RECAP: A Real Shi-Shi-Shi Beverly Hills Wedding

We expected some fireworks on the season finale of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills -- and we got them, when Lisa Vanderpump's daughter and son-in-law were surrounded by wedding guests holding sparklers.

But we never anticipated other feelings, like being grossed out, overwhelmed and sullen during the course of the hour as well. While the majority of the footage happily revolved around Lisa's daughter's nuptials, viewers were also treated to a colonoscopy with Adrienne Maloof's husband, Paul; a mother-of-the-bride ensemble that required sunglasses; and a glimpse of Taylor Armstrong's daughter, Kennedy, weeks after her father committed suicide.

Talk about an emotional roller coaster! Frankly, this one's a ride we're willing to get off... at least until next week's reunion special, where more fireworks -- big ones -- are imminent.

LISA (58)

-- Lisa has flowers and their trimmings spread all over the foyer of her house as she works on them the day before the wedding. Lisa may be filthy rich, but she likes to get her hands dirty and work. I like that (+3)

-- Lisa spends a lot of time being the nervous mother of the bride instead of letting her wedding planner worry about the details. "I'm a bit of a control freak," she says, "I have a hard time letting go." That's the burden of Type As, sister. Now, here, have a drink (-3)

-- Lisa has hired triplet makeup artists/hair stylists to beautify Pandora and her bridesmaids, and her son walks in this room, which is filled with hot women (+2)

-- Unfortunately, her son hasn't trimmed down his terrible fauxhawk, so Lisa embarrasses him in front of them all, telling him to get rid of the "squirrel" on his head (-1)

-- Ken is writing a speech about an hour before the wedding and wants Lisa's input. But first things first: They need to decide on Giggy's outfit. Priorities! (-3)

-- Lisa wears exactly what Pandora asks her to: A bright pink, strapless dress encrusted with diamond detailing, a tiara and gigantic, overdone diamond earrings. She looks ridiculous for her age, but Lisa is so filled with love for her daughter, she doesn't even care. "If she wanted me to wear my knickers on my head, I'd wear it," she jokes. "It wouldn't be the first time." (+4)

-- So far we've seen tallies on the cake ($9,500) and the wedding gown ($6,000). But maybe they escaped having to hire a videographer since there were tons of Bravo cameras on the scene (+3)

-- The wedding goes off without a hitch and everyone raves over what a lovely event it was (+5)

-- In the epilogue, we learn that Lisa and Ken have moved to a smaller house (10,000 square feet, to which they immediately added 2,000 square feet). However will they survive in such a tiny place? (+2)

Net gain/loss: +12

Current total: 70


-- In between scenes packed with pink and flowers and bling and wedding decorating, we get to watch Adrienne's husband's colonoscopy (-3)

-- Adrienne goes with him for moral support. Her reward? He asks her to come in the bathroom and help give him an enema (-4)

-- Hellz to the no, says Adrienne. In sickness and in health, that is all. Wedding vows say nothing specific about enemas (+3)

-- OMG, are you kidding me right now? Are we really getting a play-by-play of Paul's poop chute during his exam? Calgon, take me away!!!! (-5)

-- When he's done and in recovery, Paul is cutting more farts than after a drunken Taco Bell binge "passing the air the doctor put in his colon." WHY, Bravo? WHY is this necessary viewing? (-6)

-- Before Pandora's wedding, the group all meet up at Adrienne's house, since she lives right across the street from Lisa. Still, nobody can walk that far on their stilts stilettos, so they have a car drive them over (+2)

-- Paul and Adrienne cut a rug for hours at the wedding reception. Thankfully, it's the only thing Paul is cutting tonight (+4)

-- In the final scene, Adrienne brings all the ladies a pair of shoes from her line. (Read: She is able to drop in one last free ad for her newest venture.) (+4)

Net gain/loss: -5

Current total: 152


-- Before the wedding, Camille has a friend come over to help her pick out a dress to wear. They discuss her new beau, and while she's not sure that she'll ever fully trust a guy again, she says she "believes in marriage and believes in love." (+2)

-- More importantly, when Camille meets up with the girls later, they call her dude a "Greek god." She also hints that she's getting sex multiple times each day. Take that, Kelsey! (+5)

-- During the epilogue, Bravo captures the most unflattering, dopey-looking freeze frame image of Camille we have ever seen. If we didn't know better, we'd think she were the one who needed rehab instead of Kim (-3)

Net gain/loss: +4

Current total: 130

KYLE (-7)

-- Kyle gets annoyed that Mauricio hasn't gotten a tux, even though he has known the wedding was black tie for months. Frankly, we're just surprised everyone on Beverly Hills doesn't own their own tux. Aren't these fancy events a weekly thing? (-3)

-- Oops, we forgot. Mauricio doesn't always like to wear shirts -- or suits, for that matter. Shirtless Mauricio seems like a pretty good wardrobe choice to us! (+4)

-- Three weeks after the wedding, Kyle has a gathering for the ladies so they can film a new epilogue scene support Taylor after Russell's death (+3)

-- Kyle and Kim are on the outs, and Brandi and Dana aren't full-on cast members, so it's just a fivesome (-2)

Net gain/loss: +2

Current total: -5

TAYLOR (-18)

-- Taylor shows up at Kyle's house with daughter Kennedy draped over her shoulder, her face buried in Taylor's back. That scene, though only a few seconds long, was so profoundly sad to us. Apparently, Taylor handed her off to someone else in order to film the scene (-5)

-- Everyone tells Taylor she's never looked better. Interesting choice of words, considering what's gone down. (-2) We can't tell you how relieved we are that this season, and this haunting storyline, is finally over

Net gain/loss: -7

Current total: -25

KIM (-13)

-- Kim has been absent most of the season, so it's no surprise she's a no-show for the finale. (Side note: We also kind of hope she bows out if there's a third season of this show. We're not desperate enough for entertainment that we want to watch this woman spiral downward anymore.) (-3)

Net gain/loss: -3

Current total: -16


Adrienne: 152

Camille: 130

Brandi: 83

Dana: 78

Lisa: 70

Kyle: -9

Kim: -16

Taylor: -25