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I Am Ben Carson And God Doesn’t Make Mistakes And Probably Neither Do I

So, yes, I had to endorse Donald Trump

:: deep inhale, followed by long exhale ::



You know how you just make … mistakes sometimes? Like, you run for president, but you’re not really sure why — it just seemed like a pretty good idea at the time? Or you are the Biblical Joseph, and you fill a pyramid with grain, despite what Jesus told the Ephesians about how “thou shalt not put grain in a pyramid, or thou will gettest the backhand”? Or you endorse Donald Trump for president, after you sort of dropped out, but sort of didn’t? Even after he compared you to a child molester?


Mistakes … taking place. Yes, they do. They do take … a place. A place in our hearts. That should have been reserved for Jesus.

Is there another scenario I would have preferred, besides endorsing Donald Trump for president? Of course. Literally any other scenario. Like, say, endorsing an eagle, who has flown from Noah’s Ark, to warn us all of God’s anger toward us for that whole grain pyramid incident. Or endorsing a bathtub, filled with fire, unquenchable fire, like that of the bowels of hell, because hell is not a Seventh Day Adventist and thus has poor digestion.

But I had to save this country. Like a Microsoft Word document. You have to save those. Because AutoRecover doesn’t always work. It doesn’t. You can’t believe in AutoRecover. That’s what’s gotten this country into so much trouble. Our young people, not saving their Word documents. That’s why I had to endorse Donald Trump.

Did I endorse Donald Trump in exchange for a job in his administration? I did, because that is not illegal.

:: aide waves hands furiously while mouthing, “YES IT IS, DOCTOR CARSON, YES IT IS” ::

I mean that it is not illegal in the eyes of God. God’s law is what matters here. “Thou shalt not eat manatees, though they look so tasty.” That’s God’s law, right there. Right there in the Good Book. The Good Book that I love so much. Good Books. I wrote books. I did write books. I did go on book tours. Book tours are fun. I like book tours.

So, yes, I had to endorse Donald Trump.

:: stares off into distance ::