Freeform

Pretty Little Liars Reveals Hanna's Fate (But Neglects To Find Her Pants)

Can someone tell me why Hanna is running around in a tank and a pair of panties in the Season 7 premiere?

Pretty Little Liars kicked off its seventh season like it kicked off its previous season: with a harrowing flash-forward. Although, this time, not all of the Liars are present, which is some A-level trolling from executive Marlene King. We're supposed to think that the body Spencer, Emily, and Aria are burying in the episode's opening minutes is Hanna, but I've been watching Pretty Little Liars for six years now, and I know a red herring when I see one. Honestly, it's OK. At this point in my television-watching career, Pretty Little Liars is the only show I actively allow to lie to me.

So here we are: Three Liars, a couple of shovels, and plan gone terribly wrong. Pretty Little Liars is back, bitches!

Freeform

"It was a well-thought-out plan," Spencer tells Emily, who literally can not keep herself together. "When it ends up like this it's called first-degree murder." Well, it wouldn't be the first time. Just ask Shana. Oh, wait... you can't because Aria shot her. Oops.

But we don't really have time to analyze who's in the grave -- Alison? Hanna? Mary Drake? -- because we're immediately taken back to the current timeline, four days earlier. Hanna has been kidnapped by A.D., and the Scooby Gang (Caleb, Spencer, Aria, Emily, Ezra, Toby, and Mona) is understandably shaken. But before they can go to the police, they spot Mary Drake walking into the Rosewood Police Department.

Surprisingly, no one is shocked by the fact that Mrs. DiLaurentis had a long-lost twin nobody knew about. In fact, they take this news incredibly well. Sensing a purpose, Office Toby walks in to ask her a few questions. Apparently, Mary Drake is the new owner of the Lost Woods Resort, and she wants to file a report about a break in. Obviously, the Scooby Gang caused that break in, and she knows that, and Toby knows that, but neither party wants to show their hand too early. So Toby plays dumb, which probably wasn't very hard for him.

He reports back to the Liars with this newfound information, but before they can do some proper sleuthing, they receive an ominous text from A.D. a.k.a Uber A. It reads: "The bell tolls for Hanna." Dun dun dunnnn. They head to the bell tower.

Now, as a PLL fan, I'm a master at suspending my disbelief, but when the Liars and those adjacent believed that that life-size doll handing from the church bell was Hanna, I had the desire to make myself a strong drink. Like, REALLY?! How life-like could that doll have possibly been to make Caleb cry like that? Does silicone-covered hard plastic actually feel like flesh? I don't care how much money A-moji has, there's no way he/she pulled an Ex Machina with Hanna's body. Spencer, you are smarter than this. But I digress. After the big scare, A.D. sends another text. This time, he/she has a mission for the Liars: "You've got 24 hours to get me Charlotte's real killer or Hanna dies. Tick tock, bitches." (Sadly, there are no bargain-bin emojis.)

Freeform

Pretty Little Liars then turns into an episode of 24.

Everyone is working together to figure out the mystery of who killed Charlotte. It's like an IRL game of Clue in Spencer's barn. At least Toby is a cop. This should be easy, right? Wrong. There are two main suspects (excluding Mona and Spencer, who obviously voted for each other): Mary Drake and Alison. If you're thinking, "Alison would never harm Charlotte," Aria and Ezra conveniently drop that they saw Ali walk into the church the might of Charlotte's murder. Plus, Ali has a history of manipulation and being a giant bitch, so of course she makes the list of suspects.

So the Scooby Gang splits up to gather evidence. Mona and Caleb follow Mary Drake; Spencer and Toby break into the Lost Woods to get intel on Mary Drake; Emily heads to Welby State Psychiatric Hospital to talk to Alison; And Aria and Ezra sneak into Alison's house to find the red blazer they saw her wearing the night of Charlotte's murder. (You know, for forensic evidence.)

None of these leads really go anywhere, except for Emily's trip to Welby. Not only does she run into Shady Dr. Rollins, who's given Ali so many drugs that she can barely open her eyes, but when Ali does wake up, she practically tells Em that she killed Charlotte. Now, there's no way Ali killed Charlotte. If anything, Elliot planted it in her head to make her believe she did it. When Emily first arrived at Welby he told her that his wife was suffering from a "lethal dose of guilt" and asked if Em had any idea why. This guy clearly went to the Alison DiLaurentis School of Manipulation.

