Once, we were all 7 years old. (If not, please email me right now.) So it's no surprise that Lukas Graham — which, confusingly, is a Danish pop band and not just some dude named Lukas — has scored an international smash hit with a song on this universal theme. "7 Years" is an overwrought ballad about growing up that’s vaguely emotional and painfully earnest. What’s not to love? Those factors also make it perfectly suited to be remixed to hell and back, so before this Memorial Day weekend, we listened to seven remixes of this worldwide bop. They're not necessarily the best remixes, but they're the ones that best captured — and/or wholly missed — remembering what it was like to be 7 years old.
"7 Years (Night Moves Club Mix)," The-boars Head Tonyrefail
How Many Years Old? This remix is 18 years old. Ready for the weekend, unsure how it's going to get alcohol, but that won’t stop it from having a good time. The obvious '90s house synths don't really go with the original ballad’s mood, but who fucking cares? Clearly not "The-boars Head Tonyrefail." This is probably best heard on a late-night pop radio mix, when you have the option of dancing in the car instead of embarrassing yourself on the dance floor.
"Nightcore — 7 Years," Nightcore Freak
How Many Years Old? This "remix" is 10 years old. SoundCloud user Nightcore Freak usually just uploads nightcore songs, so it seemed reasonable to expect that this version of "7 Years" would be some sort of weird-ass hyperspeed nightcore re-creation. Nah, this is just the normal fucking song by Lukas Graham. This is plagiarism — but, luckily, cheating in elementary school won’t set back one’s academic career. Even so, please don’t ever do this again, Nightcore Freak.
"7 Years (Chillstep Remix)," Lundstrom
How Many Years Old? This remix is 59 years old. After a long day at the office, this remix by Lundstrom still needs to go to the dentist's office. Past the age of having a vested interest in contemporary pop music but also not completely uninterested, it recognizes "7 Years" on the drive over. Once it gets to the dentist, it needs a version that’s a little more languid, something that will help lull it to sleep as a man in all white starts to scrape into its mouth. This remix more than fulfills that duty! Drill, baby, drill.
"☆ 7 Years ☆," ☆Aman Manzoor☆
How Many Years Old? This remix is 13 years old. It's pretty simple: Slightly pitch-alter the original track, throw in some enthusiastic synths, and that's really it. Not quite proper rave material, but for a fresh nu-teen who's just starting to go to parties, it's ideal. With no alcohol in sight, it'll get amped on energy drinks and soda and count on this "7 Years" retouch to settle them back down.
"7 Years (Kyle Gordon Bootleg)"
How Many Years Old? This remix is 16 years old. Often a single word can be enough to describe something: crunk, jam, slaps, rocks, etc. But Kyle Gordon’s bootleg of "7 Years" deserves two words. That's right: Lite ... Banger!
"7 Years (Mulshine Remix)"
How Many Years Old? This remix is 21 years old. This one's an easy sell. The genre tag of this song on SoundCloud is "tropical house." Need I say more? This trop house remix makes a lightly boring song even more sleep-inducing, but as we embark on the first summer weekend of 2016, it's a nice palate cleanser as the sun sets and the real fun of the evening is about to begin.
"7 Years (Tobey Romeo Remix)"
How Many Years Old? This remix is 32 years old and very excited for the holiday weekend. Freshly married, it's looking to have a good time catching up with some friends it hasn't seen after the last few busy months of work and wedding planning. Toby Romeo’s remix doesn’t ask one to turn up too hard, but the option to turn up remains open. Please remember this weekend that no matter one’s age, soon we’ll all be 60 years old — even the members of Lukas Graham — but horrible EDM remixes of popular songs will never age.