[caption id="attachment_175568" align="alignleft" width="300"] Marvel[/caption]
For the last five years, Robert Downey Jr.'s Iron Man has been the biggest badass in movies. Right from the moment Tony Stark made his first suit of Iron Man armor in a cave — with a BOX OF SCRAPS! — it's been clear that 21st-century cool is being defined right before our eyes. And so we can't wait to see what new awesomeness Marvel has come up with for "Iron Man 3," because whatever the plot ends up being, we're sure it will be great.
Unless, of course, he fights the not-so-deadly foe known as The Unicorn. Or, say, Mr. Doll. Or unveils the giant rotary phone hidden in his chest plate.
Okay, hard as it is to believe, even Iron Man has had more than his fair share of face-palm moments over the past 50 years. Luckily, the folks at Marvel have done a pretty good job of picking out only the cool stuff for the movies. But with that in mind, we thought we'd take a look at some goofy Iron Man moments you probably won't be seeing in "Iron Man 3." Because even genius billionaire playboy philanthropists can crap the bed once in a while. Speaking of which ...
Fin Fang Foom
If we told you Iron Man once faced off against an honest-to-God dragon, you would probably think that's about the coolest thing ever, right? Which it totally should have been. Except, well, just one thing: The dragon goes by the ridiculous name of Fin Fang Foom and wears a humungous pair of purple diapers at all times. Why does a dragon need a diaper? How, in fact, does a dragon put on a diaper? And where do you even get giant dragon diapers in the first place? These are thing you should not be thinking about when Iron Man fights a dragon, but that's just part of the charm (?) of Fin Fang Foom, the only dragon who officially endorses Depends.
The Iron Nose
Here's the crazy but true story of how Iron Man suddenly grew a huge metal schnozz in the mid-'70s. One day, Stan Lee was looking at art for a new issue when he asked, "Where's the nose?" What he meant was that the helmet was drawn too flat — there was no room for Tony Stark's nose inside it. Misunderstanding, though, and fearful of angering the legendary Lee, the powers that be at Marvel immediately issued an edict that henceforth, Iron Man's armor was to be drawn with a giant metal nose on his faceplate at all time. This lasted for a couple years until Stan got a new look at an issue of "Iron Man" and asked "Why the hell does he have a nose?!" Leading, of course, to its immediate removal.
Happy Hogan Is ... The Freak!
In the movies, of course, Happy Hogan is Tony's chauffeur, right-hand man and best pal. He's also played by "Iron Man" and "Iron Man 2" director Jon Favreau. In the comics, though, Happy also has another unlikely claim to fame — he's the supervillain known as The Freak. See, one time Happy got sick, so naturally Tony decided to try and cure him by exposing him to an experimental cobalt beam called the "Enervator." Personally, we would have called a doctor, but whatever. Instead of being totally enervated, though, Happy was mutated into a hulking, mindless monster that Tony rudely dubbed "The Freak," which is not a nice thing to say about a) your best friend who b) you frickin' mutated in the first place. We're guessing Favreau has put the nix on this dopey story ever appearing in the movies.
Back in the day, roller skating inexplicably was a huge fad. We know, it sounds crazy, but then again, just wait until you have to try and explain Silly Bandz and Justin Bieber to your grandchildren. Anyway, the folks at Marvel decided the natural way to cash in on this craze was to give Iron Man rocket-propelled roller skates that popped out of his shoes on command. Of course, considering Iron Man can totally fly, these roller skates had literally zero use whatsoever, other than to allow him to challenge Scott Baio to a race on "Battle of the Network Stars." But we gotta admit they looked snazzy!
Leisure Suit Iron Man
One cool thing we've gotten to see in the movies is that Tony has built a whole slew of cool customized Iron Man suits to fit any occasion. You know, Deep Space Iron Man, Underwater Iron Man, Briefcase Iron Man (remember that from "Iron Man 2"?), you name it. But there is one version of the Iron Man armor we won't be seeing any time soon: Leisure Suit Iron Man. Yep. See, in a classic Avengers story, Earth's Mightiest Heroes faced off against the all-powerful Molecule Man, who disintegrated Tony's suit with a wave of his hand. Later, he had a change of heart and tried to remake it, but since he's not a scientist, the best he could do was to create basically a giant pair of pajamas painted to look like Iron Man armor. Dubbed the Leisure Suit Iron Man, this iteration made just one appearance. But seriously, we can't be the only ones who would totally buy this if they sold it at K-Mart, right?
Oh man, this is just as dumb as you think it's going to be. So, back in the mid-'90s, sales on all of Marvel's comics were dropping like a rock. Desperate to come up with a way to re-invigorate the franchise, the editors came up with an absolutely terrible idea: make Tony a teenager! Sure enough, they ended up killing off the real Tony Stark and bringing in a teenage version from an alternate universe to replace him. The story is considered by many fans to be the absolute worst Iron Man story of all time and frankly, we don't disagree. Though there is one other candidate ...
Seriously, You Have to Read This to Believe It
There's no easy way to put this, so we'll just say it: One time, Iron Man's armor fell in love with him, went into a jealous rage and started physically and emotionally abusing him. We are not making this up. This is not a late April Fool's joke. Now, we're all for comics tackling real world issues, but on the other hand, surely there was a better way to deal with domestic violence and abusive relationships than having Iron Man's armor become sentient and start slapping him around in a jealous rage. One of the top WTF moments not just in Iron Man history, but in history, period.