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Sorry, But The Illuminati Totally Controlled The 2017 VMAs

Fire! Triangles! Ahh!

Another year, another (Illuminati-controlled) VMAs.

It’s my sincere regret to inform you — for the fourth year in a row — that the Illuminati pulled all the strings at the 2017 MTV Video Music Awards. Yep, the secretive global elite were back and weirder than ever at the Katy Perry-hosted bash on Sunday night (August 27), where they attempted to brainwash the masses with their New World Order agenda. Want the proof? Of course you do, so embrace your inner conspiracy theorist and check it out.

  1. The stage design had triangles galore.
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    Triangles have a ~spiritual~ significance for the ‘Nati, and they were everywhere inside The Forum: on the ceilings, on the stage, on the walls, etc. This was the least subtle design the Illuminati have crafted since that spiral-shaped stage in 2014 (which was also at The Forum... coincidence or nah?!).

  2. Miley Cyrus sketchily defied age.
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    Miley claiming that she’s “younger now” is hella sus. How is that possible? How can someone be younger than they were before? Simple! They join the Illuminati, and smear their art with underlying themes of immortality to threaten us with their power. Oh, and then they package it with a distractingly adorable throwback pic to mask the sketchiness of it all. We’re on to you, MC.

  3. Red was the color of the night.
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    What do Lauren Jauregui, Ed Sheeran, Vanessa Hudgens, DJ Khaled, and Julia Michaels have in common? They all wore attention-grabbing red threads last night, flashing the Illuminati’s favorite color before our very eyes. Throw in Cardi B’s pre-show performance of “Bodak Yellow” — in which she raps about “bloody shoes” — and you’ve got a style-centric Illuminati takeover.

  4. Lorde’s voice was taken away.
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    Clearer heads will try to tell you that Lorde didn’t sing last night because she had the flu. But what if she was actually possessed by the Illuminati, and her performance of “Homemade Dynamite” was intended as a subliminal message about the society’s all-controlling powers? Really makes ya think.

  5. Katy Perry referenced a world on fire.
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    You probably know where this is going: The Illuminati want to set our world on fire so they can hijack it and restore their New World Order. Duh.

  6. Kendrick Lamar’s entire performance.
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    UM, HELLO. Kendrick’s opening performance was a mission statement of sorts, introducing viewers to a world hotter than hell: one where walls — and people! — are set on fire. He lit the VMA stage ablaze, and in doing so, he told us to “sit down” so the Illuminati can take over and do their thing. Sorry.

So there you have it! See you next year for another edition of “Let me pummel you with silly Illuminati theories that I really, really hope you know are not meant to be taken literally!”

The 2017 VMAs touched down at the Forum in Inglewood, California, airing live on MTV. See the full list of winners and keep up with all of the night's biggest VMA moments!