Where were you when you realized we wouldn’t have a hot president? It shouldn’t have come as a surprise — these candidates have been in the running for months. Maybe it was denial or whatever, but the realization hit me hard. The next four, possibly eight years without the Obamas, the hottest #aesthetic to hit the White House in 200 years. (Not to say JFK wasn’t, like, hot, but also, like: Try again, sweetie.) Maybe it was when recently elected Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau visited Obama that we really saw what the world is capable of. That maybe, somehow, the unthinkable is possible: a hot alt president.
It’d be #savage AF to go in on Hillary for looks being that she’s been pressed by sexist standards for far too long, but also because, to be real: Looks are only a fraction of being hot. No one cares about your bone structure if your #aesthetic is on point — your personality, style, how you carry yourself. No one cares about your boring-ass face anymore. No one cares about ANYONE’S boring-ass face anymore, because Zayn made the standard so high there’s no point in competing. But since his hot-ass face put out that boring-ass album, Zayn made the standard for cool waaaaaay lower than ever before. We’re in a cool-instead-of-hot renaissance right now, which is the prime time for these candidates to swoop in and steal our hearts, or at least our romantic projections.
Hillary’s on that "just happens to show up at the bar just 20 minutes after your crush location tags" tip. Hillary’s the type to scroll down your “following” list and find all your fave accounts (creepy). Hillary's the type to show up to the function and only talk to the dude she’s trying to get with while giving something between a stink-eye and a death glare to anyone or anything he’s giving his attention to, which always ends with him explaining, “That’s my sister. You need to chill.”
Imagine how hyped Bernie would look if Hillary just chilled out. Bernie would be yelling about, idk, free tuition, or he’d be apologizing for hundreds of years of slavery or whatever politics actually are, and Hillary would be like: “lmao what??? THIS GUY LOLOLOL.” Hillary would ride the "I agree, I just didn’t say anything because I’m super chill n you can totally trust me that we’re on the same page." (Which would hella help Hillary, as she’s actually not on the same page, plus Bernie would look like a screaming old white man, spittle flying everywhere.)
Which would be taking Bernie down a bit, as he’s currently the coolest, hottest, most alt presidential candidate. He thought the subway ran on tokens and, like, doesn’t even care that it doesn’t. Bernie took the Steve Buscemi “how do you do, fellow kids?” meme and made Buscemi cool. He flipped it. But what hasn’t Bernie done? Dropped the SoundCloud link.
Bernie’s cornered the #alt vote without officially pledging an alt subculture, which is actually probably the good move — hedging bets. But Bernie, baby: You’re not the only one tryna be the only one, and the only way to stay on the timeline is by making promises you’ll never keep. I mean, maybe he’s doing that enough with campaign promises, but maybe take a note from Frank Ocean and hit us with an album release date. Maybe, like, drop a picture of the tracklist, back up and amend it, every few hours being like “it’s about to drop,” until you hit up SNL and make it limited release or something. IDK but, like, even the Hamburger Helper glove dropped a mixtape.
OK SO … I don’t really know who this dude Kasich is. Google says his first name is John. I first heard about John Kasich when, while I was complaining about how the candidates aren’t hot, someone asked: How would you make John Kasich hot? And I was like: New presidential election, who dis. JK, but really: John Kasich looks like he’s about to get cut in line because you didn’t realize he was standing there. John Kasich is the guy looking down to avoid eye contact in the elevator — he just wants to get to his floor. John Kasich looks like he’s about to drop the most fire ABSOLUTELY NOTHING of 2016. John Kasich is the presidential candidate with the least amount of Twitter followers. John Kasich deadass has fewer Twitter followers than @sosadtoday.
So what should Kasich do to be hot? Um, anything. Literally anything, John.
Rumored murderer and confirmed Canadian Ted Cruz is the candidate that ate his booger on TV. It fell from his nose during a debate, forever changing the Google Image search results for “Ted Cruz Mouth,” which I discovered while comparing my bone structure with Ted Cruz’s during a moment of deep self-discovery and/or body dysmorphia. Anyway, most of Ted Cruz’s gig is making himself and his policies look not so bad in comparison with Donald Trump’s. He’s on this, like, distraction tip where he just draws the eye away from his insidious policies or whatever. It’s, like, part distraction and part “better”-in-comparison, even though it’s similarly scary. And this behavior is totally in line with that dude who tries to look so sensitive and caring by calling other dudes “fuccbois.” He’s like: “Don’t let them get you down” and “I’d never play you like that.” So let’s get Ted Cruz an undercut and some Hood By Air.
Welp, that’s it. That’s every presidential candidate.
Ugh OK fine ...
It’s hard to say anything about Donald Trump’s appearance because some things are truly unable to be articulated, and the standing definition of this is Donald Trump’s face. And Trump, both because of his extremism and the fact that he mostly says how he feels without regard to facts, has a lot in common with the liquid narrative Spring Breakers. Spring Breakers, the movie propelled more by feeling and style than by typical narrative, where they wear fluorescent ski masks and rob who/whatever to fund their vacation with little sense of ethics or empathy … it just sounds a little familiar. A fluorescent ski mask would feminize Trump’s campaign, which, up until now, has been pretty masculine. It also would remind us how, by covering up his weird, orangey face, his problematic popularity is just an expression of whatever mostly white, artificial, troublesome mess we’ve just been throwing masks over anyway.