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From The Desk Of Jeb! Bush: Dear Donald

Let me help you with that

Dear Donald:

My condolences on the passing of your primary campaign! With Corey gone, I think we can at last acknowledge that this phase of your fake presidential run is over. I'm really sorry it worked out as well as it did.

This must be a tough time for you: You know and I know that you never wanted things to get this far! All I wanted was to get Pops off my back, all you wanted was orgasmic levels of attention. Neither of us wanted the responsibility of being president. Now? Gone is all the hope and promise that came with the idea of walking petulantly away from the GOP once it pulled its shit together. I know you didn't like the idea of losing to that peckerwood Ted, but even I can understand the springboard that would have been for TrumpTV.

Your fans would want nothing to do with the traitorous GOP mouthpiece Fox News and the rest of the world would tune in for live coverage of your unhinged responses to whatever boilerplate campaign bullshit both Cruz and Clinton would be putting out. You and Alex Jones would have fodder for a thousand hours of conspiracy theories — I understand "A Thousand Hours of Conspiracy Theories" was the working title of his show? Or was that the log line? Either way, I was really looking forward to "Nothing Too Hard With Mika Brzezinski." (At least someone is still workshopping "Mark Halperin's Fantasy Island.")

As the campaign shifts into the general election phase, it may seem like it's going to be even easier to lose, but take it from a Bush -- losing is harder than it looks. Sometimes not even getting fewer votes will do it!

I must also commend you on the preemptive moves to stop the RNC from coming in and constructing a campaign designed to end at the White House. Though, who knows, they may turn out to be allies in this whole elaborate sweeps-week-stunt idea! Between Paul Ryan calling you a racist and politicians literally running away from questions about you, it's starting to look like maybe they don't want you to be president even more than you don't want to be president! Still, better safe than sworn-in, amirite?

You're on the right track with refusing to do donor calls, refusing to air even a token number of ads, and refusing to loan more of your own money to beef up your skeletal roster. I read that you have 30 staffers on the ground nationwide! Hillary has 30 staffers in each state just to develop "dank memes"! Now, imho, going to Scotland the week of the Brexit vote is a little too subtle for some American voters, but it's a defiant waste of already slim resources and so I doff my tam o'shanter to you, sir! Ha ha!

When I think about it, the place where you and I really differ on trying-not-to-look-like-you're-not-trying approaches is, I guess, tone? I went with a pathetic, hangdog attitude topped off with a soupçon of why-me-ism. You've gone heavy on defensiveness and entitlement, but embroidering everything with unearned self-congratulations is what's really making the whole thing work — well, not work (WINK). Almost everyone predicted you'd get a bump from any terrorist activity on American soil, but you giving yourself credit for "predicting" Orlando was a level of monstrousness I hadn't seen before — and my brother is George Bush!

To an untrained eye, your rickety campaign is a political tire fire — smoldering, stinky, going on for longer than anyone could have predicted. But where others see unearned longevity, I see the smoke. I know you're trying to put it out, it's just a matter of not extinguishing it too early. Good luck (oh, you know what I mean), buddy. Let me know if I can piss on that for you.