Drake may have knocked Taylor Swift out of the top spot on the Billboard 200, but don't you worry. The only loser here is anyone and everyone who has not submitted to that insidious force known as the Illuminati.

What am I babbling on about? (The TRUTH, that's what.) Drake's recent climb to #1 for If You're Reading This It's Too Late is just more undeniable proof that the Illuminati controls culture AS WE KNOW IT -- and there's nothing we can do about it. If you're reading this it's too late, indeed. It's almost like Drizzy was trying to tell us something...

So, what proof, exactly, do I have that the big "I" is at work here? Well, chew on this: Drake penned the now-classic song "Hold On, We're Going Home," which grabbed the top spot on Billboard's Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Songs Chart. It ALSO spawned a hot Internet meme, Starbucks Drake Hands, which looks like this.

Take a LONG look at that guy up there. Look familiar? Well, he should, because his arm position is IDENTICAL to that of the iconic Starbucks logo, which is so obviously a nod to the Illuminati that it's laughable.

OK, so what have we learned so far? Drake, hit-making, #1 artist, is affiliated with Starbucks and its supplicants, who are most certainly in league with the Illuminati. OPEN AND SHUT, GUYS!

That brings us to Taylor. You know her hit song "Blank Space," off of her perpetually #1 record, 1989? Of course you do. It's played every hour on the hour on radio stations and at grocery stores across the country -- and it contains that now-famous alleged mondegreen, "All the lonely Starbucks lovers, they'll tell you I'm insane."

Swift would have you believe that the lyric is actually, "Got a long list of ex-lovers, they'll tell you I'm insane," but we're on to you Taylor. We're on to you. Lonely Starbucks lovers? Who could that be a reference to? Could that POSSIBLY be a reference to the man above? The man who is LITERALLY a "Lonely Starbucks Lover"? Right. Got it. It's only the truth.

You, too, are in league with those coffee-swilling mass manipulators -- and if your lyrics didn't seal the deal, you went ahead and gave yourself away by basically reenacting Starbucks Drake Hands (like some kind of not-so-secret handshake) in the video for "Blank Space." Albeit, you executed the move a little lower than Ol' Hands, but, come on, it's basically the same thing. It's so obvious it's almost insulting.

Now here we are, guys. Here we are. Full circle and back again with Drake usurping -- or seemingly usurping -- Swift at the top of a chart that dictates and depicts what we as a people are listening to. What we are dancing to. What we are ineffectually hitting on people to.

Yes, friends, you may THINK the new guard has replaced the old guard, but we're right back where we started from -- Starbucks Hands to Starbucks Lovers and back again.

I'll take my cup of truth black, please -- like the sheep that we have all become. Look into the face of your future and tremble. Tremble.