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The Republican Convention Is Going Just Fine ... Oh Wait, Everyone Is Yelling

The future of the party rests on whether delegates can yell ‘We love Trump’ or ‘Shame’ louder

The RNC house band's renditions of “My Sharona” and “How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You)” must have amped up the #NeverTrump delegates more than anticipated, based on what just went down in Cleveland.

The anti-Trump Republicans — at least those who showed up, instead of spending four days finding lawns to mow — have fought many battles to try to get the will of primary voters overturned. They have lost every single one. Monday was their last chance at an appeal, and their only weapons left were parliamentary procedure and logic — perhaps the most useless tools to face off against a man who proved every preconceived notion about the 2016 election wrong and took all facts hostage and tried to replace them with gold-plated unicorns, hoping no one would notice.

#NeverTrump knew it would be nearly impossible to keep Trump off the ticket, but they at least wanted to have their discomfort with reality noted, much like the voters who will eventually cast ballots for “None of These Candidates” in Nevada in November. Which is why the convention floor erupted when Arkansas Representative Steve Womack called for a voice vote on the rules governing the nomination process. A roll of anti-Trump nays waved over the crowd, begging Womack to call for a roll-call vote that would allow them to advance a change that would unbind the delegates forced to vote for Trump.

Womack said that the ayes have it; it was unclear whether that was because he is part bat and could discern which group was louder, or that party leadership was terrified of what would happen if a roll-call vote took place.

That was when the arena, which looks like “a giant toilet” or “something straight from the Hunger Games,” burst into mayhem.

Virginia delegate and former gubernatorial candidate Ken Cuccinelli, who seemed determined to give the GOP rules in question a transvaginal ultrasound, started shaking his credential toward the stage and yelling "SHAME! SHAME!" making clear that he thought that the giant toilet stage instead looked like an Iron Throne waiting to be seized. He eventually just tossed his credential on the floor.

Utah's delegates were also shouting a three-syllable chant — either “Roll Call Vote” or “Rufio,” whichever makes more sense in context — led by Senator Mike Lee, who, like Cuccinelli, is a Ted Cruz supporter. Trump fans started shouting the name of their candidate to try to bring Trumpian order to the room by making things more chaotic.

The stage was empty. In a rare moment in which the party's voice could speak en masse, the only thing it could agree on was that it had no idea what was going on.

Womack returned, and called another vote. At that point, Colorado — an important swing state — and Iowa's delegations had already walked out.

Nine states had originally asked for a roll-call vote, but three withdrew their request. A majority of delegates in at least seven states were needed to ask for a roll-call vote of all 2,472 delegates to happen. In the background, cheers of "USA!" and "We love Trump!" rippled.

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In the second voice vote on the same issue, it sounded like Newt Gingrich — self-described would-be pirate vice-president — had returned to restore order, as the “Aye” went on for a good minute, sounding like it had been bellowed across the sea and was echoing for many leagues. The ayes were declared victorious once again.

Cuccinelli called the result “disgusting.” Former New Hampshire Senator Gordon Humphrey told MSNBC that Trump loyalists were “brownshirts.”

People on the floor, perhaps growing bored now that the madness was starting to simmer down, shouted "We want Trump!" Instead, they got Wyoming Senator John Barrasso, who was tasked with distracting the masses primed to be angry by the past year of campaigning. Instead of shouting “Fire!” or “There's pie outside!” or “We resurrected Ronald Reagan and he is going to be playing with the band this evening,” he instead tried to ask a question he assumed that no one in the room could object to: “Who's proud to be an American?”

It was then time for the official convention photo, which was taken without the Trump objectors who had vacated the premises. Shortly after, CNN posted the chyron/metaphor, “Trump Motorcade Involved in Accident; Trump Not Injured.”

There are only three days to go until “Make America One Again” Day at the convention.