Looking For A Valentine's Teddy Bear With Swag? Meet The Hollabears

They're like Care Bears, except they only care about dat ass.

It's almost February, guys, which means that in a couple weeks you'll demonstrate your commitment by romantically emptying your bank account. Along with chocolates, roses (not from the grocery store, you cheap bastard) and a prix fixe dinner, you'll need to invest in a plush toy.

Fortunately, this one eliminates the need for an overpriced card...

The Hollabears were invented by a guy in L.A. (not Seth MacFarlane) who thought foulmouthed, horny teddy bears were a fun idea. This entrepreneur, named Tim, reveals the origin story:

"6 years ago, when I was 21 and had my first girlfriend (yea I was late to the game), I somehow didn't realize that you are supposed to get your significant others gifts for their birthdays. On the day of, I needed to think of a gift quickly. Chocolate? No, overdone. Go out to dinner? We did that too much already.

So my big budget and I went over to the drugstore in my hometown of Oakland to try to get some ideas. There were a lot of teddy bears and other lovey-dovey crap but they were all really low quality. I saw a guy talking to a 'female' as he called her, and when she started walking away, he yelled out 'AYE BITCH I'M TRYNA HOLLA.' It didn't change her mind, but clearly she didn't have good taste."

This act of street harassment inspired Tim to put that exact phrase to the first Hollabear's mouth, and his girlfriend "laughed her ass off."

The Hollabears are made from "very comfortable high quality PV fleece material," which "means your lover(s) gonna want to rub it on their face all night. Maybe spray it with your own scent so they think of you while they do that." Mmm, sounds erotic. BRB, gonna fill a spray bottle with my own scent.

And for those of you dating someone of the Hebrew persuasion, check out this "Jewish Ghetto 'Is U Jewish? Cuz U Israeli Hot' Teddy Bear," who's "just tryna holla at the next Bar Mitzvah and Hanukkah!" (Uh, not tryna be super P.C., but Jews may be a little sensitive to the word "ghetto.")

Even if you're not currently in a relationship, Tim suggests that a Hollabear may help if you're "trying to coax [someone] out of the friendzone." We're struggling to envision this scenario actually transpiring in a billion years, but that's why he's the visionary, not us. So head over to the Hollabears store and buy one of each, why don't you?

"[B]y this store, I mean my bedroom which is currently full of these bears and shipping materials," Tim explains.