Last year, Johnny Depp and Amber Heard flew to Australia on a private jet so that Depp could film Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales and Heard could continue to pretend to love him. The couple brought along Pistol and Boo, their two Yorkshire terriers, but failed to declare them to customs. Australia was not pleased, because it has essentially staked its national identity on being the opposite of America; i.e., while America is teeming with dog diseases, Australia prides itself on having zero dog diseases. Seeing as the opposite of American dogs is euthanizing American dogs, the agriculture minister told the couple they'd have to take their dogs back to their homeland or face certain dog-death.
On Monday, Heard pleaded guilty to sneaking the dogs into the country and received a $1,000, one-month good behavior bond, narrowly avoiding 10 years in prison. But apparently, this did not slake Australia's thirst for both distancing itself from and humiliating all byproducts of America. Immediately after the trial, Australia’s deputy prime minister, Barnaby Joyce, uploaded a video to his Facebook showing Heard and Depp somberly apologizing to the entire continent. The video, a mere 30 seconds long, has the bone-chilling tone of a hostage tape or an episode of The Big Bang Theory sans laugh track, which is to say it is an instant and profound classic.
According to MTV News's sources (Pistol and Boo, now professional fugitives), the original version was almost twice as long, but was ultimately cut for reasons that will be made clear shortly. Fortunately, we've gotten hold of the original transcript, written by Barnaby with intermittent commentary and sobs from Heard and Depp. It appears below in its (fake) entirety.
Heard: Australia is a wonderful island, with a treasure trove of unique plants, animals, and people. America, neither an island nor wonderful, is ruled by Satan. For every godlike creature that roams Australia, smelling of lavender and grinning the grin of a pure and true virgin, there is a feral beast covered in open sores jaywalking across America's filthy streets, vomiting uncontrollably, calling itself a "person."
Depp: It has to be protected. It has to be protected. It has to be protected. It has to be protected.
Heard: Johnny, are you OK?
Depp: [wraps a scarf around his entire face and disappears, leaving only the scarf pooled on his chair]
Heard: Australia is free of many pests and diseases that are commonplace around the world. It's also free of pain and suffering. It's also free. Literally, to live here is free. Nobody has any money because they don't need it. Everything is measured in amounts of hugs. A carton of milk is 14 hugs. You have to hug the cow who made the milk. One hug lasts 15 minutes. Things that are very expensive, like dog grooming appointments, cost thousands of hugs. You have to take time off work and hug for days. It's better if you just don't get a job, actually. It's easier to just go to the beach and wrap your arms around each other's sweaty bodies until the sun goes down. If you fail to accurately provide the hugs you owe, a mass of spiders descends from the sky and murders you within seconds. That is why Australia has to have such strong biosecurity laws: Because the world is disgusting, and Australia has all the fatal spiders, and nobody else can have them.
Depp: [reappears, sweaty, speaking in a British accent] And Australians are just as unique, both warm and direct. You disrespect Australian law, they will tell you firmly. "Johnny," they'll say, enveloping you in a hug until your basal body temperature has risen to a level that America might call "dangerous" — but we're not in America, we're in Australia, where everyone is warm and direct. "Johnny, you have disrespected Australian law. Moreover, your dogs' names are insane. You haven't made a good movie in years. What are you doing? Is someone advising you? Do you know you've become a punch line? What the fuck was Mortdecai? Do you hate yourself? Why did you leave Vanessa Paradis? She's the mother of your goddamn children. Why did you let your daughter do Yoga Hosers? What is your hair right now? Why did you call me a 'sweaty gut man'? Who's sweaty now? I'm sweaty. Me, Johnny Depp. [Begins to cry] I'm so sweaty. Why am I hitting myself? Why am I hitting myself?"
Heard: Barnaby, please.
Barnaby, off camera: Wot? That is "what" in Australian, by the way.
Heard: Nothing. Sorry.
Barnaby: Keep going. At the end I will give you an ear of corn. You can't eat it. But you'll have to hold it in your hands. It'll be very buttery. Don't drop it. Later today you will feed it to me.
Heard: I am truly sorry that Pistol and Boo were not declared —
Barnaby: How often do you guys go to Arby's?
Heard: Not very often.
Barnaby: You repulse me. Go on.
Heard: Protecting Australia is important. To protect Australia is to protect the world, because when the world ends, Australia will be the only thing left standing. Australians are the chosen ones. Not the Jews. Australians. Australians are going to low-key watch as all of us are raptured to Hell. In the meantime, though, Australians must spend their days avoiding touching Americans, lest they infect us or get Arby's on us. Just looking at an American is scientifically proven to give an Australian HPV. Now every dog in Australia has HPV. This is my fault.
Depp: Declare everything when you go to Australia. Declare your Pistols. Declare your Boos. Declare your wives who cannot fill out customs forms. Declare your fruits, both of your loins and from the produce section at Arby's. Declare your clothes. Declare your face. Declare your sexuality. Declare if you would or would not sleep with Barnaby. Either one of you is fine.
[Depp and Heard look at each other for the first time in months. Neither speaks.]
Depp: Declare your freedom. Declare your intentions. Declare war.
[Depp lunges toward Barnaby, wrapping him in a dank and sweaty hug. Barnaby, well-versed in hug-based violence, hugs Depp even tighter until he explodes. Quickly, Heard and Barnaby work together to create a doppelgänger of Depp made of clay that will sit next to Heard when they film the shorter version. She gamely takes most of Human Depp's (RIP) earlier lines.]