With The Eagle opening this weekend, you may hear a lot of people positing this question: "Oh yeah, the lady from Grease who played President Bartlett's wife is in that, right?" To which your response may range from "Yeah!" to "Huh?" to "You moron." But when your idiotic friend follows up with "Well, how am I supposed to know the difference between Stockard Channing and Channing Tatum?!" now you have a way to properly respond: with a link to this Web page. Clearly the only way to sort out this mix-up. Let the enlightenment begin!

Stockard Channing's name was chosen (born Susan Stockard, kept her first husband, Walter Channing Jr.'s, last name)

Channing Tatum's name was given. By his parents. Who named their son Channing. Really.

Advantage: Stockard Channing. For deciding her own crazy name.

Channing Tatum is 6'1.

Advantage: Channing Tatum. For obvious reasons.

Channing Tatum was a construction worker, a stripper, a mortgage broker, and salesman after college, like a badass.

Stockard Channing had an inheritance and got to go straight into acting out of school, not so much a badass.

Advantage: Stockard Channing. That sounds like a nice life. Sigh.

Stockard Channing has been divorced four times, like a badass.

Channing Tatum has been married since July of 2009, not so much a badass.

Advantage: Channing Tatum. Oh, love!

In 2004, Stockard Channing was winning awards playing the president's wife in one of the most acclaimed shows of all time.

In 2004, Channing Tatum just had his first role as a guest star on CSI Miami.

Advantage: Um. Stockard Channing.

Stockard Channing has had on-screen marriages to Martin Sheen and Donald Sutherland.

Channing Tatum has had on-screen marriages/romances with Amanda Seyfried and Amanda Bynes.

Advantage: Another one for the classy Stockard Channing!

Stockard Channing has won a Tony, an Emmy, and a SAG.

Channing Tatum once played someone named Tony ("Young Antonio" to be exact), attended the same opening of a Las Vegas club as someone named Emmy (Rossum), and most likely knows someone who once went to the SAG Awards. (Joseph Gordon Levitt was in GI Joe too, after all.)

Advantage: Stockard Channing's on a roll.

Stockard Channing's credits include words like this: Girl, Love, Destiny, Together, Married, Bitter, Divorce, Separation, Mother, Personal, Wives, Family.

Channing Tatum's credits include words like this: Coach, Man, Havoc, War, Battle, Trap, Fighting, Enemies, Stop, Cobra.

Advantage: Channing Tatum. All the way. Can we combine all those words into one massive film title, starring Channing Tatum AND Channing Tatum, like The Nutty Professor, but with a lot more havoc, fighting, and cobras?

Channing Tatum has not.

Advantage: Both of her shows only lasted a few months. Channing Tatum takes this one!

Channing Tatum has played a character named "Duke" twice.

Stockard Channing has not.

Advantage: Channing Tatum. Just go with it.

Finally,

Channing Tatum is a 30-year-old man.

Stockard Channing is a 67-year-old woman.

Advantage: Stockard Channing! Girls rule, boys drool, plus age equals experience equals moar brains equals better equals shut up Channing Tatum, you and your abs only do so much for me.

Which means the winner in this contest between Channing Tatum and Stockard Channing that I just invented AS I wrote the article is Stockard Channing, breaking the tie at the very end, shattering prejudices by taking the crown because she is an older woman. BAM!

Now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna go watch some footage of Channing Tatum taking his shirt off Stockard Channing accepting her Tony. Bye.