[caption id="attachment_167482" align="alignleft" width="300"] CBS Films[/caption]
You might think that an exorcism movie called "The Last Exorcism" is sequel-proof, in that its very name promises the demise of its main attraction. And you might assume that the film's "found footage" conceit would further hamper its producers' ability to excise a franchise from this thriller's frame.
And yet Hollywood has, once again, dug down deep and heroically summoned the artistic courage (with an assured distribution deal and built-in-audience) to somehow concoct a sequel, cleverly titled "The Last Exorcism Part II," despite all your contrarian naysaying.
We salute this artistic courage with some superb sequel pitches of our own. And we're confident the movie-going public will flock to see them — mainly due to faint name recognition. Are you listening, Hollywood producers?
1. 'The Virgin Suicides 2: Gettin' Laid ... To Rest'
Having permanently exhausted the genre of "privileged girls moping around in hotels/castles" ("Life Without Zoe," "Lost in Translation," "Marie Antoinette," "Somewhere"), Sofia Coppola is returning to her true passion: zombies. Sure, all five Lisbon sisters took the easy way out in the original "The Virgin Suicides" (not to imply these girls were ever "easy"), but after a batch of toxic waste is mistakenly spilled near the Grosse Pointe cemetery, the somber siblings come back from the dead more hungry for boys than ever! And brains.
2. 'Once 2: Twice'
While the bittersweet Irish indie "Once," which followed two wounded souls giving each other the confidence to reconcile with their estranged lovers, got tons of critical accolades (and a 2006 Oscar for Best Original Song), its ending didn't leave much room for a sequel. Fortunately, most of the world never saw the movie in the first place. So just make the same movie over again, only throw that singer from Mumford & Sons into the lead, offer it in 3-D and watch the green roll in!
[caption id="attachment_167486" align="alignright" width="300"] Fox[/caption]
3. 'The Last of the Mohicans 2: Mohican, Mo' Problems'
This epic sequel to "The Last of the Mohicans" tells the tale of that hippie chick you met at a rave in college who said she was 1/16th Mohican. At first it was sort of sexy because it made her seem "exotic." But then you noticed how she only brought it up when she was tipsy or wanted to insert herself into a conversation about some other oppressed minority. Oh, and her name was Rachel Goldstein, so ... One day you're, like, "For realz, are you 1/16th Mohican?" And she's, like, "No ... that's just something I like to say sometimes." And so it was, on that day, that the once mighty Mohican nation was, once more, no more.
4. 'Requiem For a Dream 2: Hit That Snooze Button!'
In a cruel twist of fate worthy of O. Henry, Sara Goldfarb's refrigerator wakes up from a terrifying nightmare in a cold sweat. The fridge dreamed that Sara had gone totally nuts due to a dependance on amphetamines, her son's arm was amputated, his girlfriend became a sex worker and an incessant string quartet kept playing the same cyclical music over and over. But when Sara enters the kitchen screaming and hitting him with a spatula, the refrigerator realizes it had been no dream, and begins planning his escape ...
5. 'Last Tango In Paris: 2 to Tango'
Have you spent days on end furiously fast forwarding through "Last Tango in Paris" in a fruitless search for actual tangoing? What man hasn't? The sad truth is there's none. But with both lead actors now deceased (and unable to wage legal challenges), our effects team has digitally rotated the original film images of unsavory horizontal activity by 90 degrees, instantly turning art house filth into wholesome family entertainment! Is that Marlon Brando sodomizing Maria Schneider on the floor? Not any longer, kids. Now piously vertical, and draped in a CGI-created tux and gown, the happy couple is sensually swaying their way to a ballroom dance competition victory, smooth as butter, in this feel-good sequel.
[caption id="attachment_167487" align="alignright" width="300"] Columbia Pictures[/caption]
6. 'This Is It 2: Please Put It Away'
If you loved the behind-the-scenes video of Michael Jackson's final rehearsal in the posthumous documentary "This Is It," you are not alone. But that white-washed imagery will pale in comparison to the newly found footage from Jacko's Neverland Ranch security cameras and private home movies. Viewers beware: there's some "off-the-wall" stuff here that your eyes ... just cannot un-see.
7. 'The Last Temptation of Christ 2: Double Crossed'
Satan's back and he isn't messing around with lame-ass temptations like marriage and children. This time, Beelzebub is offering Jesus an all-expense paid trip to Vegas for two, with comped chips and a dinner show of the savior's choice. But that's not all. The Antichrist has scored — get this — a front-row seat at Oprah's Favorite Things taping circa 2005. Remember how tough those tickets were to get? Not to mention recouping two thousand years' worth of unpaid book royalties for J.C. It's going to be hard turning a cheek to all this fabulous, tax-exempt swag in TLTOC: XX!
8. 'As Good as It Gets 2: Slightly Better'
It's been 16 years, and after thousands of hours of intense therapy, a daily regiment of prescription drugs and the love and support of Carol (Helen Hunt), lovably obsessive-compulsive Melvin (Jack Nicholson) of "As Good as It Gets" is doing slightly better. Well, maybe not better enough to warrant the huge sums of money paid to doctors and pharmacies over the last decade and a half, but he's less worried about stepping on sidewalk cracks. So that's good, right? And he's only washing his hands twenty times a day, down from thirty. So maybe now this truly is as good as it gets? Check out "As Good as It Gets 3" and find out.