Gigi and Bella Hadid have built a painstakingly constructed family brand centered on the idea that they are look-alike sister-models who do not care that the other is also a model in an industry that treats female bodies like commodities and thrives on pitting women against one another, they're just so supportive of each other's modeling, everything is fine, it's fine, haha. However, a recent people.com piece on the two, which masquerades as benign filler content, suggests something far more sinister: the distinct possibility that Gigi and Bella Hadid both regularly rob one another and fucking hate each other, and neither will rest until her sister wills the arrival of her own death from within the rubber walls of a mental institution.

People's Jillian Ruffo kicks off the piece with this grim headline: "Bella Hadid Accuses Gigi of Stealing from Her Closet, But Gigi Says She 'Wouldn't Take Her Things.'" Ruffo then pulls from recent Hadid sister interviews with Elle and People Style to make her startling point, which is that Bella and Gigi have given starkly conflicting — and extremely passive-aggressive — accounts of their relationship to each other's closets.

Bella, the younger and more visually aggressive Hadid, "claims that Gigi is a repeat offender" who "never tells me she’s taking anything." She elaborates: "I show up at her apartment and there’s, like, a random t-shirt or a hoodie or something lying around, and it’s mine. And Gigi did not ask me if she could take it! She’s sneaking off with my stuff."

To be clear, Bella Hadid is accusing Gigi Hadid of multiple instances of grand larceny.

Gigi, meanwhile, maintains that it is, in fact, Bella who "steals from my closet. That’s how she is." She staunchly defends her own innocence: "I just wouldn’t go to her house and take her things."

At the end of the piece, Ruffo attempts to quell any notions of familial infighting and felonious conduct that she herself has just coyly suggested: "Of course," she writes, "the two do share clothes cordially on a regular basis." Of course. Cordially. Regularly. Just regular cordial clothes-sharing — nothing to see here.

But the kicker quote from Gigi suggests the opposite of sororal cordiality, in that it is colder than a bikini-clad Hadid doing an Ice Bucket Challenge: "We share clothes, but if you gave Bella and I the same piece we would style it completely different, which is fun," says Gigi, calmly issuing the most stunning burn I've ever read. "We have very different personal styles. She has a lot more energy for making a look every day, which I kind of just wake up and wear what I feel like wearing, where Bella has a lot more motivation to make it a thing. Make it an outfit."

To be clear, Gigi is accusing Bella of being both a hardened criminal and a Try-Hard.

The questions that Lady Problems will aim to answer in today's column: Which Hadid, if any, is stealing clothes from the other? And: Are Gigi and Bella a modern-day Olivia de Havilland and Joan Fontaine, as People would have us believe, or truly the Elite Daily inspo they purport to be?

The Evidence:

Exhibit A: Gigi Hadid has always had blonde hair, which, on our twisted white-supremacist planet, means she has a sort of safe, Betty Cooper appeal that endears her to men, women, children, pop stars, and, should it come to this, grand juries. In a recent interview with Allure, Bella explains that she dyed her own hair brown in order to stand apart from her girl-next-door sibling. She also incidentally implicates herself by propagating the oppressive idea that blondeness signifies purity and brown hair signifies a tangential relationship to Satan. "I just have a darker personality," said Bella, perhaps obliquely referring to her penchant for thievery. "And my sister being blonde and me being brunette, it's a good separation."

In Bella’s defense: "Blondes are so angelic," adds Bella. "My sister can get away with anything." Including … grand larceny??????

In Gigi’s defense: Bella claims to have dyed her hair to match her dark soul.

Do they hate each other? Gigi has since dyed her hair brown.

Exhibit B: In the same Elle interview mined so deeply by People, Bella is asked if her style has changed at all since moving from California to New York. She does not address this question, but rather pivots instantly to Gigi. "I'm a little different than [Gigi] because ever since I was 14, I always wanted to wear black jeans and leather jackets," says Bella.

In Bella’s defense: She has been different than Gigi since she was 14. Also, she explains later in the interview that she joined the travel ban protests last month because "we shouldn't treat people as if they don't deserve kindness just because of their ethnicities. It's just not right. And that message — to be compassionate whenever possible — that's so important to me." It is not compassionate to blindly rob your family.

In Gigi’s defense: Bella tells Elle, "I literally just took a pair of striped Vans from Gigi." This is nothing less than an admission of guilt.

Do they hate each other? "We have the same shoe size, which is insane, I know," adds Bella. "Insane" is a hateful invective.

Exhibit C: As PopSugar reports, Bella wore a black Nike crop top in May 2016 in Paris. Gigi stepped out in a black crop top in September. Did Gigi steal Bella's black Nike crop top, turn it inside out, and step out in it, asks PopSugar? Did Bella steal Gigi's plain black crop top, turn it inside out, and write Nike on it, asks me? If a black Nike crop top is turned inside out, is it still a Nike crop top, or has capitalism been defeated?

In Bella’s defense: She wore it first.

In Gigi’s defense: There are a lot of black crop tops.

Do they hate each other? Nike is the goddess of victory. Victory means only one person won something. By wearing a Nike crop top, Bella is implying that she won something. If she won, it means Gigi lost. Wow.

Exhibit D: In her Vogue U.K. cover story, Gigi repeats her claim that Bella is a cat burglar. When asked if her sister "raids her closet," a terrifying phrase that has become playful in our morally bankrupt society, she replies, "Oh, that was like my entire life. Now we don't even live together and she still does [raid my closet]. I don't take anything when I go to her house but she manages to be like, 'I came here in gym clothes and now we're going to dinner and I need …' Bella, bring back my belt!"

In Bella’s defense: Gigi enabled Bella by allowing this sort of behavior to go on for "like my entire life." How can she be expected to adjust her crooked behavior after two decades of neutral-to-positive reinforcement for her closet heists?

In Gigi’s defense: She asked Bella to bring back the belt.

Do they hate each other? When "someone is mean to Bella," Gigi tells Vogue U.K., "it's like the end of your life pretty much." She shared a dramatic story about a time when she nearly smashed a camera in her sister's name: "Backstage at a show in Paris, for some reason they let photographers take pictures while girls were changing, which just pisses me off. My sister's changing next to me and I was like, 'If you don't put that camera away and stop shooting my sister, I'm going to come over there, I'm going to take that camera and throw it on the floor.'" Gigi doesn't want Bella to be photographed!!!!!!

Exhibit E:

In Bella’s defense: If one woman houses quarter pounders for breakfast, and another woman finds that habit remarkable enough to tweet about, they likely do not wear the same clothing size. It is unlikely, then, that Bella stole Gigi's belt.

In Gigi’s defense: McDonald's is good.

Do they hate each other?

Exhibit F: This week, Bella posted a video of Gigi appearing to mock Asian eyes at her own birthday dinner. The internet was mad.

In Bella’s defense: Gigi called her a Try-Hard.

In Gigi’s defense: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Surprise witness: Yolanda Foster

Do they hate each other? Bella seems to hate Gigi, and Yolanda definitely hates all of us. Yolanda also just wants everyone to be honest. (This includes you, Gigi and Bella, vis-à-vis your shameless belt-poaching.)

The Ruling:

Bella Hadid is guilty on one count of petty theft (Vans) and one count of burglary in the second degree (unlawfully breaking and entering into or remaining in any building or structure with the intent to steal Gigi's belt).

Gigi Hadid is guilty of obstruction of justice (blonde hair), burglary in the first degree (a random t-shirt or hoodie or something).

Both are guilty of slander and free-market fundamentalism.

I can't tell if they hate each other. Which is fun.