Freeform

Emily pays a visit to Ali at Welby in the Season 7 premiere, "Tick Tock, Bitches."

Meanwhile, Spencer and Toby learn that Mary Drake has traveled all over the world, and she's got the world's most pretentious collection of books to prove it. "She's a "self-taught Uber A," Spencer tells Toby. When they're done snooping, Spencer calls Caleb and he's like, "LOL. Girl, bye. I have to find Hanna."

Back at Alison's house, Aria and Ezra nearly have a run-in with Elliot, but they escape with just enough time to make googly-eyes at each other. As for Caleb and Mona, they're acting like a pair of snappish CIA agents outside of the Lost Woods, waiting for Mary Drake to make a move. And when she finally does -- with a trunk-load of bleach and charcoal, no less -- she heads to Spencer's house.

Caleb tries to warn Spencer of Mary Drake's impending arrival, but the message arrives just late enough that it's comical. "Are you Spencer or Melissa?" Mary Drake asks when Spencer opens the door. This seems like an unusual ice-breaker. It becomes extremely apparent that Mary Drake and the Hastings go way back. "We used to have a lot in common," she said. Huh. Interesting.

There's a whole lot of twin talk happening in this scene. Spencer is curious as to why Jessica's twin is showing up in Rosewood now, while Mary Drake seems intent on telling Spencer how similar she and Melissa looked as toddlers. (If Spencer has a twin, I will intentionally pull a Hefty Hanna and eat a dozen cupcakes in one sitting.)

Mary Drake also drops some casual tidbits about her tempestuous relationship with her sister, like, "I moved away because she turned everyone against me -- my friends, my family." By family, does she mean Charlotte? "I was born first, and she was born jealous," she explains, adding that she only came back to Rosewood because she found out her sister was dead.

Freeform

After Mary Drake leaves the Hastings home, Caleb and Mona are able to track one of her calls to Snookers -- yes, the infamous Ezria bar. So Aria heads to Snookers looking for Mary Drake's British (or possibly Australian) confidant. But instead of catching that particular man, she decides to catch her man when she shows up on Ezra's doorstep. "I don't need to know what we are today," she says. "I just need to be with you." Ezria is officially back on, and now that this relationship is no longer illegal, I can actually start to ship it.

At least Emily is out here getting tangible evidence to rescue Hanna. After leaving Welby, she heads to Ali's house looking for the one thing she hopes she doesn't find: Ali's red blazer. She wrestles with her feelings for Ali, while also dealing with the fact that her friend may have committed this heinous crime. By the time she finds the red blazer, Emily is racked with guilt. She knows what Ali did was wrong, but she can't help but remember her first love.

Freeform

In the end, Emily delivers the blazer to the rest of the Scooby Gang, and before they can finish their game of Clue, Caleb sneaks out with the blazer and heads to the Lost Woods Resort to deliver the evidence to Uber A. He doesn't want to waste time arguing; he just wants to save Hanna.

Meanwhile, poor Hanna is legit living in a horror movie. Clad only in a tank and a pair of panties, A.D. is clearly living out some sort of torture porn fantasy. (What is this, 10 Rosewood Lane?) Hanna's only refuge is Spencer, who comes to her in a dream. (Now, every time someone appears in a dream, it turns out that that person was really there, and if that's true in this case, that could make Spencer Uber A.) Hanna's "dream" is sweet, and it makes sense that she would dream of Spencer in the middle of a crisis. She's the one you want around if you're even in trouble. It also grounds the episode in something real: friendship. PLL has always been about these four girls. Dream Spencer reminds Hanna that "If there is a way in, there is a way out."

Freeform

With that in mind, when Hanna wakes up from her dream, she manages to escape A.D.’s clutches. But it doesn't take long before she's picked up on the side of the road by Mary Drake. But is Mary friend or foe at this point? Elliot is definitely looking like the season's Bad Guy after drugging Ali and telling her that "Karma can be such a bitch." Is Elliot also working for Uber A? Or is he trying to confuse Ali and make her believe that she killed Charlotte?

Honestly, I'm still thinking about how they thought that was really Hanna's body hanging from the bell tower. This show will be the death of me.