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We Fan Cast Star Wars: The Last Jedi With Your Favorite Rappers

May the bars be with you

Rappers are nerds. No one with a booming social life would bother to sit in a room for hours, thinking of words that rhyme with other words. That is why rappers love Star Wars. The movie appeals to the inner-obsessive within the modern poet. For example, Kanye rapping, "Star Wars fur / yeah I'm rockin' Chewbacca," is a stunt about sartorial opulence undercut by the overwhelming dorkiness of comparing your fur to a Wookie.

To celebrate the release of the latest entry in the Star Wars saga, here is an alarmingly detailed examination of your favorite Star Wars: The Last Jedi characters as rappers.

Warning: There are more spoilers in this article than there are salt crystals on the surface of Crait.

  • Lil Porg
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    Love 'em or hate 'em the porgs are on top. The Ewok's spiritual successors stole Star Wars: The Last Jedi through sheer force of cuteness and never looked back. In many ways, Lil Pump is similar to these space otter chickens. The resemblance between them is uncanny, and if you listen to their repetitive squaks, they sound similar to Pump's hypnotic "Gucci Gang" chorus.

    Pump rode this wave of divisiveness to a Top 3 song in the country. The porgs are killing the merchandise game this Christmas season. Sometimes the road to success is paved with the cries of petulant fanboys. Long live the porgs.

  • Fire Marshall Chewbacca

    Everyone wants to be Chewbacca, especially our little friends the porgs. The pinnacle of cuteness in The Last Jedi is seeing one of the puffin-like creatures imitating Chewie's signature growl. You know who also has a signature growl? Nayvadius DeMun "Future" Wilburn. Listen to "Group Home," to get a taste of Future's unique vocal manipulation. It sounds like the Atlanta crooner's voice was dragged through a wood chipper before drinking a cup of lean-flavored sandpaper. It's easily just as iconic as a Wookiee cry.

    There is no island of porgs in the real world, but metaphorically there are tons of rappers trying to imitate the dirty sprite chaos Future Hendrix sows. However, none come close.

  • Drizzy Dameron
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    If there is anyone in a galaxy far, far away who likes strip clubs, it is Poe Dameron. When Poe isn't in the middle of being demoted to a captain in the Resistance, he is trying to be "Captain save a stripper who doesn't need saving." That is why Poe's spirit animal is Aubrey "Drake" Graham.

    Poe and Drizzy are two amazingly attractive men with mommy issues. That sexual tension between Dameron and Vice Admiral Holdo is peak 6 God. While a powerful woman is trying to tell the X-Wing pilot she has everything under control, Poe's in his own world, rapping, "Hermès link, green-milk mink."

  • Luke Hovwalker
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    Maturity and the Force are the same. Both concepts are ethereal, hard to explain, and even harder to master. This year Jay-Z's 4:44 did something unheard of in hip-hop; it allowed our hero to age. The character arc of Hov and Luke are mirror images. For both men to grow, they had to reckon with the misery and pain they wrought on their loved ones.

    The opening song on 4:44 is "Kill Jay-Z," while the climax of The Last Jedi is Luke becoming one with the Force. Both figures came to terms with the ways toxic masculinity impedes growth and in the process found light in the future of smart and capable young women.

  • Finn The Rapper
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    Finn is the everyman. The former stormtrooper doesn't have force abilities like Rey, the natural charisma of Poe, or the legendary lineage of Kylo Ren. But through his heart and tenacity, Finn accomplishes heroic feats that are unimaginable for someone more used to janitorial duties than Jedi training.

    All of these qualities are inherent to Chance the Rapper's persona. The Chicago rapper found a future outside of the confines of the major label system in the same way Finn found one outside of the First Order. People come to Chance, because we're all Chance — making it up along as we go.

  • Lil Kylo Vert
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    All of Kylo Ren's friends are most likely dead. To be fair Kylo probably killed them in a fit of rage. He also pushed his father, Han Solo, to the edge after shoving a lightsaber through his chest. Emo Jedis cannot be trusted.

    Lil Uzi Vert and the former Ben Solo are kindred spirits — talented men cursed by the bottomless pit of their emotional vulnerability. In one of the most transformative moments of the Force Awakens sequel, Kylo Ren boldly proclaims: "Let the past die. Kill it if you have to. It's the only way to become what you were meant to be."

    Many might say Uzi killed off the battle rap past of Philadelphia for a brighter, melody-tinged future. Whether he will continue to wield this power for good is anyone's guess.

  • Red Bottom Rey
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    One of the most significant twists of The Last Jedi is the revelation of Rey's parentage. Surprisingly, Rey's parents weren't anyone special. According to Kylo, they were drunkards that sold Rey for a chance to get off Jakku. While this choice might seem divisive, it gives the new Star Wars trilogy an essential thematic skeleton. One doesn't need to be defined by their past or elitist lineage to provide hope.

    Cardi B like Rey, has no affiliation. She wasn't cosigned by a male artist like Notorious B.I.G., Jay-Z, or Lil Wayne, unlike female rappers that came before her. Her power — the overwhelming success of "Bodak Yellow," scene-stealing verse on "Motor Sport," and abundance of charisma — is eerily Force-like. Cardi B is a beacon of hope for the future of her genre, much like Rey.