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Taylor Swift Became Bedtime Barbie And Ariana Grande Got All Sporty Spice In Revealing Victoria's Secret Performances

Did you put the kids to bed? Good.

I'm not saying Taylor Swift and Ariana Grande's Victoria's Secret Fashion Show 2014 performances are NSFW -- rarely if ever will you hear either Taylor Swift or Ariana Grande and "NSFW" in the same sentence; given that one walks around with her cat, and the other walks around wearing cat ears, both platinum pop princesses are usually fun for the whole family.

I'm just saying there's a reason the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show starts at 10 p.m., and that's because it was probably best to tuck the kiddies into bed before tuning into Taylor and Ariana gracing the Victoria's Secret stage surrounded by glittery a$$ errywhere, to quote Big Freedia and Ariana's boyfriend, Big Sean.

The Victoria's Secret fashion show did not feature this Taylor Swift:

Nor did it feature or involve Becky.

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Nope.

THIS was Victoria's Secret Taylor Swift in a SEXY NEGLIGEE:

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Like, oh, well, hello. I didn't even see you sitting there. Lemme slip into something more comfortable to sing "Blank Space." Oh wait. I already did.

After an opening frenzy of Bob Seger's "Hollywood Nights" and gold special effects and jiggly lady parts and a hysterical British stage manager yelling "LET'S GO LET'S GO LET'S GO!!!," the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show and all of its sequins and abs and glue and fashion tape welcomed Taylor Swift After Dark. America's sweetheart performed a coquettish, note-perfect version of "Blank Space" dressed like a daydream in the PG-rated pink Bedroom Barbie nightie of your wildest dreams, to simultaneously paraphrase a Taylor Swift song while name-dropping another.

Meanwhile, Ariana Grande did not look like this at the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show:

Nope. In a little mini sparkly bra and winged undies situation (kinda updated Sporty Spice, IMO)...

... and thigh-high boots TO THERE, a sultry, strutting Ariana performed the chorus of her ultra mature hit "Love Me Harder" on a rainbow runway, looking way more adulte than juniors department before a flawless segueway into "Bang Bang" and "Break Free" and "Problem" as models wore things that I think were partially from the '90s, things I didn't fully understand on teeny little stick bodies we'll fully never have. Oh, and of course, that legendary ponytail was as masterful and powerful as always, and the "Problem" dance break and booty slaps were en pointe as was the wink-and-kiss button she casually ended the performance with, like she was dotting an i, except with way better mascara.

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Also I missed Ariana Grande making this incredible face -- a rare expression that could've been the result of her fleetingly thinking about how many bobby pins she's going to have to pull out of her hair that night (been there, sista -- I've found them DAYS later. They somehow multiply like drunk little rabbits.) or realizing she left a load of laundry in the washer and it's been sitting there for days getting all mildewy. (Hate.) Regardless, I didn't see it in the show, but it shall live on forever on the Internet and in our hearts and on the giant pictorial tattoo I'm considering getting on my back.

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Oh, and I should mention that Taylor Swift found herself in a very vixen-like all-black-everything lace situation for "Style," flanked by BFF Karlie Kloss, in what felt like a very "Black Swan" moment for her.

And...

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Any questions?