All I wanted was a little Bonnie and Clyde. You know, Katherine and Damon, road-tripping across the country, robbing banks (like they’d ever need to--Kat’s the only vampire I know who’s ever used/stolen money), killing people and causing general mayhem. And that’s what it looked like I was going to get. There was even a kiss! A kiss such as I have been waiting for since Katherine told Elena that she loved Damon, too! And it was hot! Really, really hot! And then Damon abruptly ends it, explaining: "Thought I’d give it a shot. Truth is, you just don’t do it for me anymore." My god, Damon. 145 years and it takes you a month to get over it? Come on. It does it for me! Why take away my pleasure at seeing you two together? I mean, really. Elena is SO lame compared to Katherine. So, so lame.

And, speaking of lameness, Matt is the ultimate lame-o. We’ll get to that in a second. In fact, we’ll get to it right now.

The story of Matt Donovan and his utter lameness

This is a sad, slightly pathetic tale. It begins on senior prank night, where all of our favorite children are in the high school, attempting to be normal by pranking their teachers. You see, none of them are normal: one’s a vampire, one’s a doppelganger who’s supposed to be dating a vampire, one’s a werewolf who’s soon to be a werewolf-vampire hybrid (we’ll get to that) and one’s a witch. Of course, the one normal one (Mr. Donovan himself), has forgotten about the pranking, probably due to the fact that he isn’t trying to be normal, because he is really, really normal. But he is tired of being so utterly normal! So, as of late, he has been trying to communicate with his vampire-ghost sister. And, she has been trying to communicate with him. After some failed attempts, young Matthew decides to drown himself in the high school pool so as to have an unconscious moment to communicate with Vicki. Stupid! Because even though it worked, you can’t go around killing yourself to talk to your vampire-ghost sister, especially if your witch friend Bonnie won’t always be there to save you. At least you got to talk to your sister, who may or may not be evil, according to another vampire-ghost Anna. And you got to deliver a message to Bonnie! Explaining why Klaus can’t create hybrids! Because Elena’s still alive! Um, hello? Didn’t we learn this four episodes ago? Lame, lame, lame.

Rebecca as the new Katherine

Watch out, Kat. Rebecca may be my new favorite vampire bad girl. This is evidenced by such ingenious lines as:

"So this is the latest doppelganger. The original one was much prettier."

(To Caroline about Tyler) "He’s dead-ish."

(After staking Stefan, and referring to his love for Elena) "Consider me jealous."

And, the best one of all (after checking out a cell phone photo) "Why is that doppelganger bitch wearing my necklace?"

Why, indeed. Why, indeed, Rebecca. Except that she’s not, because Katherine stole it. Bam.

The not-so-sorry tale of Klaus and his hybrids

The jig is up. Klaus returns to Mystic Falls, and within three minutes, finds out that Elena is alive. And then feeds Tyler his blood and kills him to force Bonnie to figure out a solution to his hybrid problem. What a resourceful evil vampire! Except, Bonnie doesn’t exactly figure it out. Klaus does. By feeding Tyler a vial of Elena’s blood. Turns out, the doppelganger doesn’t need to die. The hybrids just need to feed on her blood. Not only is this convenient for the show, but I also find it much more logical than her needing to be sacrificed. This also leads to a really creepy scene in which Elena wakes up in a hospital bed with a compelled nurse who is taking all of her blood. Fun times.

Oh, and now Tyler Lockwood is the first successful hybrid. And he feels great! This year is going to be the best! Jinx, jinx, a thousand times jinx.

Bonnie and Clyde and…Jeremy?

That’s right, folks. Katherine kidnaps Jeremy and hides him in the trunk. Wow! What a crazy c(k)at. She’s still looking to rid her life of Klaus, so she brings up some very interesting information. Pearl told her centuries ago about a vampire who hunted other vampires, one who knew how to kill Klaus. Not just dagger-kill Klaus, but really, truly, kill Klaus. But Pearl never told her where to find said vampire slayer, because it was her leverage. The only person she told? Her daughter. Anna. Vampire-ghost No. 2. The only person who can talk to her? Jeremy Gilbert, of trunk capture, himself. After some heavy persuasion, Anna explains that Michael is entombed, she knows where he is, but you do not want to wake him up. Cut to the end where Katherine and Jeremy find him (you know, the same guy who was looking for Klaus and Rebecca in 1920s Chicago) and are about to wake him up. I’m a little confused, though. Is he an original too? Do they have to take a dagger out of him? Or is there some other mythology where his eyes just open or something? I guess we shall see with a closer look at next week’s episode.

Here he comes to save the day!

Clyde leaves Bonnie to go get Elena out of the hospital. The line deserves repeating:

Katherine: The Damon I remember wouldn’t have been this stupid.

Damon: I wouldn’t have done it for you.

First off, that’s a total lie--he totally would’ve. Secondly, Katherine looks hurt! You jerk! You super hot, totally awesome, jerk! YES!

Back in the Falls, Damon promises to never leave Elena again. This is comforting, because his brother, the love of her life, was only minutes before forced to feed on her. He was then compelled to turn off his human emotions and now has no feelings for her whatsoever. Great! And since Damon scared Klaus and Rebecca away (this Michael guy must be SCA-RY), Stefan is now supposed to keep evil-watch on Elena. His whole turned-off self is kind of creepy, to say the least. I reckon that next week’s episode should be very, very interesting.

Where do you think Rebecca and Klaus are hiding? Can you believe that Tyler’s now a hybrid? Is Rebecca your new favorite? What’s going to happen with human-blood-high Stefan? And are Elena and Damon actually going to get together? We value your opinions. So, so much. Like, more than you know. So write to us, below. Or on Twitter! It’ll be enormously fun. Seriously. We swear. So there.