Delete Your Account is a weekly column that takes the hot air out of celebrities and their social media shenanigans. Every Friday, I will decide whether or not each perpetrator should delete their accounts and never grace the internet again. This week, 1600 Vine is under siege, the Baldwin brothers air their family drama, Newt Gingrich plays himself, and Kid Cudi got some time for Drake.
The video-streaming platform Vine is closing soon, according to Twitter. Vine founder Rus Yusupov found out along with the rest of the world and what’s ensued has been many memorials for the service. But is losing Vine all it’s really cracked up to be?
The best shit on Vine came from black people, no doubt. But black people are rarely on Twitter’s minds in the first place, so they sure as hell didn’t give a fuck about their black Vine users. What’s worse, it became so easy for white Vine users to monetize memes they created, like “Damn Daniel,” while Kayla Newman saw no profits for her creation of the viral phrase “on fleek.” Black teenagers were often innovators on the site and not rewarded with endorsement deals and visits to The Ellen DeGeneres Show. Instead, the most rewarded were often white, racist, and homophobic users like Nash Grier or accused rapists like Curtis Lepore who throw on wigs and shout things.
It’s been said that Vine wasn’t a haven for many of the trolls we see on Twitter and Facebook, which is very true — comments on Vine are much less harsh than other platforms. But that’s just because the people who are popular on Vine are often the trolls themselves.
SHOULD VINE DELETE ITS ACCOUNT? Honestly, fuck Vine. Black people will always find ways to be innovative. That will never change as long as we thrive and aspire to create dope shit. Hopefully the next social media platform that involves black innovation actually involves black people behind the scenes and ways for black users to not only monetize their creativity, but to not see it vanish when someone decides they’re shutting down an app.
Here, in lasting memory, is the best Vine ever created — a black, queer riff on the Halloween movies that betrays the white-centric, racist homophobia that gets rewarded on Vine.
THE BALDWIN BROTHERS
I know we all love Alec Baldwin so much we forget that his brother Stephen is a goddamn lunatic, but his brother Stephen is a GODDAMN LUNATIC. He’s a right-winging, bitter-clinging, proud clinger of his direct-to-VOD paychecks, and he’s essentially become a mouthpiece for Donald Trump this election cycle, tweeting even more than that giant Roald Dahl peach himself. Of course, it makes sense, since one of the people who’s managed to keep Stephen’s light bill paid in the past few years has been Donald Trump. Stephen managed to appear on 27 episodes of The Apprentice from 2006 to 2013, continuously working the pole and hoping that Donald would throw food stamps at his G-string.
But what we must not forget is that Alec isn’t the only great Baldwin. No, Billy “I Starred in Flatliners” Baldwin is also pretty great. He played Serena’s sleazy father on Gossip Girl, so, like, the man is pretty much an icon to me. Sometimes you forget how much you love people. Then those people roast the fuck out of their brother in public and tell them to shut up about Donald Trump.
Stephen, of course, didn’t listen because as we established ... LUNATIC. He’s probably going to try to take over Gotham City once Trump loses the election, goes into hiding, and stops writing checks for Stephen.
SHOULD STEPHEN DELETE HIS ACCOUNT? Billy might take care of that for him ...
Um ... Newt ... you know that Megyn handed you your ass on television, right? Why would you share this clip? Newt is out here telling her she’s “fascinated with sex” because she brought up Donald Trump’s sexual assault allegations and, like … girl. Get a grip and get a life. Megyn Kelly isn’t “fascinated” with sex, she’s “fascinated” with doing her damn job, and you embarrassed yourself on TV yet again, as everyone who’s been coming out to shill for Trump has been doing. Kellyanne Conway has been losing her hair like she’s at a The Witches convention with Anjelica Huston, Tomi Lahren is wearing out her Jessica Simpson boots running around in circles finding new ways to be racist, and Rudy Giuliani is melting like a wax house in a Vincent Price flick. You don’t want to be defending Trump on TV, Newt.
And if you do, you really don’t want to share the clip of you being an idiot as if you somehow won something. Also, why is the man who cheats on his wives constantly and was in the midst of his own affair while trying to bring down Bill Clinton in the ’90s doing any kind of talk about sex on TV?
SHOULD NEWT DELETE HIS ACCOUNT? Delete, delete, delete.
Andy, no one asked you. Until you invite me to the Watch What Happens: Live clubhouse, then leave the account-deleting to me.
I recently addressed Kid Cudi in Delete Your Account, which was before he checked himself into rehab to work on his mental health. As a black man, I applaud Cudi for getting the help he needs and helping to break down the stigma surrounding mental health. However ... one thing I can tell you from writing this damn column every week is that twitter IS NOT the place to pursue positive mental health. Yeah, Drake is childish and petty and shouldn’t have released his dumb dis track “Two Birds, One Stone,” with lyrics: “Rap like I know I’m the greatest / Then give you the tropical flavors / Still never been on hiatus / You stay Xanned and Perced up.” But why are you even aware of this? I want Cudi to get the help he needs and feuding with Drake isn’t going to help matters.
I know somebody slid him his phone in rehab so he could shoot some quick fire at Drake, but this entire cycle seems to be poorly contributing to Cudi’s health and I hope he can come to realize that. Second, why do you want Drake to say something to your face? You trying to start a real beef in these streets? We already have Joe Biden and Donald Trump about to come to blows, can we not? Forget about Drake. Take care of yourself, please. We need you to be OK.