 The Box, Kanye said, "Kid Cudi is my personal favorite artist in the world right now. His whole take on the game is just unfiltered, uncensored artistry. His album comes out next week and everybody has to go and listen to that if you want to listen to raw, uncut, unapologetic, ill-ass melodies. The dark moments we've had, whether someone is dealing with drug addiction or loss or a bad relationship, it helps add and fuel the music and those live experiences just like real people deal with those types of things."

Suffice it to say, they were best friends. Whereas Jay Z has always been a mentor to Kanye, Kanye took on more of a friendship role with Cudi. He was always very vocal about how Cudi inspired 808s and how they were changing the rap game. So what changed? Well, you know how the lyrics go: "When you get on, he leave your ass for a white girl." But when there's no white girl available, a light-skinned one will do just fine. Enter Drake.

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Drake and Cudi have a much messier history than you might think. Back in 2009, both artists had albums debut on the same day, September 15. While Drake's was merely an EP version of a pre-existing mixtape (with two new songs), Cudi was set to drop his debut record Man on the Moon: The End of Day. I love Drake, but no one would ever not call him thirsty. From his lusting after Rihanna to salivating over the chance to trend on Twitter by turning himself into a meme, Drake is the Roxie Hart of hip-hop and would kill to see his name in lights. So of course he played up the fact that their albums were coming out on the same day so he could ride the wave of Cudi's debut. After that, Drake even befriended Cudi and appeared in his "Pursuit of Happiness" music video.

Unfortunately for Cudi, his star stalled around this point. The HBO series he starred in, How to Make It in America, was never popular and was canceled after two seasons (RIP Crisp). He released his third album on his own label, Wicked Awesome Records, leaving G.O.O.D. Music behind. His album sales declined and his fifth studio album, Speedin' Bullet 2 Heaven, only reached #36 on the Billboard charts. Meanwhile, Drake's star has continued to rise since 2009, to the point where he's the most popular rapper in the game right now. Did Cudi feel some type of way about that? His appearance on The Arsenio Hall Show in 2014 seems to indicate so.

After Cudi impresses Arsenio with how many cars he owns, Arsenio says, "If you chose to rap about the stuff you have, it would be a nice little ditty." To which Cudi responds, "There'd be no Drake." That right there, by the way, is some masterful shade that you would not think Cudi is capable of if you only read his rant this week about loyalty in the hip-hop game. A week ago, Kanye confirmed to Vogue that he's releasing a joint album with Drake: "We’re just working on music, working on a bunch of music together, just having fun going into the studio. We’re working on an album, so there’s some exciting things coming up soon.”

Exactly one week later, Cudi has a lot to say about Drake and Kanye. He even brings up the ghostwriting allegations about Drake, so you know he's either feeling himself or he got hacked by Meek Mill. But was it worth it? For Cudi, yeah. It got him some attention that he'd better capitalize on this week by dropping a fire new single. Otherwise, this is all a lot of unnecessary petty.

I will say, however, Cudi comes out of this looking great only because Kanye and Drake's response were so fucking wack. Drake interrupted his Summer Sixteen Tour to say, "Boy you getting way too high, you need to cud-it," referencing the O.T. Genasis song "Cut It." Listen ... Drake should've called up one of his ghostwriters if that was the only fire he planned on bringing to the table. "Cud-it"? That's so fucking corny. Get out of here, Aubrey. And then there's Kanye, who interrupted his Saint Pablo Tour to tell Cudi, "I birthed you!" He also claimed that he "wore skinny jeans first," which I'll admit had me in hysterics. I love Kanye when he's mad at someone. This is the best Kanye. He continued by saying, "You know how many people wish they could be signed to G.O.O.D. Music, get they life changed? Have that opportunity? Never forget that. I'm so hurt. I feel so disrespected. Kid Cudi, we're two black men in a racist world. I got called names before you, bruh. Why y'all got to come at me? ... I'm out here fighting for y'all: creatives, artists, independent thinkers. Don’t never mention my name in a bad manner. None of y’all!” Well, not everybody, Kanye.

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SHOULD KID CUDI DELETE HIS ACCOUNT? If he's not dropping any music, then yeah, stop wasting our time.

SEAN LENNON

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Imagine John had no son.

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No, really. Imagine that this sexist idiot doesn't exist. Straight men mad about the term "mansplaining" are the same people who get upset about "reverse racism.” Calling out mansplaining hurts your feelings? Constantly being ignored and denigrated as a woman hurts their feelings, prevents them from advancing in the workplace, and gets them killed. And yeah, if someone abuses their girlfriend and still gets promoted by an event, you have the right to boycott it! Just as you have the right to make bad music and be an idiot on Twitter. But then again, seeing as your father admitted to beating women in a 1980 Playboy interview ("I used to be cruel to my woman, and physically — any woman. I was a hitter. I couldn't express myself and I hit. I fought men and I hit women. That is why I am always on about peace, you see."), no wonder Sean doesn't give a fuck about women.

SHOULD SEAN DELETE HIS ACCOUNT? I've gone back to just imagining he doesn't exist.

KATE UPTON

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No, sis, what's unacceptable was your acting in The Other Woman. Don't talk about how people should be behaving on 9/11, like police brutality suddenly vanishes into Brigadoon for this magical, patriotic 24 hours. Maybe you should talk about how your uncle voted against helping 9/11 first responders until he was shamed into doing it. Or maybe you should just go model for another magazine cover and do the one thing you're only slightly, remotely good at: being silent.

SHOULD KATE DELETE HER ACCOUNT? I don't know why she has anything other than an Instagram to promote her modeling work. Has anyone in history ever wondered, "What does Kate Upton think about this?"

JIMMY FALLON

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Did you really have this racist-ass, inventor of the Obama birther movement, wad of Bazooka Joe gum on your show? And then enthusiastically rub his head like you're fucking Aladdin? I hope Obama calls you personally and tells you he's never speaking to you ever again. I hope your intern is gone for the day and you have to wipe your tears yourself.

SHOULD JIMMY DELETE HIS ACCOUNT? Me stepping into the "Jimmy Fallon is canceled" party:

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COLTON HAYNES

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Aren't you selling Daddy hats in your store? I know you just came out five seconds ago, but we don't slut-shame people around here. People follow Instagram "sluts" because they're sexually attracted to them and imagine sleeping with them. It's the same reason people follow hot actors on Instagram who post shirtless photos. You wouldn't know anyone like that, would you? Don't tell other girls to be afraid of the dick, Colton.

SHOULD COLTON DELETE HIS ACCOUNT? No, Colton's become a Delete Your Account MVP — he pays the bills around here.

PHI PHI O'HARA

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MARC JACOBS

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Marc Jacobs has a collaboration with MTV and I've already addressed cultural appropriation in the fashion industry during an interview with Mic, so I will not drag him and instead will use this opportunity to remind Marc that I can't afford any of his thousand-dollar MTV sweaters but if he would like send me one in a size XL, I would gladly take it. Thanks!