It’s no secret that “Game of Thrones” has a lot (a LOT!) of sexytimes in it, from the bearskin romance of Jon and Ygritte, to the brothel orgies of Oberyn Martell, to the, er, brotherly love of the Lannister twins.
But we’re not here to talk about that! We’re here to talk about all the unintentionally steamy moments that have happened in Westeros so far this year, in which some totally pedestrian scene which was definitely not supposed to be full of sex vibes was nevertheless full of sex vibes anyway. Because let’s be honest: we can’t be the only gutter-minded viewers who noticed the erotic undertones…
When Bronn tore off Jaime Lannister’s golden hand – and then slapped him with it.
Suddenly, a surprise S&M spin-off romance in which Bronn teaches Jaime about how to use his other hand for a very different sort of swordplay seemed not just possible, but desirable.
When Gilly cooked Samwell’s goose.
Raise your hand if you thought this scene should end with the two having frantic sex atop a half-feathered goose carcass.
Every time Bran went warging.
Nothing suggestive about this face, right, you guys? Nothing suggestive at all!
When Brienne needed help unfastening her armor.
It’s not that we want to see Brienne and Podrick having the world’s most awkward junior high school makeout moment right then. It’s that the show wanted us to want it. Stop manipulating us, show.
When Hot Pie was talkin’ hot pie.
After hearing the raw, unadulterated passion with which this dude talks about kidney pies, we would not be surprised to find out that he was also secretly married to one.
When Olenna Tyrell spilled the beans about her lusty past.
We’re pretty sure we weren’t suppposed to pause this scene and immediately begin writing a massively explicit fanfic in which Olenna comes out of retirement to seduce every man in King’s Landing… which, uh, of course we didn’t. Nothing! Nevermind!
When Petyr Baelish crushed Sansa’s amethyst.
“Oh yeah, I crushed her amethyst,” Petyr will boast, grinning, as he plays poker with his pals that night. “I crushed her amethyst hard, brah.”
When Margaery visited Tommen’s bedroom.
Relieved as we were that Margaery didn’t seduce a 13 year-old boy, the naughty vibes coming off the would-be queen were so strong that even Ser Pounce was like, “NOPE.”
When Mark Gatiss made an appearance in Braavos.
His mouth says, “Here our books are filled with numbers,” but his eyes say, “Denying you a loan right now is giving me such a power boner.”
When Oberyn Martell did anything, ever.
Making threats, asking questions, reading aloud from his grocery shopping list — no matter how innocuous the context, everything the Red Viper does looks like a naughty proposition.
When we all realized that Peter Dinklage is totally going to win another Emmy.
The frisson of erotic excitement that went through your body at this moment? Everyone in the world frissoned right along with you. Such is the raw, fierce power of the Dinklage.
Which unintentionally hot “Game of Thrones” moments did we miss? Let us know in the comments.