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Benedict Cumberbatch Describing Sex Is The Dirtiest Thing You'll Read This Week

'I'd know exactly how to please a woman.'

As a quick, safe-mode-off search on Google would quickly let you know, many people have wondered what sex with Benedict Cumberbatch's asexual character Sherlock Holmes would be like. But now, thanks to Cumberbatch himself, we know -- though we're not really sure we want to. Can we go back to the before-time?

In an interview with Elle UK, Cumberbatch described in what can only be called WAY TOO MUCH DETAIL what a session in the sack with him would be like. (Seriously, after reading this I highly suspect that Cumby-batch has been spending his free time reading years' worth of fan fiction.)

"You know I’d get the, I’d probably test the latex, if it involved prophylactics, beforehand," Cumberbatch began.

(Are you sure you want to keep going? You asked for this.)

"I’d do a little experiment to do with durability, length, girth, and um, strength," he continued. "And um, I would probably take a lot of vitamin supplements to make sure that I could perform, and had had my sleep, and probably not had many cigarettes. Or drink, for that matter. Not that he does drink."

Okay, that's a bit strange, but I'll take it. Carry on.

"I would probably watch a lot of porn... I might have to shave, um, areas to fit in with a modern idea of bodily hair," Cumberbatch added.

(FYI, that's French for "Doctor Strange is really hairy down there.")

"And then I would be devastating," he said. "I'd know exactly how to please a woman, I'd know exactly where to put my fingers, where to put my tongue, where to put my -- his, I should say -- his fingers, his tongue. Think about violinists, think about what they can do with their fingers."

They can... play the violin with them? Sorry, not really sure what you're getting at here, Cumberbatch. Please explain.

"I'd know exactly how to get that person into it, and get pleasure out of making that person feel pleasure to the point that I probably wouldn’t even have to enter... But when I did it would be explosive," he concluded.

You're welcome for the soft-core porn.