What Is Diet Water? 18 Things We Want To Know About 'Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt'

First up: how is this show so hilarious?

It's been almost a week since the entire first season of "Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt" made it out of the bunker and onto Netflix on March 6th, so we figure now's a good time to start talking about all the unanswered questions we have about Kimmy, Titus, Jacqueline, and everyone else in Tina Fey's latest bunch of sitcom weirdos. Here are a few things that have been on our mindgrapes over the past few days:

Warning: Spoiler Alert for the whole season!

  1. How many calories are there in diet water?

    Is it like celery? Do you burn calories while drinking it?

  2. Which chapter is Cindy going to take out of the Durnsville science textbooks?

    I hope it's the one about rock formations. Admit it, you don't remember the difference between sedimentary and igneous rocks either!

  3. What is Xanthippe's life in Connecticut going to be like?

    Let's be honest: if there's one place a Lannister would truly flourish, it's there.

  4. Are we going to get more Dong next season?

    It would be really easy to write out Ki Hong Lee's character now that he's secured his green card marriage, but we sure hope they don't do that next season -- he and Kimmy have some great chemistry together.

  5. Where does the phrase "making waffles out of someone" come from?

    I choose to believe it comes from a very special lady in Pawnee, Indiana.

  6. Is Reverend Richard Wayne Gary Wayne going to grow his ponytail and beard back while in prison?

    He probably should, if only so the audience won't have to reconcile their love of Jon Hamm with Wayne's total creepiness.

  7. What will happen to the new members of Savior Rick’s Spooky Church of the Scary-pocalypse?

    We know from Gretchen's outburst in the season finally that she's probably ready to give up Reverend Gary, but what about the other girls who became believers when the trial began?

  8. Are we going to see more of Jacqueline's parents?

    We'll always welcome an opportunity to put Gil Birmingham back on our screens.

  9. Will Yuko ever exact her swift and brutal revenge?

    What if all of "Kimmy Schmidt" was just a sideways prequel to the "Terminator" series? It could happen.

  10. How does Kimmy actually get around everywhere?

    We only see her excitedly riding the subway once. How does she move about Manhattan the rest of the time?

  11. Will we ever meet Kimmy Schmidt's mom?

    She might have run away and left Kimmy in the (in)capable hands of her stepdad Randy, but we're sure she'll be back someday -- which would be a perfect opportunity to cast Julianne Moore, if you ask us!

  12. Where the heck did Titus get all that seduction corn?

    I refuse to believe there is a farmer's market in his neighborhood.

  13. Speaking of which, where did the cult get all their food?

    Did they really have 15 years worth of canned foods down there? It's implied that Reverend Gary occasionally left the bunker to DJ weddings terribly and audition for "The Apprentice," so he could have restocked on occasion, but how did he explain it to the girls?

  14. Did Jeremy ever troll the respawn?

    Either way, I hope he knows how much Charlie loves him.

  15. Will Rosa ever publicly admit that she speaks perfect English?

    Think of all the success she's had so far marketing her molé sauce!

  16. How did Gretchen grow her hair back so quickly after her "Today Show" makeover?

    In the pilot, Matt Lauer's team gave Gretchen a new red bob and fancy clothes -- but the next time we saw her in Durnesville, she was back to her cult dress and old-timey braid. Was the bob a wig all along? I KNEW there was something fishy about those makeovers!

  17. What even is Tina Fey's perm?

    Other than glorious, of course.

  18. Will we ever get the theme song out of our heads, damn it?

    Okay, we know the answer to that one already: no.