This week, radio host and conspiracy theorist extraordinaire Alex Jones turned the Eye of Providence to the wallet of the throne, alleging that Beyoncé’s Lemonade was funded by the CIA as an attempt to start a race war.
“We see Beyoncé get up there at the Super Bowl and do these anti-cop riot videos. … And then you understand that the Super Bowl on Fox and Viacom MTV are the most establishment organs there are — and admittedly the most hooked up with the CIA, and the criminals that have hijacked the Defense Department that are engaging.”
Yesterday this 100 percent coherent, 100 percent credible news was just a drop in the pond of world affairs, but given the devotion of both the Beyhive and the tinfoil hats who follow Jones, the ripple effects of this event are sure to be profound. Will our future be a utopian paradise filled with lemonade, black girl magic, and free concert tickets, or are we doomed to a one-way ticket to Infowars conspiracy madness? We here at the massively hooked-up MTV used our connections to forecast where this fight would lead, and the CIA’s time travel unit hit us up with documents from the year 2066, presumably written by a town crier (also massively hooked up to the CIA) 50 years after the dimension-altering clash of these two titans.
The battle between loopy good and loopy evil begins with fire, as the Beyhive’s phalanx of Twitter forces puts Alex Jones's Infotruthers on blast. But burning the plains is not quite the same as salting the earth, and the Infotruthers grow back over time, the roots of their conspiracy having spread underground into Deep Internet conservative forums the Hive could never reach.
Infotruthers make their first strike at the Battle of Baby Bump, dropping the video of Beyoncé’s pregnant belly folding in half into the Beyhive camp, causing chaos among the coalition of the light. The ensuing skirmish depletes the Hive forces as first Photoshop experts, then delivery room nurses, then baby-weight-loss gurus test the resolve of Yoncé’s devoted followers. It takes a full moon and a thousand screenings of the home video footage of “Blue” and “All Night,” but eventually the Hive is reconciled, secure in the truth of their leader’s supremacy. The initial Twitter assault on Alex Jones and his cronies is resumed, this time as a full blitzkrieg — no conspiracy blog left un-dragged.
HALT. BEYONCÉ HAS AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT. Never mind, never mind, she’s just vegan again. The war recommences.
In 2019, Alex Jones claims he has found Becky With the Good Hair. Again the Hive is dispersed as Bey fans everywhere prepare to sacrifice their sweet drone lives to sting the bitch who hurt the queen. Rachel Roy weakly waves a white flag from her Hive-induced Bubble Boy sanctuary, Mýa jets back to 2001, and Rita Ora returns to England in preparation for the wrath. Rachael Ray, blissfully and tragically unaware, is sacrificed by the Hive in the search for the one true Becky. But alas, Becky remains elusive, and Lemonade was Beyoncé’s final word on the matter. Infotruthers exploit the period of despair that follows the Hive’s failure to locate the Carter-Knowles interloper, pointing out that maybe there was never a Becky after all, maybe Beyoncé was using creative license to manipulate her followers into contributing more capital into her billion-dollar empire.
So begins the age of darkness, as the Hive is lost in a quandary of existential and artistic doubt. If there is no Becky, what is left? What else could the queen be fabricating? Does life have meaning?
In their time of weakness, the Hive begin to look for answers, leading them down the paths of anxiety and conspiracy that once motivated their Infotruther foes. They dip into Reddit, their hard-won feminist convictions are worn down, their devotion splintered to newer, lesser divas as Beyoncé makes an early retirement to an island Jay Z buys her in 2030. But the spiral of despair eventually proves to be the Earth’s salvation, as the Hive’s inevitable dive down a Deep Internet conspiracy hole eventually reveals the Infotruthers treachery that led to the fall.
There is hope for a new beginning. The truth is out there. The Queen has been restored. Our children’s children rejoice.
(Back in 2016, Beyoncé pauses Jay Z as he meticulously paints her smallest toenail to ask, “Who is Alex Jones?”)