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Chris Evans Is Some Loser Who Hates His Penis On Kimmel

He’s a broken, pathetic shell of a man

With his Marvel contract nearly up, Chris Evans is already planning his next big Hollywood role: a gritty, Oscar-caliber biopic where he can totally lose himself in a character. Think Daniel Day-Lewis in Lincoln. Natalie Portman in Jackie. Nicole Kidman and her nose in The Hours. These are the kinds of meaty roles Evans wants — and he's up for the challenge.

In Dennis, a (fake) biopic about some loser named Dennis, Evans plays “a broken, pathetic shell of a man with nothing to live for.” (That honestly sounds like most Oscar-winning roles. Just ask Casey Affleck.) He's depressed. He hates his penis. He drops his microwave cheeseburger in the toilet and eats it anyway. Hollywood loves to fetishize sad-boy melancholia!

Some executive has probably already green-lit this Jimmy Kimmel Live! sketch and set it up to premiere at next year's Sundance Film Festival. In the meantime, watch the clip above.