Eff, Marry, Kill: 'Warm Bodies' Edition

By Kase Wickman

January 29, 2013 / 3:19 PM

One of the (many) taglines for the upcoming zom-rom-com (that would be the new genre of zombie rom-coms that we hope is just beginning) "Warm Bodies" is "Cold Body, Warm Heart." That's exactly how we tried to approach this edition of Eff, Marry, Kill: Just as the human Julie (Teresa Palmer) learns to look past the grey-skinned zombie facade of R (Nicholas Hoult), we (our expert panel of Effemkayers) must learn to look beyond that handsome genetic Franco facade and ask ourselves the important questions: Who is he really? Does he had a warm heart? Is he kind?

Do we want to eff him?

We invite you to ask these same questions alongside us in this very special "Warm Bodies" edition of Eff, Marry, Kill, pitting Nicholas Hoult, Dave Franco and John Malkovich against one another for a place in our hearts, a place in our beds, and a place at the bottom of a cliff.

Onwards and effwards!

Katey Rich, CinemaBlend editor-in-chief

At the risk of sounding like an ageist jerk, I have a hard time imagining spending any romantic time with John Malkovich. It's not that he doesn't make bald work; he's just so intense and odd that time in the bed, marital or otherwise, would get weird way too quick. When it comes to Dave Franco and Nicholas Hoult, though, we've got the opposite problem-- aren't both of these guys children? A bit of vigorous research (a.k.a. IMDB) reveals that Franco is 27 and Hoult is 23, so there's really just one question: whose family do you most want to visit on holidays? Having seen the videos that the Franco family has made with their grandma, I think there's a pretty easy choice there. Nicholas Hoult gets a roll in the hay, but Dave Franco gets to stick around for the long haul.

Eff: Dave Franco

Marry: Nicholas Hoult

Kill: John Malkovich

Sabrina Rojas Weiss, VH1 senior editor

First of all, I interviewed Nicholas Hoult when he was just a wee lad, starring in "About a Boy" 10 years ago, so I’m still coming to terms with my current crush on him — when did I become a cradle-robbing cougar?!? But having read his ex Jennifer Lawrence’s quotes about sitting around eating Cheetos with him, I’m quite certain he’s the marrying type. Dave Franco is hotness on a stick — maybe he’s also very nice and likes Cheetos too, but I’m content to imagine he’s douchey like his character in 21 Jump Street, so that I can use him for sex with a clear conscience. And I’m sorry, John Malkovich’s voice makes my skin crawl — that’s the very point of Malkovich, isn’t it? — and I can’t think of him without seeing that scene when he enters his own head in Being John Malkovich. Hilarious but unsexy. I guess that’s grounds for death in this fantasy world of ours!

Eff: Dave Franco

Marry: Nicholas Hoult

Kill: John Malkovich

Kase Wickman, NextMovie staff

First things first: Nicholas Hoult, you are mine. I don't care that he looked like an owl when he was just a kid in "About a Boy" (and I still wouldn't be surprised if he hooted a little; I don't give a hoot). We're close to the same age, he seems really nice, he has distinctive enough facial features that I would be able to find him in a crowd (see: owly), and he used to date Jennifer Lawrence. I really like Jennifer Lawrence, so, sure, I'll take her sloppy seconds any day. That leaves us with Dave Franco and John Malkovich. Tough choices, guys! Malkovich is a living legend, but Franco is a living Franco. Which makes me wonder...what would he be like as a dead Franco? Sorry, Davey, but you're dead, just for the novelty of it. John...all that experience has to add up to something, right?

Eff: John Malkovich

Marry: Nicholas Hoult

Kill: Dave Franco