Cara Delevingne Opens Up About Depression -- Read Her Heartbreaking Poem
Cara Delevingne has been nothing if not totally unfiltered about her personal struggles with anxiety and the modeling industry, feelings of objectification by the paparazzi and fame as a whole, but her latest revelation is perhaps her most candid and heartbreaking to date.
The "Paper Towns" star recently sat down with Rupert Everett for London's Women In The World Summit and revealed that when she was 15 years old, she began to struggle with depression and thoughts of ending her life.
"I really wanted to do well at school to please my parents, to please my family," the model-turned actress said. "I didn’t really care that much about school because I knew I was never going to be very good at it. I think I pushed myself so far, I got to the point where I had a bit of a mental breakdown.
"I got to the point where I was a bit mad. I was completely suicidal, didn’t want to live anymore. I thought that I was completely alone. I also realized how lucky I was and what a wonderful family, wonderful friends I had, but that didn’t matter. I wanted the world to swallow me up, and nothing seemed better to me than death."
With the help of her loved ones, Cara turned to counseling and found herself returning to "rational thought," which is when she discovered her passion for writing.
"Writing was something that really saved my life," she explained. "It was like, I would write and I would read what I’d written, and it was like someone else is talking to me... it was like, ‘What? Is that how I feel?’ It was a very strange experience."
Cara shared one example of her writing from that time period: a poem about how she felt when she was in the thick of her sadness.
Who am I? Who am I trying to be?
Not myself, anyone but myself.
Living in a fantasy to bury the reality,
Making myself the mystery,
A strong facade disguising the misery.
Empty, but beyond the point of emptiness,
Full to brim with fake confidence,
A guard that will never be broken,
Because I broke a long time ago.
I’m hurting but don’t tell anyone.
No one needs to know.
Don’t show or you’ve failed.
Always okay, always fine, always on show.
The show must go on.
It will never stop.
The show must not go on,
But I know it will.
I give up. I give up giving up.
I am lost.
I don’t need to be saved,
I need to be found.
Now, Cara is hopeful that sharing her most personal and difficult past experiences -- as well as what she's learned from them -- will help other young girls who are suffering with depression.
"I have so many messages in terms of young girls and how mental illness in terms of depression is not something to be ashamed of," she said. "You’re not alone. You’re not an alien. My message has always been to accept yourself no matter what, to love yourself, to embrace your flaws. I think flaws are things that make us special. The cracks within us are the beautiful parts that need to have light shed on them."
For more information on mental and emotional health issues and how to get help, please visit mtvU's Half of Us campaign at HalfOfUs.com or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK.