This has been the most boring Twitter week in recent memory. If this column were about YouTube, I'd have a thing or two to say about BuzzFeed Video's new content produced by Don Lemon and Ben Carson. But no, I was stuck with Twitter. So stick with me as I parse through Parker Posey's inability to use Twitter correctly, an irrelevant beef between Azealia Banks and Wale, and Gene Simmons ranting about Matlock reruns or whatever it is old white men have strong opinions about.
She later issued an apology saying she was "playing with the mask and language," which, what does that even mean? She sounds like a SoulCycle instructor. Parker Posey has been on Twitter for all of five seconds and we already have too much nonsense. Twitter is not for everyone, sis. You're a wonderful comedic actress — one of the best, actually. So why you gotta tweet? You weren't missing a damn thing. Hell is empty and all the devils are on Twitter.
Should Parker Posey Delete Her Account? Yes, girl. Go back to whatever it is you were doing before your first tweet on February 1, 2016.
AZEALIA BANKS, PART I
OH MY GOD, GIRL, SHUT THE HELL UP. Black men aren't defending you? Neither are black women. You are out here telling Sarah Palin you want her to be brutally gang raped by black dicks, using our bodies as a weapon in your petty fight with an irrelevant politician, and yet we need to defend you? Go make a fucking album. Get your ass off Twitter and stop being messy as hell and maybe someone would actually want to defend you. Yeah, a lot of straight black men let women and the gay community down. But not a damn thing about that has to do with your tired-ass Twitter account.
Should Azealia Delete Her Account? I. HAVE. ALREADY. TOLD. HER. ENOUGH.
AZEALIA BANKS, PART II: WALE
First of all, no one is terrified of Azealia Banks. We're terrified for her. Second, why are you always inserting your ass into drama when no one invited you? Just like you getting in the middle of Drake and Meek Mill — you always want attention you don't deserve. Do you have an album coming out? A mixtape?
Should Wale Delete His Account? Yes. Wale goes on and on about black men and the prison industrial complex and damn, son, go write a Medium post if it's that serious.
Speaking of people's opinions that no one asked for, here comes Erykah Badu warning girls that boys are dangerous and we have to worry about enticing them. Fuck outta here with that shit. I'm tired of everyone telling women how they need to dress in order to not arouse men. Maybe we should start teaching men that not everything is for them to get aroused by? Of course, she had fans riding her tired opinions without lube, but let's get to the crux of this argument — women, even young girls, are responsible for the actions of men.
This fake deep knowledge, of course, comes from someone who referred to R. Kelly, a sexual predator, as her brother and said he has "done more for the blacks than anyone." So do you expect her to be progressive? We're always supposed to be worried about men getting distracted by women's bare legs or cleavage. We're also supposed to worry that a woman who dresses provocatively might get raped. Also, didn't Erykah just try to steal someone's man on Twitter? How are you gonna try and tell women how to dress when you're out here doing the sin that did Jezebel in?
If you have nothing new to offer about rape culture, you should probably say nothing at all. Erykah continued to debate her point on Twitter, saying that while it's no woman's fault for being assaulted, women need to be "aware" in order to protect themselves. But how come it's insane to tell men to not wear hoodies, because the police might shoot them, but it's perfectly fine to tell a woman not to wear revealing clothing? For someone who once urged the community to "stay woke," Erykah sounds awfully exhausted.
Should Erykah Delete Her Account? Yes, girl, take a sabbatical, call Tyrone, do whatever it is you need to do — just invest in some self-care.
ICE CUBE VS. GENE SIMMONS
I have no idea why old white men are so pressed about the goddamn Rock and Roll Hall of Fame this week, but Gene Simmons is not happy that N.W.A have been inducted, and apparently The Black Keys hate Steve Miller Band (I mean, they're no Steppenwolf, but whatever). Lucky for me, The Black Keys did not tweet about this nonsense, so I can go ahead and avoid it this week. Unfortunately, Gene Simmons and Ice Cube did have a back-and-forth on Twitter, so whatever, let's talk about it.
Gene, for some reason, is hella salty about N.W.A being in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. But honestly, who cares about Gene Simmons unless Chuck Klosterman is writing about him? Ice Cube could've left well enough alone — there was no need for a clapback, least of all one of those annoying "let me type a long response and screenshot it since it's over the Twitter 140-character limit" posts. At any rate, Ice Cube explained himself pretty well, and Gene could've let it all die there. Because, you know, he isn't inducting people into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, so no one actually cares what he thinks. Literally no one at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame gives a damn what Gene Simmons thinks. But he wasn't through!
Jesus Christ, does this non-issue really warrant getting so damn worked up? Does he just have too much free time after A&E canceled Family Jewels?
Should Gene Simmons Delete His Account? Log off, Gene.
Does it ever get exhausting reminding people that you're a heterosexual man who has definitely had sex with Gigi Hadid?
Should Zayn Delete His Account? Enough!