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Don’t Let The Trump Shake The Hand!

Watching someone who works hard not to learn anything try to learn one of the most basic human interactions

There are a few things Donald Trump wishes you would remember about him. First, he was the most impressive Electoral College winner in history. Also, he is the only person to ever build an ice rink.

Lastly, the man abhors hands: small ones, large ones, ones that just excavated large or small nostrils, hands that could have been anywhere before being placed in front of his person, eager for a shake.

"Some business executives believe in a firm handshake," his ghostwriter opined in Trump: How to Get Rich. "I believe in no handshake. It is a terrible practice." He endeavors to hang out with people who don't even deserve to touch his fingers, he noted in The Art of the Deal, surely the only New York Times best-selling book written by a person who built an ice rink. "While there are certainly honorable people in the real estate business, I was more accustomed to the sort of people with whom you don't want to waste the effort of a handshake because you know it's meaningless." His aversion to handshakes is chronicled in several business self-help books, from How to Interview Like a Pro: Forty-Three Rules for Getting Your Next Job to Brainfluence: 100 Ways to Persuade and Convince Consumers with Neuromarketing.

He even blogged about his fear of grubby digits. "I think that the only thing better than a good handshake," he wrote, "is no handshake at all."

Trump's most operatic hatchet job against the handshake appeared in an interview with the New York Times in 1999: "I think shaking hands is barbaric, especially in our crazy modern-day age."

He is not alone, according to the front page of the September 18, 1909 issue of the Ogden Standard, which noted that President Taft "Dislikes Handshaking." However, shaking hands is an indelible part of the president's job, as Teddy Roosevelt, who once claimed the world record for shaking the most hands in a single day (8,513), knew well. And so Trump has had to learn how to do something he hates, besides pretending to absorb new information that does not pertain to himself and not sleeping in a tower.

It has been a long process. Below, find a brief walkthrough of some of the attempts Donald Trump has made in the world of competitive handshaking.

Pretend that you are waving a magic wand, but instead it’s a hand. Everyone will know that you are the all-powerful person wielding their influence.

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Pretend like your opponent's hand is the last slice of pie, and you must grab it before anyone else gets to it.

A handshake is when you grasp someone's hand and hold it to your heart.

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A handshake is when you let someone else grasp your hand and hold it near to his heart.

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Pretend that you are Ernest Shackleton, about to take your last breath and thinking about the icy depths of hell from which you escaped, only to perish now.

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It also might be when you grab someone's hand and act like you are a hand model appraiser.

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Yes, just like that.

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Now wrap it up.

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A handshake is when you turn to the person next to you, grab their hand, and then you both make a face meant to convey the question, "Did we lock the front door before we left?"

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Or maybe a handshake is when you hold a hand like it's a five-pound weight that you lift up and down to work your biceps.

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A handshake is when you act like you want to kiss the hand, but you refuse to look at it.

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But maybe try looking more awkward?

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Maybe it will look more like a handshake if you pretend the hand is a Juicero bag. You're really thirsty, so you have to squeeze it exceptionally hard. You are human Bluetooth.

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A handshake is when you pretend your hand is a plate with banana bread on it, but the person you offer it to doesn't want any because it's not gluten-free.

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A handshake is when you grab someone's hand as they're hanging from the ceiling.

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Hmm, how about trying to put someone's hand in your pocket. Yes, just like that.

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Someone please write Trump a memo with lots of pictures that shows how to shake hands.