And thus the Bieb’s Comedy Central Roast got underway!
The nearly four-hour affair taped Saturday night (March 14) at Sony Studios in Los Angeles, and featured skewering at the hands of merciless roasters who dubbed Justin “the King Joffrey of pop” and “the b-tch of the hour.”
Led by Roast master Hart, the dais included comedians Hannibal Buress, Chris D’Elia (Justin’s fave comic), Pete Davidson, Natasha Leggero, and roast veteran Jeff Ross. Also on the bill were Shaquille O’Neal, Martha Stewart (or the “evil white Oprah,” as Hart nicknamed her), Ludacris, and Snoop Dogg.
Almost nothing was off limits as the firing squad took turns taking shots at Bieber’s brushes with the law, neighborhood egging, monkey-sitting adventures, and underwear modeling. They also tackled his Canadian roots (Hart: “The man proves we’re protecting the wrong border”), controversial Anne Frank comments (Ross: “If she heard your music she would’ve Uber’d to Auschwitz”), and ex Selena Gomez (Ross: “Selena wanted to be here but she’s dating men now”).
An edited version of the show will air March 30 at 10 p.m. ET/PT. Until then, here's a peek at what it was like inside and a preview of what you can expect to see.
The temperature was in the mid-90s in L.A., but all the men gamely got suited up for the black-tie affair. Justin showed up rocking a stylish purple ensemble.
“Workaholics” stars Blake Anderson and Anders Holm accompanied him down the red carpet, which was apparently a last-minute idea. Justin’s a huge fan of the show, and his manager, Scooter Braun, saw the actors on the way to the red carpet and asked them to join JB for his grand entrance.
There was a sh-t ton of food. This was the mouth-watering menu for the evening.
Another treat not listed on the menu was a deviled egg at each seat that included the instructions, “for tasting, not tossing." Each table also had bottles of pinot noir and chardonnay with custom #BieberRoast labels. And just before the lights dimmed at approximately 6:40 p.m., each attendee received a miniature bag of caramel-coated popcorn.
But the pop rock brownies and Twinkies were (obvi) the crowd favorite.
One of the biggest laughs of the night didn’t even involve a punchline — everyone just couldn’t help but crack up seeing Hart and Shaq standing next to each other.
In fact, almost every roaster commented on their sizes. Davidson joked, “It’s an honor to be at a roast hosted by Shaq’s di--,” while Leggero jabbed, “Shaq's di-- is so big, he has to use Dropbox to send a di-- pic.”
There were not one, but two, Paul Walker jokes, which drew mixed reactions from the audience.
It was that kind of cringe-y, “should I laugh?” vibe that was made even more awkward because Walker’s “Fast and Furious” costar Ludacris was onstage. Justin said after the show that he “didn’t particularly like the Paul Walker jokes.”
Snoop Dogg had no problem making himself at home onstage. He nonchalantly lit up a joint and sipped on red wine, admitting when he took the podium, “I don't need a warmup! I've been smoking and drinking; I feel real good!”
Speaking of Snoop, his roast is almost definitely the one that will be edited down the most. He dropped the “n word” at least 20 times, which had Hart practically rolling on the floor.
As you probably guessed, there was a surprise roaster who crashed the set about halfway through (and no, it wasn’t Selena or Seth Rogen).
Will Ferrell took the podium as his “Anchorman” onscreen counterpart, Ron Burgundy, with a glass of scotch in hand. He defended Justin, saying, “You people don't know what the hell you're talking about. As far as I'm concerned, this guy is doing it right...I always encourage people to stay classy. And what's more classy than hanging out with Floyd Mayweather?”
Kendall Jenner and Kourtney Kardashian sat together at a front table and gamely smiled at the few topical Bruce Jenner quips. Kendall also laughed along when Ross asked her, “What dating site did you (and Justin) meet on? OK Stupid?”
Some other celeb attendees in the crowd included Carly Rae Jepsen, Dave Chappelle, Ashley Benson, Chris Paul, John Legend, and Chrissy Teigen.
Martha Stewart turned out to be the dark horse spotlight-stealer of the night.
When she took the podium, she said she was there to give Justin some tips for when he “inevitably ends up in prison.” After offering to teach him how to make a shank, Stewart advised Justin to settle down and find a powerful, rich girl who’s “a player in the boardroom and a freak in the bedroom.” And with that, she quipped, “So Justin, my final piece of advice is: Call me.” BOOM.
Ross called Hart "the best roast master" he's ever seen, and it was easy to see why -- he was constantly hyping the crowd up and keeping things light and energetic.
A poppy playlist also helped liven up the room during each break. Some of the songs played included Jessie J’s “Bang Bang,” Fifth Harmony’s “Sledgehammer,” Usher’s “OMG,” and Jason DeRulo’s “Want to Want Me.”
Shaq laughed at EVERYTHING, and was constantly seen wiping his eyes with a napkin from cry-laughing so hard.
In the press room after the show, he self-deprecatingly told reporters, “I'm dumb, I'm ugly, I mumble…I just like laughing. I have a great sense of humor.”
Even if the whole night was just “an extremely transparent attempt to be more likable in the public eye,” as Buress hilariously suggested, Justin got the last laugh.
When it was finally his turn to take the podium, the 21-year-old roastee said, “I'm new to comedy but here's a joke. What do you get when you give a teenager 200 million dollars? A bunch of has-beens calling him a lesbian for two hours.” ZING! He also revealed backstage that he was planning on celebrating the night by hopping on a flight to Sin City, saying, "I'm going to Vegas...on my jet, b--tch!" Oh, Justin. Never change.