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The Best Quotes From The Minutes Of Donald Trump’s Inauguration Music Brainstorm

Featuring President-Elect Donald Trump, Kellyanne Conway, Mitt Romney, Rudy Giuliani, Chris Christie, and Vice-President-elect Mike Pence

Which musical acts will the incoming Trump administration book for the Inaugural Ball next month? When MTV News inquired, his transition team (in the form of a surprisingly responsive Twitter egg called @OfficialRealTeensForPepe69) speedily complied, sending over a 472-page transcript from a recent Inauguration Music Brainstorm. The probably real, no-way-fake text is illuminating, because it reveals an administration under duress, riffing on how they might quickly recover from the Elton John debacle. Names were redacted from the quotes, but the transparency still helps us appreciate the sort of minds that will soon be in charge of the most important matters of state.

“OK, picture this: Billy Bush as emcee. Triumphant return to the public eye. The people love him. They’re going wild. Huge standing ovations.”

“I’m pretty sure Green Day wants in.”

“Ariana Grande. Faith Hill. Aretha Franklin. Performing just to me, inside the White House. And everybody outside just gets to watch it on a giant TV. Ryan Seacrest is outside emceeing. It’s cold out there. We won’t let him in. $250 per person to get into the lawn. Slot machines everywhere. A$AP Rocky performs outside, too. Warms up the crowd. He doesn’t get to come in, either.”

“Lady Gaga would do this. Very creative. Inventive. She did a whole tour where she dressed up as Tony Bennett. Duets. I don’t know how they pulled it off.”

“Could I forgive Jay Z and Beyoncé onstage? Could we have them perform? Then I come out. They look sheepish. They apologize to me. Big, very big apology. Very important they do this. Everyone cheers. Then I grab the mic and look out into crowd and say, ‘I’ll think about it.’”

“I want to make t-shirts with my face on them that say: ‘Mike Drop.’ Get it? I can be just as rock and roll as anyone. Maybe they should say, ‘Mike Pence Drop’ so there’s no confusion. Does that ruin it? Am I bad at this? Doggone it.”

“The Osmonds. I can deliver them. I can proudly deliver them to you, sir.”

“What’s a good concert food? Spaghetti? Canned spaghetti, right? Smaller noodles? Soup? It’s important we nail this. I can get 10,000 recently expired turkey-and-American-cheese wraps from a Philadelphia hospital. Donated. Those will go for $10 each.”

“Just $10?”

“$40.”

“I can get a grill with your face on it. And then sun-dried tomato wraps with nothing on them but your face burned into it.”

“What about Elvis? Can we get him? Can we find him? I’m reading things, very credible things, that say he’s alive and actually that he committed some very serious voter fraud. Very big. But we can forgive him. Let’s announce a reward to help find Elvis by January 20. $100,000 reward. Who underwrites that? Buffalo Wild Wings? Some kind of children’s charity?”

“I can definitively say there will be a Frank Ocean pop-up on the South Lawn. Put it in stone. A new album, too. No one has heard it. He begged me to listen. I said, ‘Frank, Frank, I’m sure it’s very good, Frank, but I want to be surprised.’”

“Could we have multiple stages? Are they sponsored? The Chef Boyardee Stage: 3 p.m., Kellie Pickler. Is she too huge now? Would we ever get her? And Chef Boyardee, if they don’t want to sponsor, does the FDA raid a factory all of a sudden, and find Band-Aids in their food? Fingernails? Dirty ones. DNA-tested. Traced back to ISIS.”

“Jared has an in with The Chainsmokers. And by an in, I mean he started the group. Writes most of those songs. ‘Baby, pull me closer, backseat of your Rover’? That’s Jared.”

“The Penthouse Magazine Stage. The Godiva Chocolate Stage. The ShamWow Stage.”

“Does ‘Weird Al’ Yankovic ever do serious songs?”

“Is there an Official Inaugural Mug? A 1-800 number can come up on-screen. People watching at home can order this. They’re going to be drinking, anyway. Looks ceramic, is plastic.”

“If you’re watching at home, do you automatically get signed up for our Presidential Mug of the Month Club? Like, you’re locked in? $29.99 a month, no choice, mug after mug after mug delivered to your doorstep? Basically have to go to court to get out of it?”

“I can get Bruce Springsteen.”

“Bruce hates you.”

“I can have state troopers surround his house. Block off his driveway, just like that. I’m calling them now. Watch me.”

“Would bands pay us to audition for the gig? A $5,000 entry fee to be part of a televised battle of the bands. America decides. We push the inauguration back until summer. Many, many episodes. I think we should hit pause on everything except this idea.”

“Could it just be ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’ over and over again? Why or why not? Taped version? Super cheap. We have shit to do. Can’t be wasting time on this.”

“Is there an official mozzarella stick of the inauguration?”

“Do I have to be there? Do I need to be there? Could I be on a video monitor onstage? Next to the musicians? Just bobbing my head closed-circuit from Trump Tower? Smiling and taking it all in? Could we film that now?”