Last week, the greatest news and mental picture in Canadian pop history came to light when it was reported that following the OVO Fest, (my best friend) Drake took Rihanna on a date to Ripley’s Aquarium in Toronto.
The two reportedly had dinner, then spent the whole night looking at fish, sending our imaginations into a tailspin thinking of all the chill aquarium photos they probably took (which will still never compare to this one, I’m sorry). But most importantly: The tale of their date inspired my favorite kind of fan fiction, in which Aubrey uses a week of wild Canadian adventures to woo Rihanna, because of course that’s exactly how romance between two successful adults works.
Since we’re all friends here (but especially me and Drizzy), here are the other Canadian landmarks I’d like to see him invite Rihanna to in an attempt to win her heart. All I ask is that if you see him at any of the following locations, you alert me immediately so I can begin writing my wedding speech. Unless Aubrey wants me to officiate, duh.
Niagara Falls, Ontario
Think about it: the raging waterscape, the inevitable argument that the Canadian falls eclipse the American side tenfold, the walk up Clifton Hill only to realize it’s actually just a street full of wax museums (populated exclusively by waxworks that look truly damned).
It would be magical. The two would laugh, they’d Instagram, and then they’d inevitably get tuckered out and super curt with each other after realizing they’ve been walking around all day and, despite the fact that it’s gotten dark outside, it’s somehow even hotter out. Seriously, how is there no wind in Niagara anywhere except right by the falls? I mean, sure, they could go to the casinos for some AC, but that’s a whole other ordeal because now that’s where everybody is. So, what, should they just leave? OK. Ugh, why did they park so far away? Wait, next to which wax museum? Aubrey, there are, like, 42. Jesus Christ, it’s so hot out — was it this hot out all day?
The Big Nickel
Come for the nickel mines, stay for the photo ops near the Big Nickel! Also, stay because it takes about four hours to get to Sudbury from Toronto in the first place, so you might as well grab a bite to eat and wander around the mall a bit to stretch your legs. Is Science North open? Because that’s a fast way of justifying a four-hour trek to see an oversize coin. Which I swear looked way bigger in other people’s photos? Well, you’re here now, you guys. Might as well get into it.
Vancouver, British Columbia
Imagine the gondola ride, the mountains, the majesty of the expansive West Coast landscape. Drake would make several dozen #VIEWS jokes, and Rihanna would laugh politely until his 14th, when she’d say, “Yeah, I heard you, babe.” Drake, a true Scorpio, would then spend the rest of the gondola ride in silence, which Rihanna would roll her eyes at because, compared to seeing such a great perspective of Vancouver, Aubrey’s tantrum would be nothing.
Fortunately, by the time the ride was over, they’d both be so consumed with wondering what they should do next that they’d forget the part of the journey where he tried to spend 15 minutes placing a tiny sitting Drake over the gondola “for Instagram,” leaving them free to wander to the nearby family restaurant. There, they would not order the chicken fingers, because that’s how I got food poisoning back in 2008. So, because they’re my best friends, Drake and Rihanna would spend the entirety of their visit demanding to see the cleanliness of the kitchen and forcing each and every cook to apologize to me on the phone for the trauma I was subjected to on that fateful summer night eight years back.
The Calgary Stampede
I haven’t been here, nor will I ever go here, but I just want everyone to think about Drake and Rihanna wearing cowboy hats while watching thousands of other people wearing cowboy hats. “Why are we doing this?” Rihanna would ask him. “Because I’m Canadian,” Drake would answer. A pause. “And because Anne told us to.” She nods.
You guys into river tours? Well, look, too bad, because the Assiniboine and Red River cross paths in Winnipeg (like forks), and if you can’t appreciate this up close and personal via charming boat tour, then why am I even making this list of Canadian tourist attractions for you to visit? Exactly.
So here’s how it goes: The only couple that matters wait for a sunny day, spend a few minutes at the nearby market for hot and/or fresh cinnamon buns (which I had once), and then hop into a tiny boat where they are treated to the vast history of Winnipeg and its riverfront.
And I mean, that’s about it. But after the Stampede, they deserve a break, you know?
I know I’m really favoring Toronto but I obviously don’t have a choice because that’s where our best friend Aubrey lives sometimes. So let’s throw the CNE into the mix.
Every August, the Canadian National Exhibition welcomes a wide variety of vendors and food outlets and animals (for real: they have sheep) and, most importantly, a shit-ton of carnival attractions. Ultimately, this is Drake and Rihanna’s chance to reenact Beyonce’s “XO” video, which is the goal of every living person on this planet, naturally. And now, via this date suggestion, I have set up the perfect opportunity for this to happen for you. Because I think about other people, but especially you, person reading this.
Or they could go to an actual amusement park and try not to pass out due to the mix of crowds, roller coasters, and complete lack of shade. (Seriously, this place feels like a large parking lot populated by structures that somehow create more sun and heat.)
“Why are you crying?” Rihanna would ask him. “Because I’m afraid,” Drake would answer. Rihanna, with love in her eyes, would pause. “Babe,” she’d respond, “these are just the public bathrooms.” But he knows. And the tears don’t stop.
The Parliament Buildings
It’s not a Canadian date tour without standing oddly next to very old and beautiful government buildings for photos and trying not to get into anybody else’s shot while simultaneously trying to avoid everybody else getting into yours. However, any awkwardness would be immediately melted away by the presence of Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, who, according to the internet, is often spotted running shirtless around my fair nation.
Which would just make Aubrey and Rihanna’s date even better, clearly.
The Ottawa Jail Hostel
This is me suggesting this place because I stayed here once and was sure I heard ghosts. (It is allegedly haunted, and also a terrifying place to be in general.) Thus I imagine this: Out of breath after trying to escape Shirtless Trudeau™, Drake and Rihanna retire to what they think will be a “cute” place to stay. But instead, after insisting they take the ghost tour, Drake keeps Rihanna awake all night with a paranoid “What was that?” following any sound, indoor or out.
Finally, at 6 a.m., Rihanna gets up. “That’s it,” she says. “Let’s go.” The two pack up in silence while Drake says, “I swear I heard something.” She nods but can’t hide her annoyance. Doesn’t he know she’s an all-powerful being? As if ghosts would dare interrupt her night.
Honestly, they just have some really great sandwiches.