Today it was announced that executives within Hollywood’s major studios have made the groundbreaking decision to follow the example of the U.K.’s directors' union, calling for the development of a plan that would guarantee that 50 percent of yearly funding will be given to female filmmakers by the year 2020. Lol, no, just kidding, Hollywood is making a franchise trilogy out of the ’80s video game Tetris. When asked by a Deadline reporter about the merits of the project, producer Larry Kasanoff assured us that the film to come is “not at all what you think; it will be a cool surprise.” Scout’s honor, the $80 million Tetris movie is not a sign of a creative industry that’s bankrupt on imagination, but will instead be a cool surprise. A cool surprise! What secret cinematic achievement could be so great as to earn that stunning description? We present you with some possible Tetris pitches for Kasanoff to consider if he wants to follow through on that promise.
- An erotic melodrama in which existing foursomes meet and mingle with other polyamorous quartets, eventually leading to a collapse of the larger social structure by way of orgiastic entanglement ... but it's Tetris.
- An ugly-duckling parable about a lonely rectangle dissembling its quadrants to fit in with all the squares in middle school that resolves when a friendly square utters the line, “Not all rectangles are squares, but all squares are rectangles.” Because of Tetris.
- Four women plot to murder their rich husbands for the insurance money, but the ever-changing allegiances within the group threaten to throw the entire plan out of balance … See, it’s Tetris.
- A crew of four teenage humanoid turtles named after Renaissance artists Donatello, Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Raphael fight crime as color-coordinated ninjas in New York City. But it’s Tetris. Now you’re getting it!
- An office comedy about a mild-mannered pencil-pusher whose obsession with the bottom line spirals out of control with identity fraud, embezzlement, and insider trading — ironically resulting in immediate corporate gains despite the increasing mental instability of the movie’s central protagonist. Haha, like in the hugely popular game Tetris.
- A satire of the nuclear family in which the actors playing the father, the mother, the son, and the daughter change roles, appearing as different characters from scene to scene, revealing the ultimately performative nature of family through escalating caricatures of customary household behavior. Tetris, baby!
- A Big Brother organization controls all of society, starting wars and maintaining an oppressive structure of inequality, but a whistleblower takes control of the company from within, sabotaging the organization by dropping blocks of crucial infrastructural funding through the cracks in such a way that the machine doesn’t notice the changes until the will of the people has risen to rebellion. Life. Can be. Tetris!
- A science-fiction epic that takes place entirely as a wordless and humanless abstraction of space and time in which we watch as the gravitational waves caused by the mergence of four black holes push the fabric of time into hyperdrive. [Completes a sprawling, multi-line mathematical algorithm on a window pane in a dorm.] Of course, Tetris!!
- A Freaky Friday switcheroo that affects four generations of the same family, as Grandma becomes a baby, who becomes a teen mom, who becomes her mother, who becomes a grandma. Together teen mom-mom and mom-grandma have to race against time and a grandma-possessed baby to get them all back to stasis before mom-grandma’s feeble body gives out, dooming the family to unstable configurations of consciousness forever. It’s MOTHERF%$#@@@@@@@ Tetris the movie!
- A sequel to The Holiday, in which Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet exchange the homes they’ve already exchanged with the men they found in the homes they got in the first exchange. Unlike the first movie, where a change of place offers the chance to reorganize their lives from a distance, the overconnected intimacy of living in a home belonging to the stranger you picked up on vacation leads to the dissolution of all of the relationships and emotional growth that was forged in the first film. Hey! There's a gun at the bottom of this ball pit!
This is just a two-hour-long game of Tetris. At the end, we learn a baby was playing the whole time. Me love Tetris bye-bye.