Joe Biden is the quintessential veep: He has zero vocal impulse control, reportedly grosses out the Secret Service by skinning dipping all the time, and gives awesomely weird back rubs at biker bars. When you read an Onion headline about him, it always feels like it could be real.

But even though approximately 0% of the U.S. population wants him to actually be president in 2016, he seems like a pretty good guy. Not only did he push President Obama to finally support gay marriage, he's also the author of the Violence Against Women Act of 1994.

And he's more than just talk on that latter issue.

At a New York event in Wednesday night, at which the organization Vital Voices honored Biden for "combat[ing] violence against women," he told an incredible tale from his younger days -- back when he was a wee lad who went by "Joey Biden" -- about standing up to jerks who pick on girls:

“I remember coming back from Mass on Sunday. Always the big treat was, we’d stop at the donut shop. ... We’d get donuts, and my dad would wait in the car. As I was coming out, my sister [Valerie] tugged on me and said, ‘That’s the boy who kicked me off my bicycle.’ ... I walked up behind him and smashed his head next to the counter.”

Oh, but that's not all. The bully's dad was none too pleased, but Joey Biden doesn't back down:

"His father grabbed me, and I looked at his son and said, ‘If you ever touch my sister again, I’ll come back here again and I’ll kill your son.'"

The future vice president was scared that his own dad would punish him for the vigilante justice, but Biden Sr. merely "pulled me aside and said, 'Joey, you shouldn’t do that, but I’m proud of you, son.'" Here's video from the Daily Beast:

Naturally, Biden added that his threats were a "euphemism" and "I’m not recommending" beating up bullies. But let this be a lesson to any boy (or man) who'd ever raise a hand against a lady: Someday, her brother might have access to Navy SEALs and weaponized drones.

Or, y'know, she might.