Every year, the members of the mysterious Hollywood Foreign Press Association gather in their secret European lair, get wasted on absinthe and plan out the Golden Globe Awards show. Well, maybe that's not exactly what happens, but based on the tone of the awards banquette they throw, it seems highly possible.
The nominations can, at times, be .. well, surprising. (Where's "The Muppets"?!!!) And, with Ricky Gervais invited back to resume his role as irreverent host, we expect him to knock a few more icons down off their pedestals. Here are some moments we pray might go down as well.
Jonah Hill shows up weighing 300 pounds again. In a shocking reversal, the recently svelte Hill takes the stage to accept his award for Best Supporting Actor, having gained back all of his hard-lost weight -- and then some. When asked if he figuratively fell off the weight-watcher wagon, Hill insists that he's "preparing for a role," though his agent denies knowledge of any such part being offered. Later, Jonah is spotted pocketing several rolls off a waiter's dinner trolly.
Glenn Close wins Best Actress, announces she’s actually a man. After nabbing an award for her performance in "Albert Nobbs" (in which she plays a woman disguising herself as a man to find work), Close admits that the opposite is true in real life. "I'm actually a dude," she says, adjusting the crotch region of her dress. "They started giving me parts as a chick and I needed the money so ... I rolled with it. My name's Glenn, for God's sake!"
Michael Fassbender streaks naked across the stage. Not one to shy away from flaunting the "part" he loves to play most, Fassbender breaks the unspoken "no pants, no service" rule and calmly strides across the stage sans clothing. Later, when asked what the deal was with the whole streaking thing, Michael explains that he was always willing to do nudity if it was done tastefully and served the story of the awards ceremony.
Jason Segel and the Muppets storm the stage, demand to be added to Best Musical or Comedy category. "We're a freakin' musical AND a comedy!" yells Kermit, as the eternal victim's green felt burns with red-hot rage and Miss Piggy karate-chops Gervais to the ground. Adds the Swedish Chef: "Anda' wheredi di nomination ferdi besti original songi?!!!"
Ryan Gosling wins Best Actor - Comedy, declares, "F--k Yeah." After starring in 95% of all films in 2011, Gosling's odds of winning some sort of award seem extremely likely. Sure enough, he is seen coolly ascending the stage to take the award for Best Actor in a Comedy. "F--k yeah" are the only words he utters before staring soulfully into the camera lens for two, solid, heart-stopping minutes. Everyone in attendance agrees it is an extremely moving and sexually arousing acceptance speech.
An obliterated Tilda Swinton charges the stage and interrupts Best Actress winner Viola Davis. After reportedly talking loudly on her cell phone throughout the night's presentations, and consuming heroic amounts of alcohol, the usually refined Tilda rips the Golden Globe from her competitor's hands as she tried to speak and asserts, "Yo, Viola, I'm really happy for you, I'll let you finish. But Beyonce has one of the best videos of all time!"
Meryl Streep makes out with someone -- anyone. Streep's already proven she's game for a little girl-on-girl action at the 2010 Critics' Choice Awards with Sandra Bullock, so we're hoping she'll tie with another nominee and tongue-wrestle for top position yet again. While we'll be happy no matter whom she chooses to heap some Streep on, we're definitely rooting for Rooney Mara.
Madonna wins Best Song, audience responds by hurling hydrangeas onto the stage. Signaling the unilateral drunkenness of the guests, hammered attendees pelt the pop star turned mediocre filmmaker with hydrangeas, Madonna's admitted fourth-biggest nemesis. (Her top three nemeses being, of course: age-appropriate behavior, the emotion "shame," and American accents.)
Ricky Gervais and Robert Downey Jr. have a slap fight. After yet again picking on the private woes of honored guests, Gervais is attacked by a livid Downey. Believing himself to actually possess Sherlock Holmes' mental powers, the actor preplans his attack before striking: kick knee, thwart counterattack, crush windpipe. Having mentally mapped out the fight, Downey proceeds to engage Gervais in the saddest slapping and hair-pulling fight ever witnessed between two height-challenged men. Eventually, Warwick Davis is thrown onto the stage to break it up.