Adam Shankman's new film based on the Broadway musical "Rock of Ages" just might make you think you could get on the stage, belt out some tunes and melt some faces, but a word of caution: These are professionals.

This story of glam-metal glory follows two L.A. dreamers, Bourbon Club waitress Sherrie Christian (Julianne Hough) and busboy Drew Boley (Diego Boneta), as they sing and strut their way to the top ... '80s style. The crooning all-star cast includes Alec Baldwin, Russell Brand, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Paul Giamatti and Tom Cruise, unleashing his inner Axl Rose as the mercurial rock beast Stacee Jaxx.

1. Ahh, man. We were just one bad decision away from this movie becoming "Coyote Ugly."

2. If only Paul Giamatti could transplant some of his mustache hair onto that bald noggin.

3. Claims of Tom Cruise going totally off the reservation have been greatly exaggerated.

4. Catherine Zeta-Jones' hip thrusts are most definitely a deadly weapon.

5. Wait, we're confused ... what do you want to do again? Oh, "rock," got it.

6. The only thing less believable than Diego Boneta breaking into song is that people actually used to buy records. In stores.