Charlie Sheen Vs. Lindsay Lohan

[caption id="attachment_173343" align="alignleft" width="300"]Scary Movie 5 Dimension[/caption]

It's come to this. The two most public figures of hedonistic excess and hurricane-level character destruction, meeting at last to decide who will have the better future film career based solely on their past shenanigans.

They appear together in the fifth installment of the "Scary Movie" franchise, debuting this Friday, and by all accounts, their time on set together was nothing but peaceful. But that ends today, folks. It ends now.

Sheen versus Lohan. Get your popcorn/breathalyzers ready.

Best Past Performance

[caption id="attachment_173341" align="alignright" width="300"]Mean Girls Paramount[/caption]

Charlie Sheen: "Wall Street" (1987)

Lindsay Lohan: "Mean Girls" (2004)

Verdict: "Mean Girls" represents the pinnacle of Lindsay Lohan hotness. She was staggeringly pretty in "Mean Girls," to the point where, sure, we noticed Amanda Seyfried, Rachel McAdams and Lacey Chabert next to her at the lunch table but remained completely disinterested in them, like Aaron Samuels. (Aaron Samuels was the worst, by the way. Cool bowl cut, bud.) She also held her own comedically amongst heavyweights Amy Poehler and Tim Meadows. Sadly, that was a full nine years ago, and it still isn't enough to overtake Sheen's portrayal of Bud Fox in "Wall Street," not to mention Chris in "Platoon." Sheen gets the nod.

Better Saturday Night Live Hosting Gig

Charlie Sheen: January 13, 2001

Lindsay Lohan: May 1, 2004 and March 3, 2012

Verdict: Charlie Sheen acts in comedy roles like he (and not his character) is in on the joke the whole time. He'll deliver a punchline with a smirk, not because he thought the joke was funny, but because he wants to be part of the audience so he can enjoy Charlie Sheen as well. It works for him, of course, to the tune of the nine trillion dollars he was able to earn on "Two and a Half Men" before ever-graciously bowing out a couple years ago, but that doesn't make it any less obnoxious. Lohan, by contrast, could actually deliver comedic performances in her heyday. There's a specific sketch from the 2004 show where she kills (in a good way) a sketch as Hermione back from summer break at Hogwarts which takes down anything Sheen ever did on the '01 episode. Lohan takes this one.

Less Horrifying Easily-Searchable YouTube Video

Charlie Sheen: "Not Bi-Polar - Bi-Winning!"


Verdict: One of the most terrifying videos on the Internet. I'm so sorry for the following:

Sheen win(ning)s.

Less Questionable Appearance With a Porn Star

Charlie Sheen: Like 8,792,347,293 examples, but here's a detailed list at RadarOnline from two years ago

Lindsay Lohan: Acts opposite James Deen in the upcoming "The Canyons"

Verdict: This is tough. "The Canyons" was the subject of one of the most entertaining New York Times Magazine pieces of all time, and it hasn't even come out yet. The dysfunction apparent on the set, largely (well, entirely) sparked by Lohan's antics, are absurd. But at least it's an actual movie, and the people making it had genuine intentions, I think. Sheen just bones porn stars by the dozen — which, fine, good for him. But they never look like they actually want to be there, do they? The nod reluctantly goes to Lindsay, though I'm expecting "The Canyons" to have less going for it than "Baby Geniuses 2."

Coolest Family Member

Charlie Sheen: Martin Sheen (sorry, Emilio)

Lindsay Lohan: Um ... Dina Lohan?

Verdict: One of these people was the star of "Apocalypse Now" and played the President of the United States on one of the greatest American television shows of all time.

The other is Dina Lohan.

Yeah, Sheen barely squeaks this one out.

Most Cringeworthy Recent Tweet

Charlie Sheen: 


Lindsay Lohan:


Verdict: Lindsay has a surprisingly calm (for her) Twitter account, so we're forced to go all the way back to February, when she Chuck Grassley'd the hell out of a tweet and didn't delete it afterwards. Charlie's sample tweet is from a month ago and it's literally unintelligible. It is the Hammurabi's Code of tweets. Lohan gets the victory, and we're tied at 3 going into the last four.

Better Movie With Emilio Estevez

[caption id="attachment_173340" align="alignright" width="300"]Bobby The Weinstein Company[/caption]

Charlie Sheen: "Men at Work" (1990)

Lindsay Lohan: "Bobby" (2006)

Verdict: "Bobby" is actually a fairly compelling movie despite director and star Estevez's odd casting choices, including Nick Cannon, Ashton Kutcher and Courtney Stodden.* "Men at Work" is not only a fairly terrible movie, but it's also the name of a TV show that is the current leader in the clubhouse for "Which current television show makes the world a worse place?" Not the fault of the 1990 "Men at Work," but life isn't fair, guys. It's time you learned that now. Lohan takes another.

*Courtney Stodden was not actually in "Bobby."

Less Checkered Dating History

Charlie Sheen: Holy hell, look at this list.

Lindsay Lohan: Holy hell, look at this list.

Verdict: This category is truly a clash of the titans, and we're not talking any Sam Worthington bulls**t. We're talking fifty years ago "Clash of the Titans." But just for sheer density, the nod here goes to Sheen, if only for the fact that if you were an attractive male aged 18-30 in Hollywood over the last ten years, there's a 47% chance you were dating Lindsay Lohan at some point in your life. Chuck is pretty much "Winona Ryder, Denise Richards, Robin Wright, and porn stars." Not bad, but ultimately a tad less "checkered." (Note: Charlie Sheen would be very, very upset about losing this category.)

Less Embarrassing Starring Role in a TV Movie

[caption id="attachment_173342" align="alignright" width="300"]Rated X Showtime[/caption]

Charlie Sheen: "Rated X" (2000)

Lindsay Lohan: "Liz & Dick," (2012)

Verdict: Take a look at this snapshot from "Rated X". You hesitate to judge a book by its cover (though that's probably appropriate in a Sheen/Lohan article, as neither of these two have read any books lately), but it might be hard to take "Rated X" seriously at all, right? Sheen and Estevez as two fat bald porn producers? Sign me up! It would have been difficult to top this one for Lohan, and yet it does so, so effortlessly, as "Liz & Dick" is the most laughed-at television movie of my lifetime. The nod goes to Chuck.

More Noteworthy Reference in a Pop Song

Charlie Sheen: "Charlie Sheen" by Chamillionaire

Lindsay Lohan: "Give Me Everything" by Pitbull

Verdict: This would seem an easy victory for Chuck, considering he has an entire song named after him. But "Give Me Everything" was so ubiquitous for like six months — seriously, you couldn't walk three feet without hearing that awful, godforsaken song 17 times — that the nod barely goes to Lindsay, even if her name in the song is dropped in the context of being in prison.

Final Tally

Sheen 5, Lohan 5.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a tie! Wow, in the history of the "Versus" article on NextMovie, we've never--

Charlie, you didn't win! Why are you thanking people? And what is "eternal flamesex"? Sheen is disqualified. Lohan wins. Congratulations on your more prosperous future film career, Lindsay!