Some of us go to Super Bowl parties to watch the game and hang with friends. Some of us go to watch the commercials and musical performances. And then there are those of us with a single, beautiful mission: Shove gallons of queso into our face-holes as fast as we possibly can.
Frankly, we'd be happy to claw our TOSTITOS® Zesty Bean & Cheese Dip straight from the glass jar, but if you're hosting a Super Bowl soirée, you want to impress your guests and leave 'em saying, "Damn, son, those serving dishes are tight." What would happen if gossip got around town that you're distributing Chex™ Party Mix in a filthy rain bucket?
Save your reputation and unleash your inner Martha Stewart with these badass bowls, all of which are surely the best investment you could ever make...
Patriots helmet bowl ($54.95 + $8.50 shipping)
If you're not from Boston (or any of the surrounding towns/states that qualify people as being "from Boston"), there's always...
Seahawks helmet bowl ($77.98)
Why the price difference between the two helmets? Why anything? Why do men have nipples? Why do you feel unhappier as you draw closer to realizing your dreams?
Illegally deflated football bowl (DIY)shininghope/Getty Images
Topical! Don't bring it into the restroom though.
Cheerleader bowl ($25)
She was a real girl, but a goat blood-soaked NFL commissioner Roger Goodell placed an evil spell on her in the woods and now she's cursed to cheer for your Buffalo chicken forever.
ANYTHING by this company (approx. $35.99)
You don't even need a TV at your Super Bowl party if you have one of these.
Healthy "TMNT" bowl
Broccoli + carrots + olives + your favorite ranch dip or just melted butter. Actually, why melt it?
"Breaking Bad" bowl ($75)
Perfect for blue crystal rock candy, and then you can be all, "Wait, did I fill this with the candy or the real ... oh sh-t, guys, prepare for takeoff."
If people suspect you're recycling decorations from your Halloween party, politely explain that it's not a zombie, just a middle-aged ex-quarterback who suffered one too many concussions.
Mario sniffing his own butt bowl? (Current bid: $15)
So many questions. Why is Luigi stocky, not lanky? Also, do Nintendo characters have butt-holes, or are they like digitized Barbie dolls? What did they think of that "Girls" episode?
Baseball bowl (for trolling your guests)
"Guess what we have to look forward to? September is just around the corner, right? Ha! Ha!"
Katy Perry bowlMario Philippona