When faced with the question of why I’m so obsessed with "The Vampire Diaries," I usually start explaining the intricate mythology: There’s this boring chick who’s actually the doppelganger of this awesome (but totally evil) chick, and these two vampire brothers were in love with both chicks, but now just the boring one, and they’re trying to save the boring one from the oldest vampire of all time, who’s trying to sacrifice her to break some really old curse that involves a power struggle with werewolves. Yeah, there are werewolves! And witches! And no, my brain is not full of mush and I graduated from college and am able to hold intelligent conversations.

To prove this, I refine my explanation. I'm a history and literature junkie, and so I’m interested in origins and character development. And vampires have hundreds (sometimes thousands!) of years of history and character development. What could be better?! The fact that they’re usually hot, and witty, and wear really cool clothes (REALLY COSTUME DESIGNER? YOU PUT KLAUS IN A LEATHER JACKET IN 1492? HE LOOKED AWESOME, BUT IT’S FREAKING 1492 AND YOUR LEATHER OBSESSION IS BECOMING RIDICULOUS AND SCREWING UP MY SENSE OF TIME AND PLACE.)

So naturally, I watch the show for the flashbacks. ALL I CARE ABOUT ARE THE FLASHBACKS. AND KATHERINE. WHO IS INTRICATELY TIED TO EVERY FLASHBACK. Thus, this episode, along with "Katerina," was my most anticipated viewing session of the series. And besides the fact that they didn’t give me nearly enough flashback, its revelations didn’t disappoint. In case you don’t agree, you will be persuaded by my fancy-shmancy list below. Because lists (especially when fancy-shmancy) are always more persuasive and better and (let’s face it) more likely to be read than paragraphs.

1. Elena was the one who pulled the dagger out of Elijah.

I realized this with the help of Hollywood Crush commenter Marissa, who pointed out that since Elena is the new owner of the house, she needs to invite all vampires in. Obviously, she didn’t invite Katherine in. However, you never know on this show (Klaus was in Alaric’s freaking body, remember?!), so I thought that maybe Klaus got his man witch to do some crazy-ass spell to get Katherine in, but no. That was only wishful thinking on my part.

2. Klaus and Elijah are brothers!

To quote my notes, "IS KLAUS ELIJAH’S BROTHER? KLAUS IS HIS BROTHERRRRRRR!" (The extra "r"'s really capture my excitement.) I know everyone suspected this, and spoilers mentioned it, but I dig this new plot twist. I’m hoping it will lead to more info on the originals! BECAUSE ALL I CARE ABOUT ARE THE FLASHBACKS. Remember? So here’s what we learned about the originals: Elijah and Klaus were two of seven children. Their father was a wealthy landowner in Eastern Europe. And their whole family was human. Um, what? Elijah explained that how they became vampires is a really long story, but we should just know that they are the oldest vampires in the world, and all vampires stemmed from them. Don’t give me any more mythology cop-outs à la "Lost." You better tell me their origin as vampires, Julie Plec and Kevin Williamson. Because I deserve to know. I’m dying to know. I just need to know, okay?!

3. …But only HALF brothers!

Their mother had an affair with another man, who was Klaus’ actual father. And who was Klaus’ actual father, you might ask? I don’t know. But I do know he was—here it comes—a WEREWOLF! SAY WHAT? That’s right, friends. Klaus is PART WEREWOLF. KLAUS IS A VAMPIRE AND A WEREWOLF. My mind has officially been blown. And the real reason those species hate each other? Klaus’ fake dad murdered his real dad, igniting the rivalry that exists today.

4. That pesky sun and moon curse? Fake!

This pleases me. Because it was making absolutely no sense why the oldest vampire of all time would not own a day ring. Or why he’d be so anxious to break the curse before the werewolves, because I don’t see how the state of things would be any different for vampires if the werewolves broke it first: all the vampires with day rings would walk the day, and the ones without would be huge losers who didn’t know how to charm a witch. And then when they figured it out, they could ask a witch for a day ring! About day rings: If there’s no curse, what the heck is that all about? I hate when "TVD" comes so far in its mythology, only to break the logic of the show.

So great! It just ain’t true! Klaus and Elijah made the whole thing up. Those Aztec scrolls? Klaus! Those African pieces of parchment? Klaus! That other ancient something or other that I forgot? You guessed it! All authored by Klaus. And why, you ask? Because there’s no better way to find a moonstone and a doppelganger than to have every member of each species on the look-out for them! But wait! If there’s no curse, then why does Klaus want those things? The curse of the sun and the moon is fake, but there is a curse—it was a curse put on Klaus by the servants of nature themselves: witches.

According to Elijah, "a hybrid [vampire and werewolf] would be deadlier than any werewolf or vampire. Nature would not stand for such an imbalance of power." So the witches made sure his werewolf side would be dormant. Klaus wants to trigger his werewolf side, and he’s been trying to do it for 1,000 years. If allowed, Klaus would sire his own bloodline, and he’d build his own race endangering not just vampires, but everyone. And Elijah feels he must be stopped. And he needs a witch to do it. Because the silver of the original-killer dagger wouldn’t work on Klaus, due to his werewolf side. Booyah!

5. Elijah loved Katherine.

Damn! We all know how much I love Kat, but is there anyone who didn’t love her? (Besides Klaus, of course.) Looks like the rumors might be true: I’m speculating that Elijah was in love with the original Petrova girl, evidenced when he told Kat that she reminded him of someone. And those lovely flashbacks show Elijah cared about Katherine. He even found a way to do the ritual without harming the doppelganger! Klaus didn’t care about Kat’s life, though. But Elijah must have never gotten a chance to tell Kat he knew how to spare her. He did, however, tell Elena.

6. And OMG he’s back again.

(Yes, I quoted the Backstreet Boys. And I’m only slightly ashamed.) Klaus is in his own body. Alaric’s alive (I saw it in next week’s preview!) Fun times will ensue.

What really happened between Klaus and Elijah? And Klaus and Katherine? And Katherine and Elijah? Are you concerned about Damon’s clearly abusive relationship with Andie? Do you wish Jenna would be kicked off the show? Are you psyched for the impending full moon? And are you still processing all of the crazy info we learned about the curse, Klaus, and Elijah? Comment your heart out, friends! It’ll make us feel loved. And wanted. And connected! To you! Hooray.