Art by Amelia Rossi and Natasha Taylor
If you loved "Game of Thrones," the novel, long before it became a blockbuster TV series, then you know the exquisite agony of George R.R. Martin's publishing schedule.
The author's "A Song of Ice and Fire" series, upon which HBO's "Game of Thrones" is based, is made up of mammoth fantasy tomes that take Martin forever to write. The wait for the next book, "The Winds of Winter," has stretched for years now, and it's already widely rumored that the current season will be the one in which the show officially outpaces its source material.
But wait, you guys: It gets worse. In the as-yet-undetermined period of time before George R.R. Martin manages to complete "The Winds of Winter," some other, quicker author might actually beat him to it. It could happen! And just imagine what the next dispatch from Westeros might be like, if it were written by...
Nerdy, different Jon Snow is joined by his best pal Theon Greyjoy and a motley crew of Starks, for an epic road trip to track down longtime crush Daenarys Targaryen. Witticisms and vaguely profound conversations about the transient nature of teen life in Westeros ensue. Jon expects his reunion with Daenarys to be a romantic victory, but as it turns out, she is emphatically not thrilled to see him and then Drogon the Dragon burns the entire road trip crew to a crisp. Because if people were rain, Jon Snow would be sad emo sleet and Daenarys Targaryen would be a firestorm.
An elderly, one-handed man sits on an unusual chair and reads his Alzheimer’s-stricken lady friend an epic story written in a notebook about kings and queens, three-eyed ravens, swordplay and dragons, and the endless battle for political supremacy in a town called “Westeros.” As the story comes to an end, the lady’s mind suddenly clears and she realizes that she is Cersei Lannister, Queen of the Iron Throne, and that the man reading to her is her brother, Jamie. Unfortunately, because the notebook is 37,000 pages long, Cersei and Jamie are only able to be reunited in a lucid moment once every seven years.
The first rule of playing the game of thrones is, you do not talk about the game of thrones.
The second rule of playing the game of thrones is, you do not talk about the game of thrones.
Also, Jamie Lannister and Jon Snow and Daenarys Targaryen and Brienne of Tarth are all actually the same person.
Jon Snow has never quite fit in with the rest of the Stark kids, who keep him locked in a cupboard under the stairs and mercilessly remind him at every opportunity that he’s a bastard weirdo who never knew his mom. But when he’s 11, an enormous stranger named Hagrid Karstark whisks him away to the Winterfell School of Night-Watching and Wizardry, where he and his pet raven, Wighead, embark upon seven years of magical adventures in the snowy north.
Rather than waging a strategic war for the Iron Throne over the course of several years, two representatives from each of the houses Stark, Lannister, Targaryen, Baratheon, Martell, Greyjoy, and Bolton all assemble in a giant arena for a televised gladiator fight to the death. Winner takes Westeros!
It takes awhile for awkward new girl Daenarys Targaryen to figure out what’s different about her sexy lab partner… until she realizes that he and his whole family are actually White Walkers. Which is awkward, because her BFFs the Starks are all direwolf wargs, who have a longtime grudge against cold, sexy zombies from the North. The resulting love triangle will launch three more books, a movie franchise, and a cottage industry of t-shirts emblazoned with either “Team Robb” or “Team Zombie.”
When college senior Theon Greyjoy interviews prominent businessman Ramsay Snow as a favor for a friend, he doesn't realize that his life is about to change... forever. The enigmatic Mr. Snow is a man who exercises control in all things -- and the naive Theon is only too ready to submit to the exquisite tortures that await him in Ramsay's Red Room Of Pain And Emotionally Fraught Sausages. Get ready to be blown away by... Fifty Shades of Greyjoy.