You know those times you start thinking about how most comic book characters have names like Bruce Banner, Peter Parker, Sue Storm, and Matt Murdoch, and then have thoughts like "If you have an alliterative name, does that mean you are more likely to become a superhero?" which leads to other thoughts like "My name is stupid" and "I'm gonna change my name" which eventually turns into "Calm down, you don't want to be a superhero anyway, superheros are dumb, who wants to be them?!?!" and finally "I wonder which actors out there have alliterative names and are therefore primed and ready for superherodom, unlike me, but whatever, I don't care..."

I have really valuable trains of thought.

So upon compiling a massive list of famous people with alliterative names (which relates to sound, not letters, i.e. Clark Kent is alliteration. Keira Knightly is not), I decided there was only one thing to do. Write a poem naming one famous person with an alliterative name per letter of the alphabet. Some of the references are obvious, some are not; some of these people are well-known and some are ... decidedly not.

Without further ado,

The Alliterative Actors Alphabet.

Amy Adams soon reporting for the Daily Planet,

Barry Bostwick, to a hot chick, once kept saying, "Damnit Janet".

Colin Cunningham is definitely a Falling Skies fav,

David Duchovny, every Sunday, we watch him get laid.

Emilo Estevez is quacking til this day,

Fionnula Flanagan, because she can, helps Desmond on his way.

Greta Gerwig, delightfully awkward with Ben,

Helen Hayes won praise as an EGOT back when...

Irving Ishkabibble from some movie, Terror Eyes.

Josh Jackson's relaxin' because Fringe has survived!

Kevin Kline doing fine taking time off from the screen,

Lucy Lawless looks flawless in every Spartacus scene.

Mary McDonnell deserved an Emmy, you see,

Nick Nolte, why won't he admit he's Gary Busey?

Ozzy Osbourne bit a bat clean through its neck,

Parker Posey we all know she stole her scenes on Parks and Rec.

Quentin Crisp played a version of himself on TV,

Ryan Reynolds has some tentpoles in both Marvel and DC.

Susan Sarandon's mother-lovin Timberlake,

Tony Todd, acting god, resume so long it looks fake.

Umit Ulgen, no really, he's an actor, I swear,

Vince Vaughn's not gone, but we're starting not to care.

Wally Wingert undoubtedly a voice-over expert,

Xin Xin Xiong in Hong Kong, is a badass you can't hurt.

Yasuo Yamada is the Japanese Kermit,

Ziyi Zhang, that gorgeous thang, is killing fools as she sees fit.