[caption id="attachment_206149" align="alignleft" width="220"] Lionsgate[/caption]
According to the search I just completed 17 seconds ago, Google defines the word "kinky" as "remove your safe search." Wait, sorry, that's not right. One second.
According to the search I just completed 48 seconds ago, Google (and then Wikipedia) defines the word "kinky" as "a term used to refer to an intelligent and playful usage of sexual concepts which are overt, accentuated, unambiguously expressive of sexuality."
Seems excessive, no? For the purpose of this list, we're pretty much defining "kinky" as "Hey, look, a hot sex scene." [SFX: Whip crack] Like you're going to complain. Especially with Joseph Gordon-Levitt's "Don Jon" coming out this week.
Here now are the 10, er, "kinkiest" sex scenes in movie history, generally embedded from sketchier websites than Youtube. And, yeah, you probably shouldn't watch any of these videos at work unless you want to get fired or start a really weird NSFW-themed relationship with your boss.
Ok, so in terms of "kinky" I suppose that multiple scenes from 2002's "Secretary" should be higher on this list. But call me weird (or call me kinky...no, don't actually), but I can't help but watch any of these scenes without thinking of Jake Gyllenhaal (Maggie Gyllenhaal's brother, everybody) watching these scenes. Or even, people in the same room as Jake Gyllenhaal as he watches these scenes. I can just picture this movie ending, the credits rolling, and good-natured people approaching Jake and then the following exchange happens: "Hey, Jake, I uh...I thought Maggie was gre--" "Just shut up, dude. Just shut your mouth." Above, we have over-the-clothes spanking because Jesus what am I going to link to a porno? (Maybe.)
Click here to watch the clip.I have a soft spot for "Eurotrip" only because it is easily the best of the late '90s-early '00s gross-out teenage comedies and I will literally strike you if you attempt to argue otherwise. Then I'll say, "I'm really sorry, but listen, I really like 'Eurotrip.' Don't sue me, ok? I'm serious. Please. Thank you." Not only is it super funny and rewatchable, but I can't help but admire the way it owns its offensiveness, whether it's stereotyping Parisians, Italians or people who accidentally make out with their twin sisters. And in terms of "kinky," does it get much "kinkier" than sex in the Papal quarters? It does? Fine. But this is pretty kinky.
Click here to watch the clip.And then things got super dark. I don't know if it's a reflection of my group of friends, or a reflection of me as a person, or both (it's definitely both), but when I posed the question, "Hey, what are some kinky movie sex scenes?" to my friends, four of them replied with this one, a scene that isn't so much a "sex scene" as it is a "curl up in the corner of your bedroom and cry for three days" scene. "Requiem For a Dream" is one of those movies that you watch one time, appreciate its quality, and then throw the DVD off your roof in a sort of ritualistic catharsis.
Click here to watch the clip.Fun fact for no one but me: The evolution of my freshman year college roommate and I's friendship began when on a random Tuesday night at 4:30am, he out of nowhere blurted out, "Meg Ryan is hot." She is, and I can neither confirm nor deny that he had watched Meg and Mark Ruffalo fly on a fantastic voyage to Poundtown earlier in the evening in "In the Cut." Some seriously perverted stuff in this movie from the star of "You've Got Mail." Here, Ruffalo does some feet sucking and other fun things in the name of kink.
Click here to watch the clip."The Killer Inside Me" is like a quadruple entendre (Quadruple Entendre: incredible band name), and one of those entendres is on display in full force in the embedded video above, wherein Casey Affleck lives out the day dreams of many young men in the name of art. Acting is a tough gig, guys. There's a belt, and there's an Alba, and there's some serious little-brother-Affleck aggression, and voila, we have some kinky sex that sure does look uncomfortable, both for us watching and undoubtedly for Alba's character herself. Some bad stuff happens in this movie later, but I don't want to spoil it UNLESS YOU WANT IT TO BE SPOILED OH YEAH sorry I'll calm down the nature of this article got to me briefly.
Click here to watch the clip.My favorite part of all of the hype around "Unfaithful" 11 years ago was the awkward public juxtaposition of "What a moral character study that will make us question everything we believe, what performances by Diane Lane and Richard Gere, what an intelligent take on marriage" versus "holy hell Diane Lane is naked for like 70 percent of this movie you gotta see this (high five)." Lane was (rightfully) nominated for an Oscar for the role, but it got awkward when the ceremony showed the above scene as her sample clip at the show, especially when they cut right to Michael Douglas afterwards. Okay, that didn't actually happen (I don't think), but that would have been great. Also, hey, kinky sex, sure.
Click here to watch the clip.
You could argue that the worst mistake of my life was the time I decided to purchase "A History of Violence" in the middle seat of a cross-country flight six years ago, but then I would say, "That's weird that you even know that about me. How long have you been following me?" But seriously folks, my elbows have never gotten a better workout than those two hours where they half-heartedly blocked the screen from being watched by the twin 9-year-olds on either side of me. Don't say I never did anything to improve the world, everybody. Otherwise, Jill and Johnny (feel weird even writing those names out) would have asked their parents why people hump on staircases sometimes. You're welcome.
Click here to watch the clip.The above scene, wherein Denise Richards gets champagne dumped on her, um, frontal lady parts, is great on paper, but a re-watch reveals that Matt Dillon may have outcreeped the coverage on this one - that is, he's just SO creepy that it's almost (almost) impossible to enjoy anything else in the scene. If anyone asked you to do an imitation of the creepiest possible dude you can think of on the spot, I recommend mimicking Matt Dillon's voice from this scene. It's also just glaringly clear how uncomfortable Neve Campbell is to do this scene. She's trying to look "sexy" but instead she just looks "tired." Anyway, sorry for officially ruining everything about this scene for you.
Click here to watch the clip.It's kind of funny that Stanley Kubrick had earned such respect in the filmmaking world that he could literally film an entire three-minute scene of just Tom Cruise walking around a mansion and 1) watching people bone in various ways, but also 2) watching naked people watching people bone in various ways. "Yeah, guys, uh, this is an incredibly crucial part to the movie, so um, if I could have like 45 naked models on set in five, that would just be ideal. I made 'The Shining,' b t dubs, so you can trust me." That all counts as "kinky," right? This scene feels pretty kinky. Imagining Tom Cruise say the word "kinky" is a good way to make yourself vomit on the spot, by the way.
Click here to watch the clip.
This scene takes the number one spot for being on a meta level of kinkiness - the scene itself is "kinky" in that the two characters comically try 4,390 different sexual positions, but the notion of making dolls have a bunch of over-the-top sex is on a separate level of kinkiness itself. (This has been Nick Blake filling in for Andy Rooney, goodnight.) Somehow both oddly and predictably, the most memorable part of this scene is and will always be the song. "All I ask is that you're a womaaaannnnnn." Words to live by. "Team America" remains a staggeringly underrated masterpiece, in no small part because of the above three minutes.