Brilliant actor and ardent vape supporter Leonardo DiCaprio has lost out on an acting Oscar four separate times. During that span, he's aged from a young fellow to a mature gentleman, harnessing his chops to become, arguably, one of the best actors in the history of cinema.
So why does he keep losing out on Academy Awards, y'all?
In poring over his losses from What's Eating Gilbert Grape to The Wolf of Wall Street, a pattern emerged. It's said that those who don't learn from the past are doomed to repeat it. And what has happened on every red carpet?
He's brought a date.
"Joe," you're probably saying, "Joe, are you arguing that something as arbitrary as who's on his arm is causing his bad luck, well after the Oscar votes have been tabulated?"
Yeah, I'm arguing it.
"Joe," I assume you're now shouting, "Joe, that is a wild and baseless accusation, clearly it doesn't matter who he brings to the Oscars!"
But I have receipts.
Here, let me present my case.
1994 Oscars: His mom, Irmelin
It makes sense that Leo would bring his mom to his first Oscars -- Irmelin Indenbirken is a proud, supportive momma whose always wanted the best for her son.
When DiCaprio lost to Tommy Lee Jones that year, I'm sure Imerlin offered a supportive (and possibly cursed!) shoulder to cry on.
2005 Oscars: Gisele Bundchen
Bundchen, who DiCaprio dated for several years, attended the 2005 Oscars for his performance in The Aviator. After their breakup, she moved on to now-husband Tom Brady, quarterback for the New England Patriots, where she came under fire for possibly being a bad luck charm for his team.
Her status as cursed companion is probably gone now, since she attended the Super Bowl that he won in 2015, but what about the past, sheeple?
2007 Oscars: Mother DiCaprio, Part II
Nominated for Blood Diamond, momma DiCaprio once more accompanied her bebe to watch him lose out to Forest Whitaker for his performance in The Last King of Scotland.
If I were Leo, it's at this point that I would have looked to my right at my loving mother, squinted my eyes in thought, and then shook my head, but that's probably because I'm a terrible person.
2014 Oscars: His mummy (for the third time)
Leo's mommy: a wonderful woman. Class act. Killin' it in gold satin. "This woman drove me three hours a day to a different school to show me a different opportunity," DiCaprio recently said of his mother.
But more often than not, that same mother has accompanied him to the Oscars, and he's lost every time -- this time for his transcendent performance in The Wolf of Wall Street. A superstitious sort would draw a conclusion that Leo might not want to hear.
I get it, Leo. The (completely alleged) truth is hard to hear.
"Joe," you may be saying at this point while shaking your head, "Joe, his mother was his date to the 2014 Golden Globes where he won for The Wolf of Wall Street so how is she at all bad luck?"
Well, you might have me there.
But who knows, maybe the DiCaprio family has caught on to this theory as well -- Leo brought his brought his dad to the Golden Globes this year when he won for his performance in The Revenant -- so maybe we'll see Papa DiCaprio this Sunday.
Whoever Leo brings, this much is true: we're all pulling for him to finally score that Oscar. ?