I'm wearing the tux last called into service for the series finale of Cavemen in honor of the Emmys. I'm here for all three hours, unless William Shatner wins. Some things just have to be protested.

8:00 The show begins with a passel of current stars reciting some of the great catchphrases in TV history. Dy-no-mite!

8:01 Trumpets and a choir of the heavenly host announce Oprah's entrance to the stage. She pontificates for a bit, then turns the night over to the five hosts for the evening, the nominees for best reality host. Heidi Klum stands in the center, the tallest of the five. Jeff Probst is wearing no tie. He and Howie Mandel swear that nothing is prepared, and it's all too believable. Ryan Seacrest butts in. The sound of a packed theater refusing to laugh is eerie. Tom Bergeron and Klum are just standing there. Is this some kind of Andy Kaufman alternative comedy routine?

8:07 Bergeron and Klum are now alone onstage dishing on the other three. They've invited Shatner onstage for some reason. Let me just say it again before it comes across as Monday morning second guessing: this is not going well.

8:08 Heidi's tuxedo is stripped off by Shatner. It's much less hot than it sounds.

8:09 Funny ladies Amy Poehler and Tina Fey present the first award of the evening, best supporting actor in a comedy, to the now-perennial winner, Jeremy Piven. And he bags on the opening skit! Oooooh.

8:12 Josh Groban is going to be singing thirty TV theme songs later on. So their strategy for making us forget the opening is to run out something even worse?

8:16 Bergeron just said something "got us thinking," which sure sounded a lot like "got us stinking."

8:18 The best supporting actress in a comedy Emmy goes to Jean Smart, who I'm just now remembering is in Samantha Who? Smart pays tribute to Christina Applegate, who has had a tough few months.

8:27 The cast of Desperate Housewives presents the best supporting actor in a drama award. In protest of the failure to nominate a single person from The Wire, I'm simply not going to say anything else about this one. (Especially since I can't spell "Zeljko Ivanek.")

8:30 Ricky "I've got a film coming out" Gervais is on stage, introducing a clip of humorous moments from previous acceptance speeches. He and Steve Carell revisit what happened last year, when Gervais won an Emmy in absentia and Carell took custody of it. Louis Horvitz is given the Emmy for directing the Academy Awards, and he gets to direct his own acceptance speech, explaining that the show is running long and he needs to speed it up.

8:41 The Simpsons and one of their former writers, Conan O'Brien, in the same skit. Awesome.

8:43 Best supporting actress in a drama is given out, but not before O'Brien makes a joke at the expense of last year's winner, Katherine Heigl. And the winner is Dianne Wiest, giving In Treatment some much-needed airtime.

8:47 The Colbert Report wins the variety show writing award -- much deserved. Stephen Colbert is not in character for once, and it's odd to see him sincere.

8:51 Steve Martin! My boyhood hero. He's reminiscing about his time writing for the Smothers Brothers, and giving Tommy Smothers a commemorative writing Emmy. Smothers comes onstage and gets a little political. The Sixties rock!

9:01 Now it's Groban singing. I'm not sure I'm totally buying that he's now hip, but it's an honest effort.

9:02 Heh, my local affiliate decided this was the right time to cut in for a news brief. The time to do this was an hour ago, Channel 6.

9:06 Alec Baldwin presents the lead actress in a miniseries/movie Emmy to Laura Linney, who was indeed excellent in John Adams.

9:14 Wow, some of the cast members of Laugh-In. I've never had the chance to make a Ruth Buzzi reference in here. I'm not sure anyone younger than me has any idea what's going on with their horribly dated bit. Sometimes it's best to leave the past buried.

9:19 Klum introduces Lauren Conrad (good lord) and David Boreanaz from "The Bones."

9:24 Tina Fey wins a writing award for 30 Rock and explains why writers are better than actors. She's more persuasive than when I say it.

9:35 TV newbie Christian Slater, no doubt still wondering what happened on his way to his Oscar, is on stage with Christina Applegate. They present the best made-for-TV movie Emmy to Recount. Politics keeps nosing its way into this ceremony.

9:42 William Petersen and Laurence Fishburne together! Fishburne looks less like a lab geek and more like I should be complaining to him that the prime rib was overcooked.

9:52 The Cowboys are leading the Packers 13-6 at halftime. Hey, it's three hours and I need a break.

9:56 Don Rickles and Kathy Griffin, together on stage. Rickles needs to appear on every awards show by decree. The Amazing Race wins yet another Emmy. See, this is why CBS hasn't canceled it yet -- what else do they really have awards-wise?

10:01 Best miniseries to John Adams, naturally enough. Tom Hanks accepts on behalf of everyone associated with the project. And they're even playing off the great Hanks! This show really is running long.

10:09 They just gave Don Rickles an Emmy for his Mr. Warmth special. They are NOT playing off Rickles, who is funnier in his two minutes than the entire rest of the show has been till now.

10:23 Paul Giamatti wins the night's most inevitable Emmy, for playing John Adams.

10:25 Best actor in a comedy to Alec Baldwin, winning his first Emmy after seven nominations.

10:27 The show is really moving along now, to the point where they don't have Vanessa Williams' mic turned on as she lists the nominees for best actress in a drama. Glenn Close wins for Damages. Close speaks up in praise of women of a certain age still having a place on television -- good for her.

10:29 The roll call of the dead. Wouldn't it have been better off to not even mention Charlton Heston, rather than show him in The Colbys? The final clip is of George Carlin, belittling the idea of life after death. He would have loved that.

10:37 Best actor in a drama to ... Bryan Cranston?? Wow, I thought maybe someone on an AMC show might win, but not this guy. Breaking Bad was actually shorter last season than the "miniseries" John Adams. Cranston's head is nearly shaved bald; my guess is that his character is deep into chemo.

10:41 Best actress in a comedy: Tina Fey. For someone who almost never appeared in skits on Saturday Night Live, she sure is cleaning up on these awards nights.

10:43 Oh joy: it's finally time for the reality host award, which they have been hyping all night. All five nominees are brought onstage, and Jimmy Kimmel imitates the familiar patter of the various hosts in their elimination mode, complete with the announcement that the winner will be announced "after this break."

10:50 Probst wins. A nice honor for one of the pioneers of the genre, although his job can't really be compared to what Seacrest and Bergeron do on live shows.

10:52 Mary Tyler Moore has been facelifted within an inch of her life.

10:54 30 Rock wins the best comedy series Emmy again. Now will you people start watching it? Tina Fey runs down the various platforms where the show airs, which I'm sure just thrills NBC.

10:56 Tom Selleck presents the last award, for best drama. Mad Men wins, and if it wasn't already clear what the night's storyline was, it is now: the triumph of basic cable. Christina Hendricks looks absolutely awesome.

10:57 Probst snuffs out the torch. I think all will agree that it's time for this format to go. The tribe of viewers has spoken.