WARNING: "HARRY POTTER" (AND "GAME OF THRONES") SPOILERS AHEAD.

Whether you're a Gryffindor or a Slytherin, you have one person to thank for your allegiance, and one person only: J.K. Rowling — and there's no day like today to offer up some very big thanks, as the "Harry Potter" creator celebrates her 50th birthday.

(Incidentally, today is Harry's birthday, too. He just turned 35. Wrap your heads around that, muggles.)

Without Rowling, there would be no Hogwarts, no Sorting Hat, no Quidditch World Cup, no "Potter" at all. So do the legendary author a favor, would you? There are a few questions you should probably never ask her again — questions she has either already answered, questions she will NEVER answer, or questions she has no reason to answer. Please consider banning the following 50 questions as part of your birthday gift to the great J.K. Rowling:

Can you write another "Harry Potter" book?

Maybe she will, maybe she won't, but you asking her to write more won't make it happen.

Will you ever write anything again?

She's writing all the time. Heck, she's even writing more "Potter" stuff from time to time.

Wait, what do you mean by that?

Check it out! You want more Potter? Cue up Pottermore.

Okay, let's talk turkey. Can you tell me why my HP OTP never got together?

The answer will always be "because they didn't."

But why didn't Hermione and Harry ever hook up?

Because they didn't.

But what about Hermione and—

BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T.

But, Hermione and Ron… really? Come on.

Actually, there are days when she agrees with you, so let's just leave it there.

Why didn't Neville Longbottom and Luna Lovegood wind up together?

Because not everyone marries their high school sweetheart. NEXT.

What's your position on Sexy Neville?

Please don't bring this up.

Why did you kill off Harry's parents?

Because that's the story. Life is rough.

Why did you kill Ned Stark?

Wrong story.

Why did Snape kill Dumbledore?

Did you… I mean, you read these books, right?

Why did you kill off Hedwig? Do you hate owls or something?

Actually, I was wondering the same thing.

Is Sirius Black actually dead, or is there life beyond the veil?

I used to have hope, and then he was one of the apparitions glimpsed via the Resurrection Stone, so… yeah. Bummer.

Can racists belong to any house other than Slytherin?

NOPE.

But are all Slytherins racist?

Let's hope not, otherwise Merlin has some explaining to do.

If snakes are deaf, then how can anyone communicate with them via parseltongue?

Already answered: Magic.

Why did you kill Robb and Catelyn Stark?

WRONG STORY!

Is Moaning Myrtle secretly an American politician?

Nope, but you'd be forgiven for thinking so.

Cedric Diggory or Edward Cullen?

Come on. Stop it.

Can you tell us more about the "Harry Potter" stage play prequel?

IT'S NOT A PREQUEL.

But why haven't you written a "Harry Potter" prequel about the Marauders yet?

Hrm… good question. Yeah, you can ask that one.

What happens after the "Deathly Hallows" epilogue?

Accio "Dumbledore's Army Reunites."

Will you write a book about "Fantastic Beasts" after the movie comes out?

Hey, good news. It already exists!

Who is your pick to play Newt Scamander?

No need to ask, the answer is here.

Who is your king?

Awful question. Everyone knows "Weasley is our King."

Is it possible that Fred didn't really die and it's actually just the most epic Weasley twin prank of all time?

Nope. Dead.

But what if Fred and George —

Hey, can we not bring up the "Fred is dead" thing? It still hurts too much.

But Fred —

Look, she said she's sorry, alright?! Leave it alone!

Why did you kill Jon Snow?

Wrong story, AND he's not dead!

Wait, Jon Snow's not dead?

Correct. Look into his eyes.

Okay, but you DID kill off a bunch of characters. Do you have any regrets?

Yes.

So, you share a birthday with Harry. That's a pretty big coincidence, don't you think?

…

Does your first name stand for "Just Kidding"?

Wow.

Have I asked about Sexy Neville yet?

Yes you have, and please don't do it again.

What about Dudley?

I actually don't know if she knows about this yet so please don't traumatize her.

Is there an American Hogwarts?

Stay tuned for "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them."

Hey, where's my Hogwarts letter?

YOU ALREADY HAVE IT!

So, if Jon Snow isn't dead, then how is he…

WRONG. STORY. STOP. IT.

But what would "Game of Thrones" look like if you wrote it?

Something like this.

Whatever happened to Fluffy?

Already asked, already answered.

Can I name my dog after Fluffy?

Of course. You can name your dog Sirius, or Remus, or any other "Harry Potter" character you want.

Really? I can even name my dog Voldem—

DO NOT SAY HIS NAME.

(Although Voldemutt has a certain ring to it.)

How was Draco Malfoy's 35th birthday party this year?

Don't bother asking, she wouldn't know.

I know you said Dumbledore is gay, but —

Yep, he is, and if you don't like it, too bad.

Why were the Dursleys so mean to Harry?

Answered.

Who did you vote for in the Harry Potter World Cup?

That's so 2011.

Where are your Horcruxes located?

(A) That's offensive, and (B) it's not like she would ever tell you!

But seriously… can you please write another "Harry Potter" book?

Upon further reflection, you CAN ask this question. Nothing wrong with wanting to will something wonderful into the universe.

When is "The Winds of Winter" coming out?

I give up.