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Jeb's Supercalifragilistic Tuesday Diary! Keep Out!! This Means You!!!

An exclusive look at the personal journal of former Florida governor and now former presidential candidate Jeb (!) Bush

March 15, 2016

Dear Diary,

Well, it's a very serious time here at the Bush compound, observing the end of Marco's valiant challenge to The Great Pumpkin … JK! Yeah, we're all real sad; I had my pants at half-mast, to moon Marco’s sweaty, unshaven face. I dunno why he gave a concession speech after coming in second — he treated coming in third and fourth like wins in January! Like I heard one of the cable schmucks say, "At some point, you have to take home something other than participation trophies."

Fox has always had a hard-on for him and, like, IMMEDIATELY after he bowed out, they were discussing if maybe little Marco fizzled out because his campaign was "too optimistic" for this campaign season.

Gag. Me. With. A Guac Bowl. The only thing optimistic about Marco was how long he stayed in the race.

Is that going to be the dominant narrative? Remind me what part of Marco’s campaign was optimistic, exactly: Was it when he said that Obama gets up every day trying to think of ways to weaken the country? Was it when he gave journalists calculators with Ted Cruz quotes on 'em? I guess when he started mocking Trump's dick size he at least had a smile on his face. I mean, you can be optimistic and fight dirty, too, but COME ON. Marco was a squirmy Macaulay Culkin warning the neighbors about the burglary next door, hoping for a reward and a chance to house-sit.

LOL, even the live feed of his event was shaky and out of focus. Metaphor much? And that line about being the "descendants of go-getters"? Who's writing his speeches, my dad?

Rumor is, Marco's thinking about running for governor. LOL, diary. Talk about sitting in a BIG CHAIR! I wonder if he realizes that, as governor, you have to come to work every day.

Kasich is on the tube right now. I owe him a six-pack for this win. I should tell him I'm gonna hold on to it until the convention and see what he'll trade me for it then. Ha ha. I'm actually pulling for the homely little dude and his earnest hair.

Pulling for him, but — shhhhh, don't tell anyone — when I voted, I wrote in "Jeffrey Lebowski." Call me "optimistic," but he's my lodestar for the shitty times we're in: "This aggression will not stand, man."

OK, gonna go hit the sack to clear my head — the hacky sack, I mean. Ha ha. Unlike Marco, I can keep it up forever.

Jeb (!)