By Sam Griffel
It’s easy to see the Oscars as a celebration of the year’s best films, but they’re not. In reality, the Oscars are just a big fancy party full of incredibly good-looking people that none of us are invited to. Worse, even though we can’t sniff an invite, we’re expected to spend 4 hours watching Hollywood's sexiest people and perfect significant others — dressed in perfect gowns and stylish suits with their on-loan jewelry — while I sit at home in Old Navy pajamas eating burnt microwave popcorn and getting texts from my mom about how Billy Crystal should've hosted.
There's a lot not to like.
In fact there's so much to dislike about the 2019 Oscars that I made you a hate-watching guide. And while no one at MTV News asked me to do it, and they definitely don’t endorse anything I wrote below, we do agree that Paddington 2 was robbed. And that’s a start.
And now: A Hater's Guide To The 91st Academy Awards (in alphabetical order!):
A Star Is Born
Saying this movie is overrated is the best way to get kicked out of any brunch or group text. (That being said, "Shallow" may or may not have made me cry multiple times this week.)
A Quiet Place
I truly believe John Krasinski and Emily Blunt are an insufferably in-love workplace couple. You know the type: They carpool together every day and engage in PDA at work functions. I am convinced the entire crew hates them and their perfect life.
Best Actor / Best Actress
Why are we still separating acting categories by gender? Acting categories should only be divided into human and animal. Best Actor, Animal would always be won by a dog, and that dog would always host the following year. Tell me you wouldn't watch the scene-stealing terrier from Widows thank Viola Davis in his speech.
Historically, there have been more female professional race car drivers than Best Director nominees, which seems insane when misogyny says women can’t drive.
But they can direct.
Just ask Lynne Ramsey, director of You Were Never Really Here, Free Solo co-director Elizabeth Chai Vasarhelyi, and Susan Johnson, director of cultural phenomenon To All The Boys I Loved Before.
Director Marielle Heller and Melissa McCarthy on the set of Can You Ever Forgive Me?
Ten years of Marvel movies have taught me that superhero films are supposed to be full of poorly-written female characters, villains with vague motivations, and run 30 minutes too long. Black Panther is none of those. So how is it the first superhero movie nominated for Best Picture, when it’s not even a true superhero movie?
Bryan Singer, next.
Can You Ever Forgive Me?
Richard Grant may be Oscar nominated, but this film’s hero is whoever trained Towne, the cat. I catsat once, and the only thing I got that monster to do was projectile vomit on my roommate’s duvet by feeding it too quickly. Meanwhile someone got a cat to out-act Melissa McCarthy. Sounds like Towne’s looking at a Best Actor, Animal nominee.
You focus on how good Olivia Colman, Rachel Weisz, and Emma Stone are. I’m focusing on how pretentious the film’s spelling of "favorite" is.
I’m not ready to reward someone who tried killing all those puppies in that 101 Dalmatians movie. If you are, that’s on you.
Green Book's Oscars campaign has given us so many scandals, it's impossible to focus on a single one. What a genius strategy!
Nothing like a reminder that no matter what you accomplish in life you’re still only worth a 2-second photo in a montage.
His apology tour was so long it makes the Oscars broadcast seem normal length.
Some person who knows about animated foreign documentary shorts is going to win your pool, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Ten nominations seem like too many when the director doesn’t even know you can shoot movies in color… which is crazy because back in 2013 he made Gravity, a movie in color that also got 10 nominations. Is Alfonso Cuarón, arguably the greatest living director of our time, going colorblind?!
Somehow not being nominated has only made him more likeable.
Watching Oscar Movies In Theaters
Our generation is drowning in student debt, but I’m supposed to shell out $200 to watch eight Best Picture nominees in theaters? The only way I was able to see all these films was sneaking into my local theater and hiding in the bathroom stall between showings. Legally, I can’t advise doing this, but I can tell you it works.
Adam McKay lectures you for not caring enough about the war criminals in the Bush administration, but has anyone asked him what he was doing at that time? (He was writing Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy.)
Best Actor, Animal
This still doesn’t exist yet? What the hell, Oscars?