This week might as well be the White People Talking About Black People Edition: Boy George has thoughts on locs, Bernie Sanders is super-sorry about that whole slavery thing, and Sarah Palin wrote an essay about rap music. I'd ask Jesus to fix it, but he's not returning my calls. So here we go.
Before I even address whatever the hell point George Alan O'Dowd was attempting to make in this flagrant-ass tweet, I want to warn Justin Bieber that he might be the victim of a Single White Female type of situation soon. In an attempt for increased (or any, really) relevancy, Boy George has been comparing himself to Bieber as of late. According to Boy George, they went through the same struggles with fame, but… last time I checked, Bieber didn't do prison time for holding a male escort hostage, so (in my best Oprah voice), "What is the truth?"
But, uh, back to the lecture at hand. I want to know where this watercolor geisha gets off having any sort of opinion about cultural appropriation. First of all, no one really gave much of a fuck about Bieber's dreads because they look like trash. Second, if Jimi Hendrix (at least spell his damn name right) wanted locs it would be all the way in his lane because he's BLACK. But if you actually knew a thing about Jimi, you'd know that he never even wore his hair in dreads. Are you thinking about Bob Marley? You know, the one whose music you purloined for your Culture Club jingles? Maybe you oughta stay in your prostitute-abducting lane.
Should Boy George Delete His Account? I really do want to hurt you and make you cry, so yes.
Well, you asked, so here are my thoughts. This was a bad move, sis. You have literally spent your entire career touting yourself as the girl with a few extra pounds, trying to be one of the big girls. I'm not gonna be on the cover of Men's Health anytime soon myself, so I was down with what you were spitting on the mic. But then, Glamour called you plus-size and you were like HOLD UP, WAIT A MINUTE, BITCH I AIN'T FAT.
Not. A. Good. Look. No one was looking at the cover being like, "Oh, no, I feel horribly obese because Amy Schumer was called plus-size." But what they did get was that you wanted to distance yourself from the Monica Geller fat suit you thought Glamour was shoving you into. At the end of the day, it's not that serious. But you made it serious, which says more about you than it does Glamour.
Should Amy Delete Her Account? Nah, I'm in a good mood because I finally watched Trainwreck. It was pretty funny.
Azealia… you are not well. No one can stand Sarah Palin, but we also have better things to do than tweet about her. First of all, reading is fundamental and you should've had the sense to know that the article you were responding to, where Palin said black people "willingly accepted slavery," was a bad version of satire. And you certainly should've had the goddamn sense not to wish GANG RAPE upon her. What is wrong with you? I was on your side when Perez Hilton came for you. I was even on your side when someone at Vice picked a fight with you just for some clicks. But this is like ripping off your wig on Melrose Place–level crazy. I thought your ass quit Twitter? Why does everyone who publicly quits Twitter always end up coming back doing worse shit than they did before?
Should Azealia Delete Her Account? Girl, delete your account, delete your Internet access, find an abandoned G train station, and try to record an album for once instead of a string of mixtapes nobody has time to download.
I don't expect Sarah Palin to know who Azealia Banks is, to be honest, so I don't begrudge her for responding and not just ignoring her like everyone else has learned to. So I was all for a Palin clapback, to be honest. Her brand of word-search ranting could've delivered a hilarious, nonsensical reply to Azealia. And you know what, derisively referring to Azealia as a "female rapper" might very well be the funniest shit Palin has done since she ran for vice president of the United States of America. But then… well, you should've quit while you were ahead, boo. She goes on to say that she wants to delete Azealia's music from her daughter's playlist, because it's probably anti-woman and pro-rape.
Girl, didn't your adult son beat up his girlfriend? You could've stayed on topic and dragged Azealia's silly ass, but then you had to bring rap music into it. Rap didn't make Track Palin punch his girlfriend in the face. I'm positive he's never listened to a single E-40 album in his life. So maybe don't throw stones when we can clearly see your domestic-violence-ass son through the window of your glass house?
Should Sarah Delete Her Account? Yes, I'm not quite sure why she didn't vanish back into the genie lamp John McCain found her in after they lost the election to Obama.
Son, I know you're struggling with the black vote, but this is beyond pandering. I already gave you one chance with your petty tweets, but ENOUGH. Nobody needs your damn apology for slavery. Can we get some reparations up in this bitch? Maybe even Frank Ocean's album? How about you give us something we actually need?
Should Bernie Delete His Account? Yes. Once was enough, but twice is foolish.
Dale Earnhardt Jr.
Fuck slavery, can white people apologize for this shit?
Should Dale Earnardt Jr. Delete His Account?