When MTV debuted The Hills on May 31, 2006 — 10 years ago today — I somehow missed the memo that anyone and everyone was watching this show. I never watched Laguna Beach, either. In other words, I figuratively lived under a rock, and am now frantically trying to make up for lost time.
To honor this momentous anniversary, I decided to take my first-ever trip to The Hills and watch the pilot, "New City, New Drama." By the end of the episode, my limited knowledge of Lauren Conrad and her glamorous life in Los Angeles left me with more questions than answers.
Here's a breakdown of what's left me puzzled. Die-hard Hills fans, I apologize in advance for my cluelessness.
Isn't NYC also a city of dreams?MTV
LC opens the episode with an ambitious statement: "This is my chance to make it all happen in the one city where they say dreams come true." I know Hollywood is a dreamy place, but what about the Big Apple? For East Coasters, Manhattan is the real dream.
Isn't this song from The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants?Warner Bros.
In my Hills-deprived mind, Natasha Bedingfield's "Unwritten" is forever associated with Bridget Vreeland (Blake Lively) from The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. The song plays as she runs down the beach to flirt with her crush and sexy soccer coach, Eric Richman (Mike Vogel).
"Unwritten" may be iconic for The Hills, but that show debuted in 2006. Sisterhood came out one year earlier, in 2005. Just sayin'.
Why are the opening credits so long?MTV
Seriously, this is venturing into Game of Thrones intro territory.
How much is Lauren and Heidi's rent?MTV
Roomies LC and Heidi Montag may be 19-year-old college students, but there's no need for twin XL beds here. Their apartment is SICK. Look at all that space! Their bedrooms are bigger than closets! They even have a spiral staircase, which makes the place look extra grown-up. What luxuries.
Is this how ironing clothes with a straightener became a thing?MTV
I've been using this trick for years, but I don't remember who taught me it. Did LC invent this ingenious life hack? Maybe it became mainstream knowledge after she did it on TV.
Why does Heidi love parties so much?MTV
Heidi is maybe a little too honest during her interview with Susan Aronson, the Director of Admissions at Fashion Institute of Design & Merchandising. When asked about her life in high school, Heidi says, "I never learned anything. I never went to school, I never did anything, I just, like, went shopping and hung out, going out, so."
Sooo yeah, Aronson was less than impressed. But Heidi is confident her skills prepare her for a career in public relations.
What exactly is the Teen Vogue look?MTV
During their first day on the job, interns LC and Whitney Port need to change up their outfits before meeting with Lisa Love, the West Coast Director of Vogue and Teen Vogue.
Fashion stylist Olivia helps them make their look "more Teen Vogue" because they "always want to look [their] best for Lisa." Whitney's dress is "too matchy-matchy," so Olivia gives her a new belt. Meanwhile, LC puts on an Olivia-approved jacket.
Does glue poisoning actually happen?MTV
While preparing invites for a Teen Vogue party, LC jokes to Whitney about getting glue poisoning from licking too many envelopes.
I googled it, because I needed answers. Turns out licking paper isn't the most sanitary thing, but it probably won't kill you. Lick away, friends.
How did Heidi know where the party was?MTV
Heidi, Audrina Patridge, and two boys whose names I already forget show up to the swanky Teen Vogue soirée uninvited -- but there's no explanation for how she got the address. Then they have the audacity to ask LC to break them in. LC, being a good friend, agrees even though it puts her internship at risk.
Whitney, why are you putting your ass on the line for people you don’t even know?MTV
Whitney's working the door at the party, so LC asks her to let Heidi and company in. From my understanding, Whitney doesn't know any of these people, but she lets them in anyway — putting HER internship at risk. There's a lot of unnecessary risk-taking happening here, in my opinion.
Who is this guy flirting with Heidi?MTV
Heidi's boyfriend, Jordan, is not happy: "Next time, I’m beating his ass."
Is Lauren going to be fired?MTV
LC gets busted for letting her friends in, and the episode ends with her boss saying, "I’ll talk to you about it on Monday." Uh-oh. Consider me hooked. I guess I'll have to watch Episode 2 to find out what happens next.
Fortunately, I have a solid two months to binge-watch all six seasons of The Hills before LC returns to MTV for an anniversary special August 2. Challenge accepted!