This Guy Took Molly, Stole An Ambulance And Masturbated In A Police Station

His insane story gives a whole new meaning to the term "bad trip."

We don't think this is what Miley Cyrus had in mind when she sang about dancing with Molly in "We Can't Stop." 18-year-old Colorado State student Stefan Sortland was arrested last Sunday after drugs made him do some questionable wanking it in a police station, for example. Here's what allegedly happened:

Sortland took both Molly and cocaine at a Halloween concert early Sunday morning.

The combination of drugs gave Sortland seizures, but somehow he recovered enough to attempt grand theft auto.

He smashed several cars' windows, trying to steal them.

But then he found a vacant ambulance nearby. What luck!

He decided to take the ambulance for a spin.

When the emergency medical services team returned to their parking spot with a patient, they were shocked to find the ambulance missing. Thanks to GPS tracking, police found Sortland and the missing ambulance a few miles away.

Related: Man Tries To Eat His Own DUI Test Results, Police Say

Police found him standing next to the stolen ambulance with a blanket and a box of Wheat Thins in his hands.

Sortland refused to give up these precious items, so police had to use a stun gun to control him. The ambulance was in bad shape after Sortland got into a few fender-benders with it. Police also found Adderall -- which he didn't have a prescription for -- in his possession.

"Why are the lights flashing on the cars?" he said before he was taken to the Loveland Police Department in Colorado.


He jacked off in the police department.

Police reports say he "stood on a bench, kicked the wall, and masturbated." We've never heard of a temper tantrum like that before.

He apologized to the cops for his actions.


Later that day, he attacked two deputies when they tried to bring him food.

Sortland allegedly punched one of them in the face, which led to a concussion. The other guy got a finger sprain when he tried to stop Sortland from, ya know, punching people.

Not surprisingly, all of these events led to a plethora of charges Sortland is being accused of: aggravated vehicle theft, assault, attempted motor vehicle theft, criminal mischief, hit-and-run, obstructing EMS, reckless driving and unlawful possession of a controlled substance. Oof.

Stay off the Molly, kids.

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